Issue 91 (2013-2014)

Issue 91 (January 28, 2014)

Sidebar

DU Issue 90

If you didn’t see Chris’s article yesterday, it is on the blog at thedailyurinal.blogspot.com.

Ilana Stone

Would like to clarify that she enjoyed Chris’s article and that her article is in no way directed at him personally.

Want to be on staff?

Since both of our guest writers  today have contributed more this year than many of our staff writers, the DU Commanders might soon consider adding some new faces to the staff. If you are interested in writing this year and/or next year, consistently submit articles. Who knows what could happen!

Reflections!

Submit all of your artsier prose and poetry to reflectionslitmagazine@gmail.com.

The Grammys

Are a joke, so Greg didn’t watch them.

Call Me, Ishmael

;)

Lyrics Quiz

Brenda and Eddie

Were the popular steadies

And the king and the queen of the prom

Riding around with the car-top

Down and the radio on

Nobody looked any finer

Or was more of a hit at the parkway diner

Articles

Standardized TESTS!?

By: Thomas Higginson (Fabio’s Tennis Buddy)

We all went through the incredibly stressful and annoying process that is standardized testing. Unless you’re on the College Board (or you love mind-blowingly boring tests), then you probably cringe at the following acronyms: SAT, ACT, ISEE, STAR (Tests). To those underclassmen reading this article, I could give you some crude advice. But I’ll let you navigate your hell however you want. A successful rant about these tests could be done in one sentence, and I’ve seen it done before (thanks Yahoo answers), but I want to clarify that I don’t want this to be read as another philippic article that claims to be unbiased. Instead, I want to discuss a recent experience I shared with an older woman whose child applied to the 6th grade at Bishop’s this school year.

It was Friday and I was tired and wanted to go home (a lot of other stuff to set the mood here) and feeling pretty chill. So I walked out the front gate towards my car. Usually complete strangers don’t say hi to my beautiful face (jk), but this lady literally reached out, grabbed my arm, and said, “You’re a 12th grader, right?” Initially I responded by saying “what?” because that’s everyone’s natural response, even when you hear the question (why is that?). So, she repeated herself, and I paused for a brief moment, lifted my eyebrows, and said “yeah.”

Her daughter had taken the ISEE and, from her description, had not done too hot. Again, I have no idea who this was, nor what their name was, but I instantly felt obligated to ensure her by regurgitating some platitude about how stuff works out sooner or later (usually later from my experience). I felt that I had fulfilled my obligations and started inching my way towards my car, but this lady was on the verge of tears. Without hesitation, she began to explain her daughter’s resume to me as if I could get her in: at least, that’s what I thought. I continued the conversation by relating my experiences to those of her daughter’s, and she eventually thanked me for my support.

I took two steps away until I stopped, bit my lip, and aimlessly moved my eyes around. I walked the rest of the path to my car and started driving, when I realized what really happened. This older woman was trying to reach out and say that she feels so significantly helpless for her own child, and I subconsciously, and entirely, related my parents’ experiences to hers. To think that these standardized tests are only stressful for you is simply unfair. Your parents, who are endlessly supporting you, are struck equally as hard when it comes to standardized tests. It may not be so blatantly apparent, but when I thought of the matter, I could instantly relate when I remembered my parents frantically trying to find SAT prep when my score wasn’t where it needed to be. I’m not trying preach to underclassmen that you have to do well, or else you’re parents suffer. I want to emphasize that as students we often overlook the mere assumption that our parents don’t experience emotions the way we do.

I wrote down my thoughts in a text and shared what had happened with a friend (mainly so I wouldn’t forget my original thought). But, honestly, as my thoughts sprung forward, I was the one reaching out, because I was overcome with guilt. Sure some College Board freak can systematically announce that standardized tests are 100% necessary for any admissions process, but they can’t know the cycle of endless stress they cause for you for up to a year.

If you score your goal the first time, (you’ll probs end up retaking anyways haha) then try to support your friends.

An Epiphany

By: Ilana Stone (Welcome Guest)

My fellow Americans: yesterday, I reached an epiphany. As I sat in the science center reading the Daily Urinal™ I realized, many of my friends are closet peasants—and my world was smashed. Mis amigos don’t sport Lands’ End pants out of respect for the uniform code or fear of a uniform violation but rather because they simply cannot afford hippity-hoppity-freaky-fresh Volcom pants. (Those with weak stomachs should stop here.)

