Monday, June 2, 2014

Issue 122 (2013-2014)

Issue 122(March 28th, 2014)

First week back from Spring Break was a doozy. Take it easy this 
weekend, kids. 

For maximum sidebar fun! $29.99 plus shipping and handling. 
Batteries not included. 

Improv Match 
Today at 3:30 in the Middle School Meeting Room/Old Silent 
Library/Location of the Past Two Coffee Houses! Featuring Dounia 
Sawaya, Jack Kimmel, Anna Shuster, and Matthew Kerr against the 
nefarious Francis Parker. 

Picture on the Quad at 9. Don’t go off-campus during enrichments 

The Pops Concert is April 2, 3, 4, and 5 at 7:00 PM!!! The Bishop’s 
Singers, Knight’s Chorus, Bel Canto, Women’s Chorus, and Middle 
School chorus will be singing a variety of jazz hits, with guest 
appearances by sequins and positive attitudes. [intense jazz scatting] 

Thank you 
To Timothy Donnelly, who gave a great reading yesterday and is a
very talented poet and a knowledgeable, passionate, and engaging 
person and who rocks. 

Lyrics Quiz No. 1 
And I used to talk 
With honest conviction 
Of how I predicted my world 
I’m gonna leave it to stargazers 
To tell me what the telescope says 

Lyrics Quiz No. 2 
I am beautiful 
No matter what they say 
Words can’t bring me down 
Nooooooo [absurd and overwrought vocal run] 

Font of the day today and of every day in general 
Comic Sans MS


In Defense of Fidgeting

By: Nessa Garcia (Reliable Source of Quality Work)

 A few months ago, I went to see The Book of 
Mormon with my family. My brother and I had 
begged our parents to buy tickets, convincing them 
that it was a true, yet inspirational tale of religion in 
the new world. Accordingly, I was excited to 
experience the musical, but also to watch my mother 
gasp in horror (may I add that she is a Spanish 
Catholic), as the musical would soon reveal itself as a 
crude, yet hilarious satire of religion. Juvenile? Sure. 
Fun? Yup. 
 Anyway, the show was about to start when 
the woman next to me turned and looked at me with 
disdain. In a thick accent, she spat, “Stop moving your 
leg; it is distracting me.” I stopped fidgeting. With the 
most apologetic face I could muster, I turned to her 
and promised to stop, being overly polite to mask my 
immediate annoyance. 
 Little did she know, she had ruined that 
whole night for me. I was so psyched to see the 
musical, but now I had to focus on sitting still. For me, 
fidgeting is like breathing; unconscious and necessary.
If I don’t fidget, I start to feel uncomfortable in a 
seated position, causing my mind to drift and lose its 
focus. Now, my body is trained to fidget so that I can 
accommodate my strange inability to remain still. Yet, 
fidgeting is often considered a sign of being nervous 
and tense. This just isn’t true. 
 Thus, I am calling for the end of 
discrimination against fidgeters. Friend, you are not
helping when you hold my leg in chapel. Your face 
looks like you want me to thank you for your 
“service,” but I will just fidget harder come two
minutes. Fifth-grade teacher, I did not have to pee all 
the time. In fact, for every day that you saw me 
fidgeting, I burned 300 calories to counterbalance my 
obsession with caring for virtual pets. Jealous? 
 In any case, I do understand why fidgeting 
can negatively affect others—the movement is kind of 
distracting. If seated at a small table, I may cause a 
mini earthquake, which interrupts conversation or 
peaceful eating. However, it is something that I cannot 
comfortably control. For this reason, I expect others to 
understand fidgeting and respect its noble cause. If 
anything, they should join the cause. Fidget 4 lyfe. 

