Sidebar
R.I.P.
Nelson Mandela passed away yesterday at 95 years old.
He was a great man and champion of civil rights, both in his native South
Africa and in the world. Because of him, this world is a better place.
Complaints
If you have any grievances or complaints about
any of the content of this fine publication, we’d love to hear about it from
your mouth, not the grapevine. Thanks.
Formal
Today’s the day! Hope you all ordered your corsages and
boutenirrres! If not, you may want to get on that.
Jokes of the
Day (Brought to You By Thomas Higginson
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped
on it?
Nothing, but it let out a whine
Juxtaposition
Kevin Hart (5’3”) will be acting opposite LeBron
James (6’8”) as his brother in an upcoming comedy. Get excited.
Sun Animals
After Colin’s scathing attack on the admittedly
less-than-attractive sunfish yesterday, I shudder to think at what he will say
about sunbirds.
Lyrics Quiz
Oh Santa,
I’ve been waiting’ on you.
That’s funny kid
Because
I’ve been coming for you.
Articles
Nessa, You’re Fired
By: Greg Feiner (Heartless Jerk)
At announcements on Wednesday, The Daily Urinal’s own Nessa Garcia
decided it would be a good idea to acknowledge The Tower. She was wrong.
When I heard that the announcement was attributed to one of our own, my
heart broke. My initial thought was “she’s off the staff,” but then I paused; perhaps
it’s not that bad to appreciate the Tower. Maybe we should think of them as
collegues and not rivals. Maybe their publication has different merits than
ours and we as a school should recognize those merits more often.
Then I purposefully stepped on a Lego for even allowing such thoughts to
enter my mind.
The Tower is our sworn enemy, the England to our Scotland, the
U.S.S.R. to our U.S.A., the baking soda to our vinegar, the homework to our
sleep patterns, the Joker to our Batman,
the Voldemort to our Harry Potter, the Newman to our Seinfeld, the Moriarty to
our Sherlock Holmes, the Montagues to our Capulets.
They, with their monthly publication schedule and unfunny, “informative”
articles have been trying to outdo us since the Daily Urinal’s inception. To interact
with them in any way is unforgivable.
So, sorry Nessa, but pack your knives, get off the island, you’re
fired.
Hopefully you understand, but we just can’t have someone that
fraternizeswith any member of the Tower staff (our mortal foes) working on this
fine publication, let alone someone who compliments their entire publication.
Seriously, who does that? It’s a conflict of interest and we can’t have it.
Don’t worry, I have no doubt that you’ll be able to find another job.
Thigh Gap
By:
Adela Pfaff (Staff Writer)
“You’re
pretty even though you don’t have a thigh gap.” is not a compliment.
“You’re
so lucky you have a thigh gap.” is not a compliment.
“I
wish I could eat as little as you.” is not a compliment.
“I
wish I could eat as much as you.” is not a compliment
“Oh my
god you’re so thin, you’re like anorexic!” is not a compliment.
“Aw,
but I loved your long hair!” is not a compliment.
“You
shouldn’t wear so much makeup.” is not a compliment.
“You
should borrow my mascara, it'd look so good on you.” is not a compliment.
“Why
did you dye your hair? It was so pretty before.” is not a compliment.
“I
like your hair better when it's natural.” is not a compliment.
“I
like your hair better when you straighten it.” is not a compliment.
“You’re
so pretty even though you’re not skinny.” is not a compliment.
“I
wish I were exotic like you.” is not a compliment.
“I
wish I had the courage to wear a crazy outfit like you in public.” is not a
compliment.
“It’s
better to be curvy like you than skinny like her.” is not a compliment.
“It’s
better to be thin like you than fat like her.” is not a compliment.
“I
could break you in half!” is not a compliment.
“You
should talk more, you’re always so quiet.” is not a compliment.
“Have
you lost weight?” is not a compliment.
Although
you may attack me for being “too PC,” what may be flattering in your ears could
be insulting in another’s; take care when you compliment someone.
No comments:
Post a Comment