To think that I previously thought Bishop’s to be a diverse place. I am ashamed to confess that, at some point in my past, I even believed this school to be the tiniest bit economically diverse. I was also formerly under the notion that Volcom pants were worn, not because they are more expensive, but simply because they were maybe more comfortable or better fitting. But what was I thinking! Every kid at this school is a millionaire right? Every kid gets their dream car. Every kid gets to spend “Daddy’s money.” No one has a flip phone! How dare I ever even think that I was part of a student body in which no one felt the need to boast or brag about their bulging pockets of bucks.

I was once fed some administrative propaganda, that uniforms promoted unity among students or made students feel equal to each other. But I don’t believe that anymore! I’m a changed woman, a butterfly emerging from its pupa stage!

Thank you DU: Issue 90 for opening my eyes to the true world around me, where Lands’ End has become synonymous with “a lack of wealth.” Now I see that every kid at Bishop’s is made of money with no exceptions and we need to rebel against the system. DOWN WITH THE TOTALITARIAN ADMINISTRATION!   VIVE LE BOURGEOISIE!            

Issue 90 (2013-2014)

Issue 90 (January 27, 2014)

Sidebar

HAPPY MONDAY

It's that time in the quarter where every teacher is assigning a test on the same few days

MY VERY OWN REALIZATION

I left my house maybe twice this weekend and was never bored or lonely. I realized that all I would ever need in life to be happy is a good internet connection and Netflix or Wikipedia to be functioning.

GRAMMYS RECAP

Some people won some awards and some other people didn't win some awards. Some French robots dressed in tuxedos won quite a few awards. New Zealand singer Lorde gave a twitchy performance of "Royals" as images of Weeping Angels from Doctor Who appeared on the giant screen behind her. This was a cruel form of torture as you had to choose between keeping your eyes intensely focused on the screen or being sent back in time to die alone in a foreign land. I won't tell you which one I chose but I will acknowledge that I'm writing this from the year 2014 (BCE).

PROTESTS CONTINUE

In Kiev with hundreds of protestors and police injured. Ask yourself, do you know where Kiev is? Could you point to it on a map? If you could, do you know what they are protesting about? Do you know which Canadian pop singer was recently arrested or who won the Grammy for best new artist this weekend?

NETFLIX PUSHING BOUNDARIES LIKE ALWAYS

Netflix just released an original documentary about Mitt Romney. It has a great opening scene and a surprising amount of humor. The movie paints a more human, genuine image of Romney but the real focus is his family. It shows the stress of campaigning and the message is that it's not worth it. Run time: ~90 minutes

Articles

A Revelation

By Chris Halter (DU Social Commentator)

Last week I had a staggering revelation. As I was sitting in my Chinese class I noticed a kid who wasn’t wearing Land’s End style pants. Surely enough, my eyes immediately spotted the diamond of the Volcom logo and my world was shattered - sensitive readers may want to stop here.

I had an ungodly thought, that just maybe, kids who go to Bishop’s MIGHT be wealthy. Now it wasn’t the 32k per year tuition, or the garage full of Range Rovers, Bentleys and BMWs, or the “Daddy’s Money” chants at water Polo games, or even the fact that almost every kid on campus has an iPhone, no it was the god damn Volcom pants that revealed the truth. Never had I imagined that our pristine school located in one of the wealthiest zip codes in the country might have rich kids attending it. The idea seemed preposterous to me, especially considering that everybody wore Land’s End pants to school.

Now that I see the light, I can’t help but agree with the administration that Volcom pants are a contamination in what should be a pure environment. In fact, I say we extend the idea. To prevent kids from sharing my awful realization I propose that everybody who drives to school must drive a small to mid sized, neutral colored sedan with no visible labels or brand names on it. Nobody should be able to take out their cell phone because it may be clear who can afford a smartphone and who cannot and most importantly we need to enforce our pants policy. Actually, forget it. Let’s just have everybody come to school naked because that would solve the problem completely. We must protect the innocence of children at all costs because nothing is more obscene than obvious wealth.

