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Get Ready For Review Week
Woot woot. That means it's almost time for finals! Only a few titanic tests stand in your way now. I say titanic not because the tests are huge and count for 25% of your grade, but rather because they are going to end miserably and Leonardo Dicaprio will likely cry for you.
Here's a picture of a sunfish
Colin Garon
(Whose name rhymes with Golin Caron) would like to challenge Bessie Barnes to a sun duel.
DU Editor Matt Agrees With Nessa That fraternization should only take place between members of the same publication. Even so, all interactions should still be strictly formal in nature.
Last Friday Night
Was Winter Formal. You probably missed it because you were busy studying for finals, doing college apps or waiting in line outside the Bishop's cafeteria.
Lyrics Quiz
When Santa visits his Paesans
With Dominick he'll be
Because the reindeer cannot
Climb the hills of Italy
Poetry Quiz
No man is an island
Entire of itself
Each is a piece of the continent
A part of the main
Articles
A Refusal
By Nessa Garcia (Employment Status Pending)
As I clicked “send” on the message of sincere words that I had for The Tower, I wondered what I was getting into. Surely, the Tower editors are our sworn enemies and I, as a DU editor, should be constantly bagging on them and criticizing their work. However, after I was offered a slightly wilted flower by a docile Dounia Sawaya in my APUSH class, I decided to actually read an issue to, you know, see what was happening on the opposite side of the battle front. To my horror, I realized that I liked the writing in that issue and feelings of praise bubbled up inside of me. I tried to keep them down, but after a day of self-repression, I came out and just said what I thought to be true. Emphasis on what I thought to be true.
Yet, after reading Greg’s feeble attempt to fire me because of my magnanimous action, I realized that Greg had an even darker secret…
GREG FEINER IS DATING A TOWER EDITOR.
Praising one is one thing, but holding hands, laughing with, and—oh geez, how do I say this—potentially kissing a Tower editor is another. Clearly, Greg is the one here who needs to pack up his forks. Did he think he could hide this sad truth from the world? Evidently not.
Anna Shuster is a fine lady, but inter-publication dating is unacceptable. Such a relationship is detrimental to our school community and society overall. What if they start teaching about these kinds of relationships to our 6th grade? Imagine the consequences it would have on our future kids. It’s just not right.
Thus, I conclude with a short, but firm response: no Greg, I will not resign. For all that it’s worth, I’m glad that you attempted to fire me, because it gave me the chance to expose your double life to everyone. In the words of a totally sane Kanye West, “You ain't got the answers!”.
Ocean Sunfish Are Awesome
By Bessie Barnes (Guest Writer and Sunfish Enthusiast)
Recently, a certain ASBC Vice President with a name similar to Golin Caron wrote an article about his hatred for ocean sunfish. However, I believe this glorious ocean sunfish, also called the Mola Mola, deserves your respect. Here’s why:
1) They’re the world’s largest bony fish. I’d like to see you guys try to achieve an average adult weight of 2,200 lbs.
2) They eat jellyfish. Awesome, right? How many other animals have stomachs that can digest those stinging nematocysts? Jellyfish thrive in warm, polluted waters, and we’ll need all the help we can get to curb their population as sea temperatures rise.
3) They’re super chill, generally spending their days hanging out & basking in the sunlight at the sea surface.
4) They have a hard life. Sea lions are known for ripping off the Mola Mola’s fins and using the bodies as Frisbees. They don’t need you calling them “floppy grey vertical sea pancakes.” Rude.
5) It just shows how far Mother Nature can push a design & still call it a fish.
6) They’re friendly! Sunfish can be very curious and will often approach divers.
7) They just look really cool.
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