Sidebar
Sidebar
Jokes
The past, the present, and the future walk
into a bar. It got tense.
Why can’t the bicycle stand up straight?
Because it’s two tired.
-Courtesy of
Professional Nerd Thomas Higginson
Sports
Gameday! Girls wopo at 3 at Grom Central.
Get out there because it’s a big game, as we are fighting for best team in San
Diego, who runs LJ, and whose boys are hotter. After you turn up at the
communist empire, hurry back to the bish to watch Varsity San Miguel take on
Francis Parker, meg some nerds, and try to figure out what a lancer is. And, if
you are up to it, roll on over to Parker afterwards to watch the girls play
because Bishop’s runs Randee. Also, don’t forget the first big basketball home
game on Friday night. Turn up to see Dempsey go hard in the paint and Lizanich
dropping buckets like a kid at the beach making a sand castle.
Lyrics
I’ve seen your frown
And it’s like looking down the barrel of a
gun
And it goes off
Articles
Matthew
Kerr’s Guide to
Parenting Young Children: Volume I
Hello,
friends!
*winks* *smiles with white teeth* *girl in
audience faints*
Despite
being a baby myself, I do have many opinions about modern parenting, and have
decided that some of my cynical insight could be necessary to make your child
either a serious mess or a delightful angel. If you haven’t heard my advice,
chances are your child is terrible. Read on. Here are some tips on how to be a
successful parent.
1.
MAKE THEM EAT
Children
that refuse to eat are literally the worst. Your parents did not work those
long days just so you could disgustedly stare at a beautiful meal in front of
you and demand an unhealthy bowl of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Do NOT bribe
them (Ex: “You can have 10
cookies and my Lexus if you take a bite of chicken”) just so they eat.
If your child does not want to eat, simply remind them that THEY WILL DIE
without food. Literally, if they don’t eat, they will STARVE, and
eventually, they will stop being stupid and realize that. You cannot let them
take over you. It may be exhausting but it is NECESSARY. Be assertive,
especially for younglings.
2.
DO NOT LET THEM PUSH YOU AROUND
The
other day I went to Disneyland and I witnessed a child full-on PUNCH HIS MOTHER
IN THE BACK. Of course, she didn’t do anything. She probably just
laughed in a delighted manner and thought to herself “Oh, Timmy! Aren’t you the cutest?” WRONG. Timmy is the
worst person in the world and he should probably be put on a child leash. While
I understand this mother may have been too tired to deal with little Timmy, she
should have at least understood that this kind of chaotic disrespect only leads
to anarchy within the parent-child relationship. What’s next, Timmy doing
cocaine at his 8th birthday party? Probably.
3.
ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY IS BAD
Somebody
needs to write a 100-page senior thesis in Chicago format on why some
6-year-olds have iPhones. This is an unnecessary yet disappointingly common
thing that occurs between parents and children, and from what I’ve witnessed, it
only limits real interaction. While that occurs for teens and adults as well
(you always see those families texting at the dinner table), phones just
generally serve as meaningless entertainment for young children. Let’s be real, most children
have $500 cell phones just so they can play Angry Birds in the corner of an
adult dinner party. Teach your child to play violin or ski black diamond
mountains instead. Also, who does a 6-year-old possibly need to contact, and
can they form coherent text messages? The answer is unknown.
Finally,
just teach your child to be nice. Children can be truly malicious today in this
society that is often built solely on bringing others down. You have all the
control in raising your child and it is very devastating to see weak parents
raise kids that are spoiled and bratty. BE STRONG AND SAY NO. CHILDREN WILL WORK
TO GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING. THEY ARE NOT AS KIND AS THE KIDS FROM “MARY POPPINS,” AND IN FACT, THEY
ARE EVIL. Anyways, that’s my insight to
parenting.
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