I’d like to thank the administration for trying so hard to protect me from the awful truth - a truth nobody should know - that most kids who go to Bishop’s have money. I consider myself the face of a movement now; I call it the “Keep-kids-ignorant-because-no-kid-should-have-to- realize-his-friends-might-be-rich-or-poor Movement.” After all, no child should have to deal with the reality of income inequality. Especially not the ones who will have the most power to change it. It’s simply too great a cross to bear. I ask you to join me in my movement to eradicate any slight glimmer of wealthiness from our campus. No more innocent children should be forced to deal with reality. 

Issue 89 (2013-2014)

Issue 89 (January 24, 2014)

Sidebar

FRIDAY

One of the better days of the week.

MEN’S SOCCER

Won 6-0 against SDA! (Source: The Dungeon’s Instagram) (Scores in other games as yet unknown)

True that, Nessa

Email is man’s greatest invention. Without email, we are nothing. With email, we are everything.

JBiebz

Was arrested today. He tried to post bail, but the police told him that they promised to “never let you go.” HEEYYOOOOOOO!!!!

Lyrics Quiz

Don’t know if I’m elated or gassy

But I’m somewhere in that zone

‘Cause for the first time in forever

I won’t be alone.

Lyrics Quiz 2

They love the way I walk

‘Cause I walk with a vengeance

And they listen to me when I talk

‘Cause I ain’t pretending

Took a while, now I understand

Just where I’m going

I know the world and I know who I am

‘Bout time I show it [scream]

Articles

Your Guide to Dealing with Microaggressions

By: Nessa Garcia

Microaggressions, as many of you probably already know (#advisorytalks), are those not-so-blatant, often unintentional words or actions that affect someone negatively, whether he/she consciously acknowledges them or not.  Ok, great, now you understand what they are. But how do you deal with them? This, in my opinion, is the most important information. Hopefully you’ll care to read on for the sake of standing up for yourself and others, but if not, feel free to just go about your day and maybe buy a Twix bar, which has been recently inflated by 25 cents. Your choice.

Amongst friends, pausing the conversation to question another’s words/actions is daunting. In theory (a.k.a. what you tell yourself you’d do but in reality, don’t), you would calmly tell your friend(s) that what they did wasn’t cool, in which the conversation would then seamlessly carry on due to your impressive social finesse. After the group would disperse, grateful people would praise you for your bravery and righteousness. Obviously, this is not how things work.

When you speak up about something of this nature, it risks being awkward and conspicuous in a casual setting. Others may then assume you as “not (whipple)chill,” and possibly too uptight to hang out with. That’s why, as I learned from the sage Carl Kyrillos, you should speak up about it in a tone that matches the current conversation. If people are joking around, speak up in a way that’s light hearted and quick to understand. No one will have to dwell too much on what you’ve pointed out, but they shouldn’t repeat the microaggression, at least in that time frame. This quick little action is infinitely better than feeling uncomfortable and having to hide your feels through pain-laughter (note: not a real word), feigned amusement that one expresses towards a microaggression.

But now, what if a teacher says or does something that makes you feel poorly? Where is your god now? After someone in my advisory posed this question and we fell silent, Ms. Lloyd offered: “You know, teachers are humans too.” To this, we all spit out our drinks and began to scream. You mean to say that teachers aren’t infallible beings and that they can create a microaggression after all their years of education and life experience? Frankly so, yes.

Unless you are senselessly afraid of your teacher, communication after a class is manageable. Waiting until the class leaves shows that you didn’t want to “correct” him/her just for the sake of a show. Nevertheless, some people prefer to spend their time on word choice and tone, which is where e-mail comes in. I believe that e-mail was invented to give people the chance to edit and re-edit themselves without having a page full of erase marks to show. That being said, your chance to accurately express yourself in a distanced manner lies within e-mail. Quick summary: e-mail. Did I tell you I love e-mail?

To be honest, there are never complete answers to dealing with social situations. However, I hope these are some suggestions that you can utilize when needed. Now, go ahead and buy yourself that Twix bar. You deserve it.

