Full Dana Pierce Interview

Full Dana Pierce Interview

What is your origin story?

Here is the story as it has been passed down to me:

I was born a bastard child on the bayous of Boston (or at least near a salt marsh).  I was originally bald, pink and wrinkly (I am currently working hard to regain this look).  My birth mother could not recall who my father was:  “He may have been the drummer in this band I saw at Cornstalk (a lesser precursor to the famous rock festival).  I’m just not sure.”  This was the late 60’s and uncertainty was common.  Several friends and relatives commented to her that it may have been an immaculate conception (that’s right “an” immaculate conception, because it’s so common).  “I certainly hope it was clean,” she said.   The religious possibilities intimidated her and eventually became too much (nothing ever came of this of course, but just in case: “Bless you, my children”), and I was put up for adoption.  I found myself installed summarily at an orphanage called the “Home for Little Wanderers.”  There I really found a place to indulge freely in my interests as I was permitted to cry and scream as much as I wanted with no threat of interruption for hugs or food.  Eventually, I tired of all the fun, and I began a serious training regimen with my eye on the prize: escape.  During a period when most babies double their weight, I stayed lean and fit, managing to gain only one pound.  I bided my time, and finally one afternoon I was able to attain, by stealth alone, the “Coveted Papers”.  These were the forms necessary for me to file to adopt a family.  I submitted the papers, and in no time I was able to choose a family that satisfied my needs and expectations.  Within a few short days, I was able to pack up my things (a ragged pacifier and a tanket, which is what I called the unidentifiable cross of a towel and blanket that I stored old bodily fluids in and apparently loved to sleep with) and join my new family.  This family provided me with a high fiber diet of love, hugs and salty snacks, and I have grown into quite a regular guy.

Math teacher fashion. What's in? What's out?

Really anything from Sears.  Preferably your shopping is done in the early spring, and your purchases are exclusively sale items from their spectacular fall line.  Think Land’s End and corduroy.  I recommended only purchasing clothing twice per decade.

Tennis. For or against?

I am for the forehand, and I am against calling individual competition singles as some of those people are actually married or at least in serious relationships.

Proudest achievement that we wouldn't expect. 

Teaching my four year old daughter to speak with a Boston accent.  If you never thought lobsters were cute, you will after you hear her say, “Lobsta!”

Stance on Davis?

He is great.  I love the way that the last four letters of his name spell a car rental company, plus the first two letters spell “add” incorrectly and backwards.  As a math teacher, how could I fail to appreciate that?

If you could obliterate any historical figure, who would it be?

Mrs. Science.  This evil vixen is constantly trying to improve our understanding of the world.  To that I say, “Ooh aren’t you fancy.”  You are sucking the marrow of life dry.  Leave me be to make up the truths that I want to be true.  The world will be better for it, or at least we won’t have any understanding of what hit us.  Freedom!

What novel would you most want to live in?

I would not want to live in any novel.  Even the longest ones, like War and Peace or Battlefield Earth or the last five Harry Potter’s would be cramped.  And all that paper gets moldy over time and I’m allergic.

What is your spirit animal?

My first thought was the arctic fox.  They are wild and snuggly.  Quite the paradox.  But I have to go with the mythical Gragondoodle.  This animal has the head and tail of a dragon, the body and wings and an eagle, and the dainty, well-manicured legs and feet of a poodle.  Of course, it can’t stand up because of its tiny feet, but it lies about fiercely and wisely.  Just try to slip something by this completely made up beast.

Snarkiest thing you've ever said to a student?

Congratulations on the B+!  (This student had an 89.99 average, and due to the B+ grade was not allowed to drive for 8 years.)

Favorite (math) function?  

F o G o F

Do you prefer Dana or Mr. Pierce?

Aren’t they the same person?

Do you actually like us?

As the flower likes the rain.  Well, maybe not if you were falling on my head.  But you nourish my soul and make my days worth living.  My weekdays anyway.  On the weekends I enjoy bowling, spending time with my family, and lying on the floor moaning and staring vacantly at the ceiling.