Sidebar
You Want To Know What Mr. Pierce’s
Favorite Function Is?
F
o G o F
I Started Writing Poetry
But
I felt like a jerk, so I stopped.
Reflections!!!
Just
because I can’t write poetry doesn’t mean you can’t! Submit all of your poetic
musings to reflectionslitmagazine@gmail.com.
Happy Belated Birthday Alarisse!
Flappy Bird’s
defunct
Dong
Ngyuen, the Vietnamese creator of the hellish nightmare that is Flappy Bird,
has removed it from sale. I am convinced the entire game was just Vietnam’s way
of getting back at America for
introducing McDonald’s to Ho Chi Minh City.
Dan Snyder
The
Washington Redskins owner, who has, contrary to popular opinion and vehemently,
refused to change the racist name of his team may now consider doing so now
that he has fired Coach Mike Shana-tan.
Coming Soon
We
are going to start fundraising for our end-of-the-year compilation, and we
think that you are going to want to buy what we’re selling.
Good Movie-Related Music
“The
Moon Song” by Karen O & Vampire Weekend’s Ezra Koenig comes out on iTunes
this week. It’s from Her, and it is
so chill. Get it.
Articles
Alpha Male of Eternity:
Dana Pierce
By: Greg Feiner (Dana’s #1 Fan)
There
is a man, a man whose legend rides on the whispers of integrals, a man who has
captured the hearts and minds of the student body like a tap-dancing kitten, a
man of majesty, mystery, and (perhaps most of all) sass. That man is math
teacher, Dana Pierce, and he has taken Bishop’s by storm.
Though we all know of his
meteoric rise to mass popularity, from the infamous “packet” retreat, to the
chants of “DANA DANA DANA!” echoing in the gym after a routine announcement, I
wanted to know what makes Mr. Pierce tick. So I prepared some questions so
strange that they could be UChicago essay prompts, and sat down with Mr. Pierce
for the interview of the century. I encourage you to read the full interview
(which will be posted on the blog), as I have limited space, and cannot
possibly include everything. It’s beyond funny.
Dana Pierce was born “on the
bayous of Boston (or at least near a salt marsh).” He commented that, “my birth
mother could not recall who my father was… This was the late 60’s and
uncertainty was common. Several friends
and relatives commented to her that it may have been an immaculate conception
(that’s right ‘an’ immaculate conception, because it’s so common)... The
religious possibilities intimidated her and eventually became too much (nothing
ever came of this of course, but just in case: ‘bless you, my children’), and I
was put up for adoption.” However, despite his rough start, he was adopted and stated that “my family
provided me with a high fiber diet of love, hugs, and salty snacks, and I have
grown into quite a regular guy.”
I don’t think “regular” is quite the right word. If Mr. Pierce, were,
as he claims, “regular,” then why is he a math-teacher fashion guru? To the
faculty of the Department of Mathematics, take notes: “Sears. Preferably your shopping is done in the early
spring, and your purchases are exclusively sale items from their spectacular
fall line. Think Land’s End and corduroy.
I recommended only purchasing clothing twice per decade.”
When asked what historical
figure he would most like to wipe from existence, Mr. Pierce gave a surprising
answer for a math teacher: “Mrs. Science.” However, after he elaborated, I
couldn’t agree with him more. “This evil vixen is constantly trying to improve
our understanding of the world. To that
I say, ‘Ooh aren’t you fancy.’ You are
sucking the marrow of life dry. Leave me
be to make up the truths that I want to be true. The world will be better for it, or at least
we won’t have any understanding of what hit us.
Freedom!” Honestly, what has
science ever done for us?
In the interest of staying
current, I posed a few questions about Mr. Davis and tennis. Mr Pierce has only
positive things to say about Mr. Davis: “he is great. I love the way that the last four letters of
his name spell a car rental company, plus the first two letters spell ‘add’
incorrectly and backwards. As a math
teacher, how could I fail to appreciate that?” He does have one objection about
tennis: “I am against calling individual competition singles as some of those
people are actually married or at least in serious relationships.”
Some of Mr. Pierce’s greatest
work has come as a master of sass. He has gone so far as to say to a student,
“congratulations on the B+! (This
student had an 89.99 average, and due to the B+ grade was not allowed to drive
for 8 years.)” He doesn’t prefer either Dana or Mr. Pierce, because, after all,
“aren’t they the same person?” I sincerely hope he pursues a career in comedy;
his special would get so many ratings that Comedy Central would explode.
Mr. Pierce is a very busy man.
He teaches classes, is on the Disciplinary Committee, sponsors the Class of
2014, and still manages to keep us all entertained. Though he likes us, “as the
flower likes the rain,” he always looks forward to his weekends. “On the
weekends I enjoy bowling, spending time with my family, and lying on the floor
moaning and staring vacantly at the ceiling.” That last bit actually sounds
oddly similar to what I do in my free time.
Like his spirit animal, tha
mythical Gragondoodle (an animal that “has the head and tail of a dragon, the
body and wings of an eagle, and the dainty, well-manicured legs and feet of a
poodle”), he “lies about fiercely and wisely,” calling the shots and carrying
out his mission to destroy the last packet. He has reached “demigod status”
among the student body—or at least the senior class—for good reason, and it is
for this good reason that he is the Alphamale of Eternity.
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