XYZ

By: Colin Garon

                My Bishop’s education has helped me to answer many important questions. When do I use ‘whom’? What causes gravity? Turn up for what? I’ve solved them all, with a complicated mixture of calculus, guesswork, and Yahoo Answers. But one burning question remains: How do you tell someone their zipper is down?

                The issue, of course, is that when you let someone know that their fly is down, you’re implicitly admitting that you looked at their fly, which is conveniently located right on top of the crotch. Read: You looked at their crotch. People don’t like when people look at people’s crotches. So admitting that you’ve done so, even in the context of a good deed, is off-putting and uncomfortable.

                There’s also the method of telling someone their fly is unzipped. Most commonly, people will whisper “XYZ” in his or her ear, but then someone else will ask what the secret is and you’ll have to admit that the secret is that so-and-so can’t even zip up his or her own pants and is apparently even more incompetent than any of you realized. This is demeaning to so-and-so. So-and-so was in a rush getting out of the bathroom. Don’t even pretend that you understand so-and-so’s problems, because you don’t.

                To me, the best solution is to be loud and proud. Scream it. Shout that so-and-so’s fly is down, that so-and-so is a hot mess, that you never loved so-and-so anyways. Establish your dominance. Because you are the dominant one in this situation. Because your zipper is zipped all the way up, as far as it can go—or is it?

                

Issue 88 (2013-2014)

Issue 88 (January 23, 2014)

REFLECTIONS!!!

Submit to Reflections, at reflectionslitmagazine@gmail.com. I mean, seriously, what have you got to lose? Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

I’M THE BEST CORNER IN THE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seahawks cornerback, Richard Sherman, a man who was raised on the streets of Compton,  got a 4.2 GPA, attended Stanford for three years on academic and athletic scholarship, and has become one of the best defensive backs in the NFL, has apparently set black people back 500 years with his postgame comments after Sunday’s NFC Championship.

Netflix

Netflix now has 44 million subscribers. That’s over 10 million more people than the entire population of Canada. Still, I’m surprised the number is that low.

Eminem

You’d think, by now, that he would’ve gotten over whatever it was that made him so angry.

Illegal Aliens

California has granted a lisence to practice law to an illegal immigrant. Just thought you should know.

Dana Pierce Quote of the Day

Dana Pierce: “Hey Greg, knock knock.”

Me: “Who’s there?”

Dana Pierce: “Shh.”

Articles

Two-handed Tennis: A Review

By: Thomas Higginson (DU Ambassador to Tennis)

There is no other book that has such a unique and refined way to satisfy your lust for casual reading more than Two-handed Tennis. It covers so many invigorating topics, including, but not limited to: preparation, one-handed vs. two-handed strokes, correct hand position, topspin to ground strokes, and the best of both worlds.

Experts only have the best to say about this book, and that’s because the author, Jeffery McCullough, has been “stroking a tennis ball two-handed [since] 1975, after injuring [his] arm while attempting to serve a little too hard.” McCullough’s book is derived from his eight years of experience, which he tries to envelop in his writing.

Though the first chapter is slightly unvaried and discusses the Aussie roots of two-handed tennis, it does include pictures to distract the reader from the monotonous text. Then, suddenly, the books true meaning and content grabs your shirt, brings you in, and whispers its advice in your ear. Just imagine the “...advantages derived from stroking a tennis ball with two-hands.” You could win any match, even if you’re expected to lose.

This book is impressively well researched and written. I’m glad I read it. Slacking in my tennis skills, I now feel like an expert tennis. Initially, I picked it up to keep me occupied during the boring parts of a recruit trip, but was thoroughly surprised.

Jordan Sadowsky,   even though I’ve never played tennis, I challenge you to a match. I feel like I’ve trained in Tibet with the TENNIS monks after having read Two-handed Tennis.

I really hope you, the reader, pick up this fine read. Once you do, you’ll be in agreement with Boston Globe columnist Bud Collins when he says, “This book is a welcome addition to tennis literature, treating two-fisted play as an authentic style deserving of attention.”

Ew, He’s Dating His Computer (A Review of Her)

By: Greg Feiner (DU Cyber Marriage Activist)

                Let me start out by saying that I do not suggest that anyone start taking up a romantic relationship with their computer (Netflix doesn’t quite count, don’t worry). However, if you don’t go see Her merely because it’s about a guy dating his operating system, you are a fool.