*The making of this article has involved 
approximately one hour of fidgeting*

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Issue 121 (2013-2014)

Issue 121 (March 27, 2014)

Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of our beloved friend, Jason Johnson, who just couldn’t keep up with the addy. May he rest in paradise.
Message from Mr. Davis
Poet Timothy Donnelly, author of The Cloud Corporation and Twenty- Seven Props for a Production of Eine Lebenszeit, will read today in the Manchester Library at 4pm. Lovers of verse and two-handed tennis are welcome. Book signing to follow. Cookies and punch after that.
March Madness
Also known as college decisions. Easily one of the most arbitrary processes, unfortunately for some and fortunately for others. Good luck to all.
Do not ever play this game, under any circumstances. Addiction is unnavoidable. It is the intellectual second coming of Flappy Bird.
Quote of the Day
“You're happy because you're successful. For now. But what is happiness? It's a moment before you need more happiness.”
- Don Draper (Mad Men)



April 1, 2014 
Dear Matthew Healey,
We here at BetterThanYou University are pleased to inform you that you have been selected for rejection for the freshman class of 2018. (April Fools! Did we getcha? Haha). Fortunately for us, your $100 application fee is non- refundable.
Each year, BTY University receives over 2 billion competitive applications for each available spot in our incoming class, and we here in the rejections admissions office hate having to turn down so many highly qualified individuals. You of course were not one of those highly qualified individuals and we rejected you with great pleasure and ease. Rest assured, though, that we spent ample time reviewing your application. It took Jimmy five minutes to stop laughing at your measly 4.8 GPA. (You should be a little proud though; that is in fact a new record for time spent on any one app)!
Remember that this decision in no way reflects on you as a person, because we in no way judged you as a person. Instead we recited an ancient Celtic incantation and rolled the Magic Dice of Good Decisions. Sadly, you got snake eyes, which of course means rejection.
If you are still interested in BTY University, please understand that the feeling is not mutual. However, we would be more than happy to take another $100 fee from you for a first year transfer application.
Wishing you the best in your future endeavors as an unemployed bum with a long list of crushed dreams,
Fred Umbridge

Associate Dean of Rejections and Financial Gain
P.S. If you would like to help your chances for a future application, our campus could really use a new science center...just saying.

My Friends at the Bishop's Welcome Barbecue
By: Erik Schrunk
1) Mark Matten is doing physics problems in a glass cage labeled "Exhibit A." Some daring student adds a plus sign so that it reads "Exhibit A+." Ms. Roche nods her head in silent approval.
2) As Mr. Goss shows off the enormous library to the crowd, Joseph Oh runs out, hastily- done homework in his hand. "What the--?" he asks.
3) Ms. Roche proudly refers the new students to the senior rec room, a place for our responsible, mature seniors to spend time together. Jake Ramirez is seen chanting "off the table!" while hitting all the pool balls off the pool table, which is covered in milk and milk cartons.
4) Rory French holds the door for an entire crowd of people. He smiles the whole time.
5) Phil Forte wasn't even supposed to be there, but too many people wanted his autograph, so he had to stay.
6) Graham Held stares with disapproval upon the crowd of unnecessarily happy people. 

Issue 120 (2013-2014)

Issue 120 (March 26, 2014)

DU T-Shirts
Everybody order DU shirts! They are $12. We currently have serveral that are ready, and will have more inventory soon. You will receive an email when your shirt is ready.

Beat That Dead Horse!
Never mind the catastrophe currently unfolding in Eastern Europe CNN, the plane is way more important (and interesting too! Even after weeks and weeks!).

Under the headline “Other Top Stories,” the BBC website has placed the following headlines next to eachother: “N Korea fires mid-range missiles,” and “Gwyneth Paltrow and Chirs Martin to separate.” Is it a silly thing to be mad about? Perhaps. Could they maybe separate the two a little bit? Again, perhaps.

Beijing Air Quality
I’m sure you knew the air quality was bad, but, on the air pollution index, Beijing topped out at a 755 out of a possible 500. That might have been last year, but still.

College Letters
Underclassmen, if you talk to a senior this week, don’t bring up college decisions unless the senior is talking about them. Thanks.

Lyrics Quiz
Afraid to lose control
And caught up in this world
I've wasted time, I've wasted breath
I think I've thought myself to death.
I was born without this fear
Now only this seems clear

Lyrics Quiz Hint
Nobody really knows what genre this song is, and nobody can really agree whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.


