Sidebar
Why hasn’t Putin Seized Control of
Crimea Yet?
There’s
no need for Russian.
A man goes to
the doctor with a carrot up his nose...
He has a stalk of celery in the other nostril and peas in his
ears. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." The doctor
says, "Well, you're not eating right."
-Joke
creds to Tommy Higginson
PDG Concert
Go
see the PDG show …within walking
distance… today, tomorrow and
Saturday. I can’t wait to see them tessellate.
DU T-Shirts
The
shirts are $12. Email us your size at thedailyurinal@gmail.com,
and we will get your order to you in fourth quarter.
What do you do with epilectic
lettuce?
Make
a seizure salad.
-Joke
creds to Caroline Thomas
Molly Martinek
Martinek
Submissions are due to your English teacher or Mr. Mulgrew today, so if you
wanted to submit, but haven’t written anything, it’s too late for you.
Gravity
7
FRICKING OSCARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I
get the technical awards, but BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY?!?!?! BEST DIRECTOR?!?!?!
GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Intentional Memory Loss
Scientists
can now zap unpleasant memories out of existence.
Dedication
We
would like to dedicate all of the typos in this issue to MR. Kentt Heartmann.
xoxo
Articles
The Best
Things to Watch on Netflix Right Now
By: Greg Feiner (Has Stage 5 Senioritis)
As
I’m sure you’re all aware, second semester, while a time for underclassmen to
burn the candle at both ends, is a golden time of procrastination for seniors.
However, much time seniors spend not doing their homwork is all too often
wasted on silly internet videos, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and other
senseless timesucks, instead of something more culturally enriching. Like
Netflix.
Here
are some titles available for instant streaming on Netflix that might help you
plan your last two weekday evenings of the quarter.
- Submarine-
This independent British film (something I would, recommend, right?), is about the coming-of-age of a
charming Welsh boy named Oliver Tate. It features sharp, witty dialogue
and original songs by Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys.
- John Mulaney: New In Town- Watching this stand-up special was one of the
funniest hours I’ve ever experienced. A perfect pick-me-up for
end-of-the-quarter assesments.
- House of Cards- If you’re not watching this show, you should be. It’s f***ing
insane.
- Dexter
“Season 8”- Just kidding, don’t watch this.
- In Bruges-
Not for the faint of heart, but an enthralling blacker-than-black comedy.
Very smart, very funny, kind of messed up, but grade-A cinema.
- Clerks-
Kevin Smith’s first and best movie. Really funny, downright ridiculous
dialogue. Great way to kill 90 minutes.
- In the Loop- Great British/American political comedy. Razor-sharp dialogue,
and biting political satire. Also, features Peter Capaldi, the 12th
Doctor, as a foul-mouthed Scotsman.
What I Wish
They Found In Yanukovych’s Estate
By: Chris Halter
(Our Eye on the World)
Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych fled the
Ukraine after signing a peace deal with anti-government protesters. Once
exiled, the Ukrainian public had the opportunity to explore their ousted
leader’s 140 hectare estate, and what they found was astonishing: a golf
course, a zoo, hundreds of expensive cars, a pirate ship, and much, much more.
As much as I enjoyed reading about the absurdity of his estate I compiled a
list of five things I wish they had found.
- Every season of Dora the Explorer: because what is
funnier than a iron fisted leader who is into children’s television.
- A huge collection of pornography: it was funny when we
realized Bin Laden was a porn addict, but a civilized world leader owning
a huge collection of pornography... classic.
- A giant portrait of Vladimir Putin: If there was a huge
portrait of good ol’ Vlad—preferably a shirtless one with Bears—it would
certainly raise questions about any special trips Putin made to the
Ukraine.
- A library of self-help books: the irony of a corrupt
leader trying to better understand his emotions would be too much to bear.
- A pillow
person: You know those pillows shaped like a person in a spooning
position, one of those kind of pillows because after all, money can’t buy
love.
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