The cast is incredible, anchored by another powerhouse performance from Joaquin Phoenix. However, the real story is Scarlett Johansson, who provides the voiceover for Samantha the operating system. She makes it seem as if Samantha is always present and, dare I say it, alive. At times, I completely forgot that she was just a computer’s voice. This voiceover is absolutely crucial; the movie could just as easily been a story about some crazy dude who’s into Siri if it were any less natural as the voice Johansson provides.

Director/writer Spike Jonze (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation.) has outdone himself. This is his masterpiece. He has created an entirely plausible future Los Angeles; skyscrapers and high-rises as far as the eye can see, a fast, efficient, subterranean train system. Everything right down to popular clothing styles is futuristic, yet plausible. Even the way people react to certain things: “Oh, you’re dating an OS [operating system]. Right on, man.”

The story itself is a little less plausible, but not as implausible as you might think. It is rich with symbolism, but not stagnant and boring in the least; there are achingly beautiful dramatic moments mixed in with hysterical comedic ones (there was a Kristin Wiig cameo that almost made me pee myself). The characters are drawn to perfection, and the dialogue sounds like conversations that people might have. These elements together create an illusion that real people (and some real computers) in a real future are doing real things, all against a beautiful score co-composed by William Butler of Arcade Fire. If Her doesn’t win Best Original Screenplay…well, let’s just say it won’t be pretty.

                This is a beautiful love story, but an unconventional one. It is not for everyone. I wouldn’t see it with your parents, or if you’ve formed such a strong prejudice against it that you will have no chance of enjoying it. However, if you keep an open mind, you will laugh, you will cry, and you will turn in your seat, but most importantly, you will leave with a full heart.

Issue 87 (2013-2014)

Issue 87 (January 22, 2014)

Sidebar

Special shoutout to boy genius Jonathan Levenson for publicly admitting on Facebook that he was the one who vandalized the bus. Real smart move there, tough guy.

I may have strayed from the actual game in my article (just a little bit), so here’s a recap. Lisagna was on fire from three, knocking down shot after shot. Phil would have been proud. Dempsey went hard in the paint, balling up some fools. Yu straight up Harlem Globetrotter’d some dweeb from La Jolla. Catch his sweet handles on the next AND1 Mixtape Tour video. Woodley had some clutch boards and shots, and Sahil knocked them down when we needed them most. It was a total team effort, with everyone playing solid basketball, including Cullen and his sophomore girl entourage, and the young Steph Curry. Overall a great game. Congrats to the Bucket Squad.

 Articles

Bright Futures

By: Dan Forssman      

            I came home yesterday, stoked after the Mens Basketball team pulled off a big win against La Jolla High. Of course there was the regular trash-talking back and forth, especially coming from their side. The classic “daddy’s money” chant, even though a good amount of people at Bishop’s are on scholarship and/or have parents that work exceptionally hard in order to provide such an amazing education for their children. Which, if you think about it, is even more ironic because every kid that goes to La Jolla High has to live in one of the wealthiest zip codes in the world just to attend the school. But we can deal with that.

            We can deal with them yelling expletives out their car windows as they drive by after losing to us. “Play football, faggots,” was one of the phrases I heard, walking back to my car. No class or respect, but we can deal with teenagers who rely on homophobic slurs in order to get a slight masculinity boost or some brownie points with their super cool friends.

            We can deal with them crashing Bishop’s parties and starting fights. We can deal with them being intentionally obnoxious, hurtful, and violent whenever they come into contact with Bishop’s kids. We can deal with that.

            I’ve said my fair share of jokes about the “groms,” as we like to call them. As have most people. But never really in a malicious manner. At Bishop’s, even when our comments border inappropriate or uncalled for, they come from a good place. We live for the rivalries, for the close games that get heated with opponents we know all too well. We merely want our classmates to succeed, and this drives us to get excited, to get “hyphy.” Sometimes games get a little too heated, but hey – we can deal with that.