R.I.P. Fred Phelps
By: Matthew Kerr

Fred Phelps, kind religious man, father of 13, passed away last past week at the mere age of 84. This came as quite a shock to members of Phelps community, who believed he would go on to oppress the homosexuals and dead soldiers of America for at least ten more years. Phelps was most commonly known for his influential contribution to the religious world: the founding of the Westboro Baptist Church, a religious organization dedicated to crafty sign-making and a cappella hate speech. Members of the church recall Phelps finest moments, citing him as a free spirit and a man of true spontaneity.
I remember when Fred once, without any notice, took me to aggressively protest a gay wedding, says Sally Curtis, age 35. It was completely out of the blue. But that was Fred, you know? The kind of man who would spring that sort of thing on you. One minute you were baking a cake that reads God hates you and the next you were viciously screeching quotes from the Old Testament at a happy gay couple. It was unbelievable fun.
Various celebrities such as Ellen DeGeneres, Neil Patrick Harris, and Rosie ODonnell have voiced their devastation, as well as God himself, who spoke to his 234,000 Twitter followers immediately after Phelps passing.
Fred Phelps was an important man, one of my only true worshippers, said God, age eternal. He was constantly striving to teach the true message of the Bible: open hatred and biblical inerrancy. God continued: I dont know where all those other groups got the idea of love and bliss from the Bible. Are you sure we were reading the same book? I thought my three verses regarding homosexuality as a sin would be indicative enough of the Bibles actual meaning.
Phelps will not be having a funeral, for the Westboro Baptist Church is currently very busy planning a luncheon with the KKK and the Neo-Nazis of America. Phelps lives on through his 54 grandchildren.

The Grand Budapest Hotel Review
By: Greg Feiner (Master of Quirk)

Wes Anderson is this generation’s Martin Scorsese.
Just kidding. He isn’t this generation’s anybody; he is Wes Anderson. He’s been dishing out his own unique brand of quirk for nearly two decades, alongside Bill Murray, the Wilson brothers (Owen and Luke), and a host of other familiar faces. Almost all of his movies are cult classics, but The Grand Budapest Hotel might be his masterpiece.
First of all, I need to address the cast. Though there are only a few major roles in the movie, there is hardly an actor in any part that you won’t recognize. Here are just a few of the names: Bill Murray (obviously), Jude Law, Edward Norton, Jeff Goldblum, Harvey Keitel (briefly), Willem Dafoe, Adrien Brody, Saoirse Ronan, and Ralph Fiennes.
I’m going to linger on Fiennes for a bit, because he was the heart and soul of this movie. He plays the hotel’s legendary concierge, M. Gustave, a sweet man who’s good at his job and has a passion for both romantic poetry and   older women. Normally known for his more dramatic roles (like Voldemort and Amon Goeth from Schindler’s List), he is hysterically funny, though not at the sake of character depth. It is truly a delight to watch his performance.
Fiennes, and the rest of the cast, benefit from Anderson’s script, which dishes out a platter of the playful dialogue, muted humor, and multi-layered plot we’ve come to expect from him, but with and added bonus: it’s really, really funny. Though Wes Anderson movies are always amusing, this is his first that has been laugh-out-loud hilarious.
There’s something for everyone in this heartfelt adventure-tale: inventive sets and costumes, laughs, irreverence, and, most importantly, a fun, engaging storyline. There is no other way to describe watching The Grand Budapest Hotel other than pure enjoyment.

Issue 119 (2013-2014)

Issue 119 (March 25, 2014)

It's fourth quarter which means there are only so many dress uniform days left. If sporting a senior bow tie isn't on your bucket list it should be. Or at least go for the maroon sweater vest. Now is your time to break out of SoCal habits of sloppy dress and bust out some preppy looks considering that's probably what you'll have to do for the next four years.

It's Spring in Southern California! Preppy is for stuck up East Coasters. There's more to life than just looking really really ridiculously good looking, and that's being casual and comfortable while doing it. Buy one of the Dungeon bucket hats. They're available in a wide variety of shades of white and have been spotted on several supermodels including Jake Dempsey and Dan Forssman.

