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RIP
Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of our beloved friend, Jason Johnson, who just couldn’t keep up with the addy. May he rest in paradise.
Message from Mr. Davis
Poet Timothy Donnelly, author of The Cloud Corporation and Twenty- Seven Props for a Production of Eine Lebenszeit, will read today in the Manchester Library at 4pm. Lovers of verse and two-handed tennis are welcome. Book signing to follow. Cookies and punch after that.
March Madness
Also known as college decisions. Easily one of the most arbitrary processes, unfortunately for some and fortunately for others. Good luck to all.
2048
Do not ever play this game, under any circumstances. Addiction is unnavoidable. It is the intellectual second coming of Flappy Bird.
Quote of the Day
“You're happy because you're successful. For now. But what is happiness? It's a moment before you need more happiness.”
- Don Draper (Mad Men)
Phil
Phil
Articles
Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of our beloved friend, Jason Johnson, who just couldn’t keep up with the addy. May he rest in paradise.
Message from Mr. Davis
Poet Timothy Donnelly, author of The Cloud Corporation and Twenty- Seven Props for a Production of Eine Lebenszeit, will read today in the Manchester Library at 4pm. Lovers of verse and two-handed tennis are welcome. Book signing to follow. Cookies and punch after that.
March Madness
Also known as college decisions. Easily one of the most arbitrary processes, unfortunately for some and fortunately for others. Good luck to all.
2048
Do not ever play this game, under any circumstances. Addiction is unnavoidable. It is the intellectual second coming of Flappy Bird.
Quote of the Day
“You're happy because you're successful. For now. But what is happiness? It's a moment before you need more happiness.”
- Don Draper (Mad Men)
Phil
Phil
Articles
April 1, 2014
Dear Matthew Healey,
Dear Matthew Healey,
We here at BetterThanYou University are
pleased to inform you that you have been selected
for rejection for the freshman class of 2018.
(April Fools! Did we getcha? Haha). Fortunately
for us, your $100 application fee is non-
refundable.
Each year, BTY University receives over 2 billion competitive applications for each available spot in our incoming class, and we here in the rejections admissions office hate having to turn down so many highly qualified individuals. You of course were not one of those highly qualified individuals and we rejected you with great pleasure and ease. Rest assured, though, that we spent ample time reviewing your application. It took Jimmy five minutes to stop laughing at your measly 4.8 GPA. (You should be a little proud though; that is in fact a new record for time spent on any one app)!
Remember that this decision in no way reflects on you as a person, because we in no way judged you as a person. Instead we recited an ancient Celtic incantation and rolled the Magic Dice of Good Decisions. Sadly, you got snake eyes, which of course means rejection.
If you are still interested in BTY University, please understand that the feeling is not mutual. However, we would be more than happy to take another $100 fee from you for a first year transfer application.
Wishing you the best in your future endeavors as an unemployed bum with a long list of crushed dreams,
Fred Umbridge
Associate Dean of Rejections and Financial Gain
P.S. If you would like to help your chances for a future application, our campus could really use a new science center...just saying.
Each year, BTY University receives over 2 billion competitive applications for each available spot in our incoming class, and we here in the rejections admissions office hate having to turn down so many highly qualified individuals. You of course were not one of those highly qualified individuals and we rejected you with great pleasure and ease. Rest assured, though, that we spent ample time reviewing your application. It took Jimmy five minutes to stop laughing at your measly 4.8 GPA. (You should be a little proud though; that is in fact a new record for time spent on any one app)!
Remember that this decision in no way reflects on you as a person, because we in no way judged you as a person. Instead we recited an ancient Celtic incantation and rolled the Magic Dice of Good Decisions. Sadly, you got snake eyes, which of course means rejection.
If you are still interested in BTY University, please understand that the feeling is not mutual. However, we would be more than happy to take another $100 fee from you for a first year transfer application.
Wishing you the best in your future endeavors as an unemployed bum with a long list of crushed dreams,
Fred Umbridge
Associate Dean of Rejections and Financial Gain
P.S. If you would like to help your chances for a future application, our campus could really use a new science center...just saying.
My Friends at the Bishop's
Welcome Barbecue
By: Erik Schrunk
1) Mark Matten is doing physics problems in a glass cage labeled "Exhibit A." Some daring student adds a plus sign so that it reads "Exhibit A+." Ms. Roche nods her head in silent approval.
2) As Mr. Goss shows off the enormous library to the crowd, Joseph Oh runs out, hastily- done homework in his hand. "What the--?" he asks.
3) Ms. Roche proudly refers the new students to the senior rec room, a place for our responsible, mature seniors to spend time together. Jake Ramirez is seen chanting "off the table!" while hitting all the pool balls off the pool table, which is covered in milk and milk cartons.
4) Rory French holds the door for an entire crowd of people. He smiles the whole time.
5) Phil Forte wasn't even supposed to be there, but too many people wanted his autograph, so he had to stay.
6) Graham Held stares with disapproval upon the crowd of unnecessarily happy people.
By: Erik Schrunk
1) Mark Matten is doing physics problems in a glass cage labeled "Exhibit A." Some daring student adds a plus sign so that it reads "Exhibit A+." Ms. Roche nods her head in silent approval.
2) As Mr. Goss shows off the enormous library to the crowd, Joseph Oh runs out, hastily- done homework in his hand. "What the--?" he asks.
3) Ms. Roche proudly refers the new students to the senior rec room, a place for our responsible, mature seniors to spend time together. Jake Ramirez is seen chanting "off the table!" while hitting all the pool balls off the pool table, which is covered in milk and milk cartons.
4) Rory French holds the door for an entire crowd of people. He smiles the whole time.
5) Phil Forte wasn't even supposed to be there, but too many people wanted his autograph, so he had to stay.
6) Graham Held stares with disapproval upon the crowd of unnecessarily happy people.
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