            I came home last night, stoked after the win. But my mood immediately changed when I checked my messages. A friend sent me a picture of one of our school buses. The word “Fuck” was spray-painted next to “The Bishop’s School,” along with “LJHS” and a poorly drawn penis underneath.

            This really pissed me off. It showed me where the La Jolla High kids are coming from – a place of hatred. They legitimately hate us, maybe because of the cars we drive or the opportunities we have. But whatever the case, they hate us for foolish reasons, choosing to display their hatred in malicious ways. At games, they don’t cheer on their classmates. They only boo Bishop’s fans. They don’t want to win. They want us to lose, to fail.

            I’m not overreacting. I didn’t have a Catcher in the Rye moment and lose my innocence from seeing the f-word. I’ve seen it before, and I’ve heard the phrase “Fuck Bishop’s” before too, on numerous occasions. But when you make it tangible, when you vandalize our school’s property, you take it a step too far. You not only show that you have absolutely no class or sportsmanship, but you also show that you’re so adamant about your (unjustified) hatred of Bishop’s that you are willing to risk getting into a bunch of trouble just to make such a stupid and immature statement. Though I’m not sure what you were going for by drawing male genitalia on a bus. 

            La Jolla High loses to us so often that I would have thought they would have learned to do it with class by now. But I guess you can’t teach an old grom new tricks. 

Issue 86 (2013-2014)

Issue 86 (January 21, 2014)

Sidebar

If you think you spotted a typo, factual inaccuracy, misattributed quotation or general piece of nonsensical tomfoolery in this article...

You're probably correct. Our DU fact checker/typo correcter fainted halfway through the final paragraph and has yet to recover. The truthiness however has been judged to be very high so we decided to publish it anyway.

Articles

Santa Ana Is Cereal Weather

By Matt Cappetta (DU Meteorologist, Scientist and Cereal Enthusiast)

If you look at this map of Southern California you can clearly see that there are some blotches of things and some word and letters, which would be alarming to the untrained meteorologist. Many professional testimonies will concur that it is really hot in San Diego right now.

            “It's hot” –Bruce Winchel

            “It's hot” –Parker Nichols (Drake and Josh’ s Dad)

            “It's so hot” – Chet U Betcha

            “Ahhhhh” –Brick Tamland

However, if you look at this graph of cereal (bottom right) you can see that the enjoyment for cereal increases anywhere from 30-40% in Santa Ana conditions.

Santa Ana air masses originate with a high-pressure system in the high desserts east of Southern California. The air is dried drastically by your basic orogrific lift before leaving the Mojave dessert in the upper stratosphere. The humidity therefore decreases greatly as it descends the desert mountainsides before reaching the coast due to dope levels of Doppler radar guns, and increased ph levels up to 17.9 x 10^3 Kilo-Hertz of static friction coefficients and kinetic energy on the Richter Scale. Therefore, clearly, as the air on the coast is up to 30% dryer than your average January day, the density of a single cubic meter of air at sea level can decrease by nearly 99.99%! Due to this drastic decrease in air density, the molecular air pockets and space between the atoms of rice molecules in Rice Krispies becomes far greater. The Krispies themselves are now far lighter and crispier than usual as the cells consist of an isotonic solution making the “Snap Krackle and POP” upwards of 3000% more enjoyable! The poor to moderate cereal selection at milkbreak is now getting into the range of 7 on the scale of one to Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which is “rather remarkable” says science expert Bill Nye. 

Issue 85 (2013-2014)

Issue 85 (January 17, 2014)

Sidebar

Apologies

The DU editors would like to apologize to:

1)      The staff members. While they may sometimes be a little irregular in their article writing, they most certainly do not suck. Rather, they are all beatiful radiant shining beings of light and truth.

2)      Randee Holman-Kelley. The personal attack on you was uncalled for. Best of luck to you and your team.

3)      The Tower. The Tower is an outstanding publication that requires a massive amount of commitment from its staff, especially its wonderful editors-in-chief. The Tower is the swiggity to the DU’s swag, and we love it.

More Soccer!

The Lady Knights had a crushing 4-0 win against Escondido charter last night, and would like to thank everyone for coming out and keeping it classy. Classy as in not trash talking. Classy as in exclusively cheering for Bishop’s in a positive fashion. 