Al+ERnAT1v3  Look5
Maybe preppy doesn't sound like you and casual seems boring. Go for an alternative style with the totally indie DU t-shirt. It's -242% organic hemp, 517.4% bona fide hipster thread and 0% math because you're such a rebel when you're wearing a shirt that says urinal that you clearly don't care about percentages or logic. 189% of proceeds go to a great cause.


The Kremlin has responded to US and EU sanctions and travel bans on top officials and oligarchs with their own set of sanctions and travel bans on random US politicians. Senator John McCain has reportedly canceled his Spring Break trip to Moscow with deep sadness and regret. Asked for comment, Russian president Vladimir Putin stated, "Luckily I don't have to fly to the US to take over Crimea..." and "Nana nana boo boo, I'm tougher than you you."


A Writing Tip: Avoid Clichés Like the Plague
By Emily Gao (DU Reliable Source of Articles)

Listen, I'm going to stop beating around the bush and cut to chase here. You may know names but you sure as hell don’t know each of their stories. Take my word for it: You've got to work hard and play hard. Perhaps even play harder than you work.  If you want to make a difference, you’ve got to aim high, dream big, and take a chance. A life without risk is meaningless. No pain, no gain. No guts, no glory. It might be a small world after all but its’ a small world full of big opportunities. You've got to be tough as nails. Carpe diem. Apply yourself, climb the highest mountain and tell them all to eat my dust! Aim for the stars. More importantly, follow your heart.  

Some say that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, but I say get a grip, get real. Just say no. Take a chill pill. Lighten up. Chill out. Bore down. Mellow out. Cool it. Wake up and smell the coffee, stop and smell the roses. Get with the program. Think big. Visualize success. Go for the gusto. Grab the gold. Shoot for the moon. Put your best foot forward, and don’t just be a chip off an ol’ block. I mean, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Make adversity your friend. Take the good with the bad. Make the best of a bad situation. If you get knocked down, stand back up. When you’re down and out, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Shake it off. Shake a stick. Get back on that horse. Take the bull by the horns. Keep on trucking. Put your money where your mouth is because, remember, only the strong survive. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, the early bird gets the worm. And last but not least, you are a picture that is worth a thousand words.

Bottom line here, what is all comes down to is this:  Don’t stop believing.


Be part of the better half of the human race- exterminate clichés.  

Thank you.

Why Do You Hate Us?
By Chris Halter (DU Scientist)

Many of you probably consider cross-country and track fairly safe as far as sports go, but you’d be wrong. Each day that I run through La Jolla I’m at risk of injury or death, not because of cardiac arrest, or tripping a very real threat I must add - but because of the terrorists that enjoy hunting runners.
Most days the violence is only verbal, the occasional comment about my short shorts or about how gay they think we are. Sorry but I wear leopard print shorts because they’re cool and your ignorant exclamations don’t change that. However, every so often, the attacks turn violent. Once an innocent Bishop’s girls cross country runner was viciously mauled by a cat. I’ve heard rumors that Jill Bushman was once hit by a car. Most recently the terrorists went after one of our young padawans; Big Bill Worstell - A.K.A Andres - had a cup of soda thrown at him. Luckily his lightning quick reflexes allowed him to escape the attack physically unscathed but the psychological damage is irreversible.
In closing, I not only ask for your prayers in this fight, but also for a monetary donation that you deem fit. Remember, just 10 cents per-month can help an ostracized runner near you and remember to compliment a runner the next time you see one, because calling his or her shorts gay is a homophobic cliché.

This is a message from your local run happy office

Issue 118 (2013-2014)

Issue 118 (March 24, 2014)


1) THE BISHOP’S SINGERS: For performing ON THE STAGE OF CARNEGIE HALL and successfully not getting lost in the Big Apple!
2) THE MOCK TRIAL TEAM: For competing in the California State Tournament!
3) THE BISHOP’S GIRLS’ BASKETBALL TEAM: For competing in the California State Tournament for Basketball and also being CIF Champs in the first place
4) THE SENIORS: For embarking on their last quarter at the Bishop’s School and for dealing with stressful college times and being champs
5) EVERYONE ELSE: For having a safe and fun Spring Break and accomplishing various and sundry achievements!

