Issue 120 (2013-2014)

Issue 120 (March 26, 2014)

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DU T-Shirts

Everybody order DU shirts! They are $12. We currently have serveral that are ready, and will have more inventory soon. You will receive an email when your shirt is ready.

Beat That Dead Horse!

Never mind the catastrophe currently unfolding in Eastern Europe CNN, the plane is way more important (and interesting too! Even after weeks and weeks!).

BBC

Under the headline “Other Top Stories,” the BBC website has placed the following headlines next to eachother: “N Korea fires mid-range missiles,” and “Gwyneth Paltrow and Chirs Martin to separate.” Is it a silly thing to be mad about? Perhaps. Could they maybe separate the two a little bit? Again, perhaps.

Beijing Air Quality

I’m sure you knew the air quality was bad, but, on the air pollution index, Beijing topped out at a 755 out of a possible 500. That might have been last year, but still.

College Letters

Underclassmen, if you talk to a senior this week, don’t bring up college decisions unless the senior is talking about them. Thanks.

Lyrics Quiz

Afraid to lose control
And caught up in this world
I've wasted time, I've wasted breath
I think I've thought myself to death.

I was born without this fear

Now only this seems clear

Lyrics Quiz Hint

Nobody really knows what genre this song is, and nobody can really agree whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Articles

R.I.P. Fred Phelps

By: Matthew Kerr

Fred Phelps, kind religious man, father of 13, passed away last past week at the mere age of 84. This came as quite a shock to members of Phelps’ community, who believed he would go on to oppress the homosexuals and dead soldiers of America for at least ten more years. Phelps was most commonly known for his influential contribution to the religious world: the founding of the Westboro Baptist Church, a religious organization dedicated to crafty sign-making and a cappella hate speech. Members of the church recall Phelps’ finest moments, citing him as “a free spirit” and a “man of true spontaneity.”

“I remember when Fred once, without any notice, took me to aggressively protest a gay wedding,” says Sally Curtis, age 35. “It was completely out of the blue. But that was Fred, you know? The kind of man who would spring that sort of thing on you. One minute you were baking a cake that reads ‘God hates you’ and the next you were viciously screeching quotes from the Old Testament at a happy gay couple. It was unbelievable fun.”

Various celebrities such as Ellen DeGeneres, Neil Patrick Harris, and Rosie O’Donnell have voiced their devastation, as well as God himself, who spoke to his 234,000 Twitter followers immediately after Phelps’ passing.
“Fred Phelps was an important man, one of my only true worshippers,” said God, age eternal. “He was constantly striving to teach the true message of the Bible: open hatred and biblical inerrancy.” God continued: “I don’t know where all those other groups got the idea of ‘love’ and ‘bliss’ from the Bible. Are you sure we were reading the same book? I thought my three verses regarding homosexuality as a sin would be indicative enough of the Bible’s actual meaning.”

Phelps will not be having a funeral, for the Westboro Baptist Church is currently very busy planning a luncheon with the KKK and the Neo-Nazis of America. Phelps lives on through his 54 grandchildren.

The Grand Budapest Hotel Review

By: Greg Feiner (Master of Quirk)

Wes Anderson is this generation’s Martin Scorsese.

Just kidding. He isn’t this generation’s anybody; he is Wes Anderson. He’s been dishing out his own unique brand of quirk for nearly two decades, alongside Bill Murray, the Wilson brothers (Owen and Luke), and a host of other familiar faces. Almost all of his movies are cult classics, but The Grand Budapest Hotel might be his masterpiece.

First of all, I need to address the cast. Though there are only a few major roles in the movie, there is hardly an actor in any part that you won’t recognize. Here are just a few of the names: Bill Murray (obviously), Jude Law, Edward Norton, Jeff Goldblum, Harvey Keitel (briefly), Willem Dafoe, Adrien Brody, Saoirse Ronan, and Ralph Fiennes.

I’m going to linger on Fiennes for a bit, because he was the heart and soul of this movie. He plays the hotel’s legendary concierge, M. Gustave, a sweet man who’s good at his job and has a passion for both romantic poetry and   older women. Normally known for his more dramatic roles (like Voldemort and Amon Goeth from Schindler’s List), he is hysterically funny, though not at the sake of character depth. It is truly a delight to watch his performance.

Fiennes, and the rest of the cast, benefit from Anderson’s script, which dishes out a platter of the playful dialogue, muted humor, and multi-layered plot we’ve come to expect from him, but with and added bonus: it’s really, really funny. Though Wes Anderson movies are always amusing, this is his first that has been laugh-out-loud hilarious.

There’s something for everyone in this heartfelt adventure-tale: inventive sets and costumes, laughs, irreverence, and, most importantly, a fun, engaging storyline. There is no other way to describe watching The Grand Budapest Hotel other than pure enjoyment.

100/100