Lyrics Quiz

Think it’s time to put myself away

Seek out a little silence

Close the doors and sit awhile

And walk a little

Oscar Nominations!

Came out yesterday. Notably snubbed were Robert Redford, who turned in a stunning performance as the only cast member of All is Lost, and Emma Thompson, who did a great job of playing a prudish author while secretly being hilarious (see: her stint as a Golden Globes presenter.) Fun fact: perhaps because he has never been a movie, Colin has not received even one Oscar nomination. Drat! He really thought this was his year.

Articles

The Academy Awards as if Chosen by Far More Pretentious People

By: Matthew Kerr (Simply DUlightful) (Sorry about that)

Best Picture- Whale Bones

A compelling recreation of the true story of the brutal whale uprisings of 1940,“Whale Bones” brings technology to a whole new level by incorporating beautiful cinematography and millions of CGI whales (special effects alone took over 10 years). Featuring an impeccable 25-minute opening shot of a savage whale skirmish, “Whale Bones” dares to take risks, and by doing so, emerges as a nearly perfect masterpiece that reveals the harsh nature of war among whales. However, you might not have seen this film, as it only opened in four theaters nationwide.

Best Actor- Jean Van Wênderpleaux- “Embrassez-moi et de Ne Jamais M'appeler à Nouveau” (Kiss me and Then Never Call Me Again)

Jean Van Wênderpleaux delivers an extraordinary performance

as fictitious mute actor “Robert Hero,” who rose and fell from Hollywood stardom in the 1940s and eventually died of alcohol poisoning. One scene features him missing his own daughter’s piano recital due to his vicious alcoholic behavior. Incredible storytelling. Hero’s tale is one of grace and inspiration, and Wênderpleaux captures his vulnerability with absolute perfection.

Best Actress- Cynthia Causerhaus- Diaries of Satan

Cynthia Causerhaus stuns as real life serial killer Aidaleen Bucowski, who struggled with anxiety and attitude, in the acclaimed film “Diaries of Satan.” While Cynthia delivered a fantastic performance with her constant shaking and scary eyes, what really stood out was her lengthy transformation to become the character. To prepare for the role, Causerhaus gained 120 pounds, following a diet of mainly play-dough and mayonnaise, and also smashed her face with a hammer 17 times to achieve Aidaleen’s grisly appearance. Rarely does an actress show this much dedication. Brava.

Best Director- Melvin Chesters- In The Mob

Heading back to the big screen after a 55 year hiatus, legendary filmmaker Melvin Chesters brings forth a new epic masterpiece “In the Mob.” The film basically chronicles a young man’s journey through the mob, starting at his age 14 and ending at age 81. Clocking in at 3 hours and 51 minutes, “In The Mob” proves to be a gratuitously violent and sexual piece, one that no director besides Melvin Chesters could accomplish.

Best Original Screenplay- Judy Babs- Quirks of You

Judy Babs delivers the expertly written dramedy film “Quirks of You,” which revolves around useless 20-something Lindsay returning to her home town in order to “find herself.” While home, Lindsay forms a relationship with her former high school sweetheart and also comes to terms with her own self-worth and being. Winner of Sundance Film Festival, “Quirks of You” mixes witty, expert dialogue and dramatic heartfelt moments to form a sensational and offbeat film. The film is also accompanied by a fantastic soundtrack featuring the songs of indie bands such as “Noodle People,” “Tall Boy and Hawaiian Girl,” and “Sácre Blood.”

Issue 83 (2013-2014)

Issue 83 (January 15, 2014)

Sidebar

REFLECTIONS!!!

Submit to Reflections, at reflectionslitmagazine@gmail.com (Come on, it’s not like it’d kill you).

Golden Globes

Matthew McConaughey won a Golden Globe. In related news, the Chicago Cubs have won the World Series, the Detroit Lions have won the Super Bowl, Northern and Southern California have become separate states, Israel and Palestine have finally settled their differences, and Leonardo DiCaprio has won a major award.

Meanwhile, in China…

A 28-year-old woman in Chengdu, China has put up billboards of herself in hopes of finding a husband. I don’t know whether that’s funny or really, really sad. I guess I’ll choose funny.