For a future DU Bake-Off! Categories will include Cookies, Cakes and Cupcakes, and Other Enjoyable Baked Goods.

Twelve dollars each. Email the DU ( your name and T-shirt size to order.

Free! Email the DU from your preferred email to get the DU electronically delivered every day to said email.

Let’s make sure we get the rebound
‘Cause when we get it
Then the crowd will go wild
A second chance, gotta grab it and go
Maybe this time we’ll hit the right notes

(apologies for the excessively cheery sidebar)


Why I’m Hesitant to “Ban Bossy”
By: Nessa Garcia (DU Feminist and Current Events Specialist)
When the “Ban Bossy” movement launched, my Facebook newsfeed was suddenly clogged with liberal outlets posting the campaign video. Since I delibera(l)tely (sorry) follow these outlets and had started seeing friends also share the video, I decided to watch it and investigate the cause, though I already had an inkling of what it would be about. Feminist instincts, I suppose.
Anyway, the video is pretty short, but it’s chalk full of female leaders listing off synonyms of the word “bossy,” such as “pushy” and “stubborn,” and then their two cents on why we shouldn’t call females these adjectives anymore. By the time Beyoncé majestically ends the video with “I’m not bossy. I’m the boss.,” I was expecting myself to jump to my feet and applaud vigorously, but I didn’t. In fact, I sat there, wondering about the bad taste in my mouth. Truth be told, I didn’t agree with how the campaign presented itself.
Take me, for example, because I’d rather speak from my perspective than falsely represent anyone else’s. Let’s rewind to the 6th grade, shall we? I am stubborn. Surely, it depends on whom I’m interacting with, but for the most part, I am stubborn. Now, let’s just say I get in an argument with my brother about whose turn it is to play Runescape and I refuse to accept anything he says because, well, I am stubborn. My parents, overhearing us argue, call me out and you know what they tell me? They tell me I am too stubborn.
Because I had never been checked before on that trait, I was suddenly aware of how I was acting.  Honestly, I don’t remember what my brother and I were actually arguing about (though Runescape playing time is definitely a possibility), but I do remember being scolded. While change wasn’t immediate, I soon learned to adopt a more open-minded, granting mentality when having discussions with those who didn’t share my perspective. Yes, I will still stand my ground when I believe in something, but I’m not obstinate, or any other synonym of that troubling quality.
The result? It has made me understand what makes a good leader. It has made me a good leader. If my parents had been banned to tell me when I was being too stubborn, too pushy, or god forbid, too bossy, simply because I happened to be a female, I would probably be unreasonable, inflexible, and disliked. How does this help females achieve equality in any setting?
By all means, I am for the underlying cause of the movement, which is to challenge society’s perception and treatment of women taking charge; this is definitely a valid mission. Yet, the presentation of the movement, which urges people to “ban” certain words—“ban” being a verb that is absolute and unconditional—is not the way to help women succeed. Rather, it will hinder women’s chances of becoming the most successful leaders, for adapting to honest and earnest critique is how individuals become great CEOs, captains, commanders, bosses, directors, and Presidents. If a certain critique is prohibited from being made, even in cases where it is completely justifiable, then those who remain ignorant of themselves are the disadvantaged ones.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Issue 117 (2013-2014)

Issue 117 (March 7, 2014)




By Matt Healey (DU Leader)
Today is the last day before Spring Break and people have already checked out of school mode and into vacation mode. This appears in many different forms. Some may stop doing their homework. Others may start talking about what vacations they're going on. A DU leader might use 36 point bold font or double spacing to fill up an article because zir staff members have also checked out. To further fill up space that DU leader may write a list instead of a real article. On an unrelated note, here's a list of top Spring Break travel destinations:

  1. Muzaffarabad, Pakistan. If the Muzaffarabad part of the name worried you, I'm sure the Pakistan part calmed you down. This city boasts a literacy rate of well over 60% and receives plenty of global attention as it lies in the desirable Kashmir region between India and Pakistan. With a name like Muzaffarabad, you can't help but forget the high murder rate and organized crime.
  2. Detroit, Michigan. City slogan: "former murder capital of the United States."
  3. San Pedro Sula, Honduras. Two time murder capital of the world and going strong.
  4. Sana'a, Yemen. Guaranteed not to be crowded as the political instability and rampant terror attacks have prompted city officials to advise citizens to leave while planes still fly here.
  5. Cleveland, Ohio. At least they're not any of these other places.

