Sidebar
Nessa
Greg
did not actually fire Nessa. The entire joke of the original article was that
he is, in fact, dating the editor of The Tower. In addition, Greg hopes that
if Nessa is ever actually fired in the future, she will know that saying “no,
I’d rather not be fired,” really isn’t an option.
Filner
Ex-Mayor of San Diego and King
of the Goblins, Bob Filner has been
sentenced to 90 days of house arrest and $1,500 in fines. It’s good to know
that we live in a world where assaulting 19 women is on par with an illegal NFL hit.
Wrex the Halls
Why did it have to be on a
school-night? Answer me that, 91x.
Exchange Rates Worth Noting
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1.067 Canadian Dollars (CAN)
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Word of the Day
Multitasking
Poetry/Prose Quiz
One
Christmas was so much like another, in those years around the sea-town corner
now and out of all sound except the distant speaking of the voices I sometimes
hear a moment before sleep, that I can never remember whether it snowed for six
days and six nights when I was twelve or whether it snowed for twelve days and
twelve nights when I was six.
Lyrics Quiz
Go
to sleep, and when we wake up, Imma hit that thing again. Promise.
Articles
Why People Should Have Tails
By: Chris Halter (Born Again Staff Writer)
Dear Bathroom Goer,
I hope
you are enjoying whatever you’re doing in the bathroom; while you’re doing what
you’re doing, I invite you to imagine how much better this world would be if
people had tails like dogs. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking,
“Jeez, the DU has really hit rock-bottom now...” But please, I beg you to take
this invitation seriously.
First of
all, the world would be significantly more entertaining. Just imagine walking
into your class the day of a test, everybody’s tails tucked between their legs.
Even better, imagine the already crowded big-top being filled with people
wagging their tails at the thought of the feast they are about to consume. In a
world where humans have tails there would never be a dull moment. Added bonus,
if you get bored you could just play with your tail.
I can
tell that I’m really starting to convince you, but there is more to my
incredible theory. If people had tails you could always know how they are
feeling; for example, because females tend to mask their true emotions with
statements like, “It doesn’t matter,” or, “Really I’m fine,” you could
instantly tell whether they’re being honest. Simply take a peek over their shoulder
and you’ll be able to tell if they’re upset! The possibilities are endless.
Now that
you’re completely convinced I encourage you to talk to your doctor about your
options for adding appendages to your body. It’s never been easier! The
selection of plastic surgeons in the La Jolla area is second to none (except
maybe West Los Angeles) so you’ll be able to find the surgeon that fits your
needs.
Don’t waste anymore time, get a tail today!
With love,
Chris Halter
The
Invention of Neck Pillows
By: Matthew Kerr (Sky Mall Historian)
“I look incredible,” muttered Jonathan
Vanderbliss, a 37-year old man from Madison, Wisconsin. Suitcase in hand,
Jonathan gazed upon his own fine reflection in the mirror of an airport
bathroom, reminiscing about the adventure that is life. Just then, a man
entered.
“Sorry, I didn’t know anybody was—”
The
man stared at Jonathan, blank-faced, eyes widened, almost as if he were gazing
into his soul.
“Where did you get that?”
“What?” Jonathan
questioned. He looked around. “I
purchased this suitcase from Samsonite, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“No,” the man shook his
head. “That.”
Jonathan
realized that he was not referring to the suitcase, but to something else. The
man reached forward and grabbed an item off of Jonathan’s neck: A cushion
of sorts. Curved, soft, plushy, the item was one of magnificent brilliance. The
man was both perplexed and stunned, holding the object in his hands, slowly
observing it, sniffing it, tears forming in his eyes. He held it above his
head, the grace of God practically visible, divine hymns echoing, a strong and
radiant light penetrating through the cracked ceiling tiles of the airport
bathroom.
“This is a holy
creation,” the man uttered, as
a single tear streamed down his face.
Jonathan
casually grabbed the item from the man and nonchalantly spoke. “Oh, I invented
that. I call it a vertebrae cushion. I wear it on long airplane rides so my
neck doesn’t hurt.”
The
man looked stunned. “That’s fascinating,” he said. “Incredible. I’m amazed. It
appears to be so comfortable. And you don’t look stupid in it at all!” Jonathan blushed. “Sir, I don’t know who you are,
but I run an investment company. I would like to purchase this ‘vertebrae cushion’ idea of yours for 25
billion dollars.”
Jonathan
was overcome with joy. “Okay!” he shouted.
The
man took out 25 billion dollars cash from his satchel and began counting it.
Hours later, Jonathan was swimming in a pile of dollar bills. The man finished
counting the money.
“There you are,
Jonathan,” he said. “We’ll be in touch.” Jonathan was
stoked. The man began to exit the bathroom. Just as he opened the door, he
abruptly turned around and leaned forward.
“Just an idea; drop vertebrae
cushion. Just call it: neck pillow. It’s smoother.” He exited, leaving
Jonathan both a billionaire and a revolutionary. And so, the neck pillow came
to be.
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