Issue 76 (2013-2014)

Issue 76 (January 6, 2014)

Sidebar

Welcome Back!

For real, kids. Have a delightful second semester.

Happy New Year!

2014 WHAT WHAT

IT’S A BIG YEAR KIDS I’M SURE MANY THINGS WILL HAPPEN

Crazy Sock Day

It’s a crazy sock day, friends! Hopefully everyone is either wearing crazy socks or mentally kicking themselves for forgetting to wear crazy socks.

Lyrics Quiz

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

Things to Remember for Second Semester

1)      Homework

2)      Your schedule

3)      Pants

4)      Writing Utensils

5)      Turning Points (Marbury vs. Madison! JUDICIAL REVIEW!!! SEMI-INSIDE JOKE!)

6)      Forgivenness

7)      Basic Mathematics

8)      Vocabulary

9)      Time management

10)   Have fun and be yourself!

HAVE A GOOD DAY, FRIENDS.

Articles

New Year, New Article Full of Pictures of Sun Bears

By: Colin Garon (Has run out of non-sun bear related conversation topics)

                This year, my New Year’s resolutions were to a) get out more, and b) obsess over sun bears even more. And because I like to get things done early, I did both in late December 2013 with a nice family trip to the San Diego Zoo. So to start off the semester right, let’s all take a moment and celebrate the natural majesty of the sun bear. Take a walk with me down:

I walk a lonely road; the only one that I have ever known.

                Here is a sun bear proudly pacing its enclosure.

                Fear me, it says. Respect me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It quotes Aretha Franklin, showing that it is cultured as well as wonderful, and has a healthy appreciation for the Queen of Soul. A zookeeper throws food at it from above. If we were in the wild, says the bear, I would tear you limb from limb with my freakishly long sun bear claws. The zookeeper, dead-eyed and cold-hearted, tosses a few more food-looking bits in a perfunctory fashion. She is the worst.

                It prepares to jump from a high and treacherous rocky ledge and alight smoothly onto the cold stones below. It is agile and fleet of foot, like a carnivorous bear-shaped rabbit. It leaps like a large, furry, four-legged grasshopper and lands perfectly, like a cat, except actually a sun bear the whole time. It is a wondrous thing to behold.

An illustration provided by the San Diego Zoo reminds us that despite their beauty and grace, sun bears are WILD BEASTS GIVEN TO FITS OF TEMPER. It stares accusingly, its beady eyes glowing with malice beneath multiple face wrinkles. It lifts its claws menacingly. Despite all this, it is still the most wonderful and kind creature on Earth.

2014 is the Year of the Sun Bear. Let the year begin.