Issue 116 (2013-2014)

Issue 116 (March 6, 2014)

Why hasn’t Putin Seized Control of Crimea Yet?
There’s no need for Russian.

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose...
He has a stalk of celery in the other nostril and peas in his ears. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." The doctor says, "Well, you're not eating right."
-Joke creds to Tommy Higginson

PDG Concert
Go see the PDG show …within walking distance… today, tomorrow and Saturday. I can’t wait to see them tessellate.

DU T-Shirts
The shirts are $12. Email us your size at, and we will get your order to you in fourth quarter.

What do you do with epilectic lettuce?
Make a seizure salad.
-Joke creds to Caroline Thomas

Molly Martinek
Martinek Submissions are due to your English teacher or Mr. Mulgrew today, so if you wanted to submit, but haven’t written anything, it’s too late for you.

7 FRICKING OSCARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I get the technical awards, but BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY?!?!?! BEST DIRECTOR?!?!?! GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Intentional Memory Loss
Scientists can now zap unpleasant memories out of existence.


We would like to dedicate all of the typos in this issue to MR. Kentt Heartmann. xoxo


The Best Things to Watch on Netflix Right Now
By: Greg Feiner (Has Stage 5 Senioritis)

                As I’m sure you’re all aware, second semester, while a time for underclassmen to burn the candle at both ends, is a golden time of procrastination for seniors. However, much time seniors spend not doing their homwork is all too often wasted on silly internet videos, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and other senseless timesucks, instead of something more culturally enriching. Like Netflix.
                Here are some titles available for instant streaming on Netflix that might help you plan your last two weekday evenings of the quarter.
  • Submarine- This independent British film (something I would, recommend, right?), is about the coming-of-age of a charming Welsh boy named Oliver Tate. It features sharp, witty dialogue and original songs by Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys.
  • John Mulaney: New In Town- Watching this stand-up special was one of the funniest hours I’ve ever experienced. A perfect pick-me-up for end-of-the-quarter assesments.
  • House of Cards- If you’re not watching this show, you should be. It’s f***ing insane.
  • Dexter “Season 8”- Just kidding, don’t watch this.
  • In Bruges- Not for the faint of heart, but an enthralling blacker-than-black comedy. Very smart, very funny, kind of messed up, but grade-A cinema.
  • Clerks- Kevin Smith’s first and best movie. Really funny, downright ridiculous dialogue. Great way to kill 90 minutes.
  • In the Loop- Great British/American political comedy. Razor-sharp dialogue, and biting political satire. Also, features Peter Capaldi, the 12th Doctor, as a foul-mouthed Scotsman.
What I Wish They Found In Yanukovych’s Estate
By: Chris Halter  (Our Eye on the World)

Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych fled the Ukraine after signing a peace deal with anti-government protesters. Once exiled, the Ukrainian public had the opportunity to explore their ousted leader’s 140 hectare estate, and what they found was astonishing: a golf course, a zoo, hundreds of expensive cars, a pirate ship, and much, much more. As much as I enjoyed reading about the absurdity of his estate I compiled a list of five things I wish they had found.

  1. Every season of Dora the Explorer: because what is funnier than a iron fisted leader who is into children’s television.
  2. A huge collection of pornography: it was funny when we realized Bin Laden was a porn addict, but a civilized world leader owning a huge collection of pornography... classic.
  3. A giant portrait of Vladimir Putin: If there was a huge portrait of good ol’ Vlad—preferably a shirtless one with Bears—it would certainly raise questions about any special trips Putin made to the Ukraine.
  4. A library of self-help books: the irony of a corrupt leader trying to better understand his emotions would be too much to bear.
  5. A pillow person: You know those pillows shaped like a person in a spooning position, one of those kind of pillows because after all, money can’t buy love.