Joke of the Day

By: Thomas Higginson

I dig

You dig

He digs

She digs

We did

Lyrics Quiz The Other Day

Gabe Capetta got the band. It was “Caring Is Creepy” by The Shins.

Lyrics Quiz

It’s a little bit funny,

This feeling inside.

I’m not one of those who can Easily hide.

Articles

WATER POLO!!!

By: Alejandra Gallegos (High Priestess of the Church of TENNIS!!!)

Dearest men’s water polo team,

How do we love thee? Let us count the ways.

1. We love you for your invigorating energy. As a four-year letterman, I can assure you that you will always remain in my memory as some of the biggest supporters of our team. Never have I ever encountered a group of boys—excuse me, MEN—who are as enthusiastic about tennis, and pretty much just about everything, as you all are. Your constant spirit is simply awe-inspiring.

2. We love you for the way you say the word “tennis.” Actually, it’s more like “TENNIS!!!!!” That’s the way that such a sacred word should be said. You approach the name of our game with a genuine reverence, and you use the word often. Even though much time has passed since the end of the tennis season, I still hear the majestic ring of a “TENNIS!!!!!” as it echoes around the walls surrounding the pool. When you guys utter the word “TENNIS!!!!!” it resonates with the whole population.

3. We love you for the intimidation factor you bring to our matches. Whether you’re aware of it or not, when you all line up on the pool deck to watch us take down our victims, it really helps to have such a solid lineup of chiseled, sturdy, strapping men in their Speedos as backup. Emily Olson recently revealed to me that one of our enemies—a Lady Lancer, no less—was caught saying that she feels “so intimidated” when she comes to play on our courts because we “have boys in Speedos that always watch our games.” <3.

4. Speaking of strapping, well-bodied men, we love you for your physique. Enough said.

5. We love you for your sacrifices. None of us will ever forget the banana that you so generously bestowed upon our home court, which truly inspired us to work hard and play hard, to make you guys proud. Not only did you sacrifice objects, you sacrificed your well-being. When father TENNIS stormed the pool deck, unappreciative of your generous gift, you remained faithful to us. 

6. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we love you for your loyalty and support. Sure, I guess one could say that it’s easy for you guys to support us because we play our sports right next to each other, but the fact of the matter is this: you guys have developed a true appreciation for our sport, and have always stepped up to pump us up and cheer us on. Your support really helped us through some tough matches this season. In fact, it’s likely that you guys were partially responsible for our wild success this season. So, on behalf of the tennis team, I want to extend a huge thank you for your support, encouragement, and overall fabulosity.

                We will love you 5ever,

                                Bishop’s Women’s Tennis

Issue 82 (2013-2014)

Issue 82 (January 14, 2014)

Sidebar

END OF YEAR COUNTDOWN

251 days until 2015.

END OF SCHOOL YEAR COUNTDOWN

Who knows how many days to graduation. Not enough. Strange to hear myself say that. In the meantime go out and do something you would regret not doing.

SPORTS

Soccer today on the field after school. It'll be a kick...

Come out and support please.

OTHER SPORTS

Other sports are important too, but do anyone of them chant San Miguel before they go and play? Men's Soccer does. You should go and watch it happen. Experience the culture and tradition. Write about the event for your AP Lang class. Live a little.

Nessa's Article

Is pretty much obsolete. Rumor has it that she actually found her phone. Clearly it was because of her article telling people to watch out for it which wasn't published until after the phone was found. It makes more sense the less you think about it.

Subreddit Suggestion of the Day

r/mildlyinteresting

Daily Advice

If something seems too fantastical to be true, like it could be out of a bad soap opera, be skeptical.

Cold War History Quiz

These two brothers held the offices of Secretary of State and Director of the CIA at the same time and led America's interventionist and morally questionable foreign policies which involved assassination and the toppling of democratic regimes.

Articles

Tennis!?

By Thomas Higginson (DU TENNIS supporter)

Tennis \ˈte-nəs!\ noun [origin unknown]: a game that is played by two people or two pairs of people on a special court (called a tennis court) where they hit a small ball back and forth over a net using rackets.

One does not simply describe tennis. The Websters dictionary attempts to, however it indisputably fails (by every water polo player’s standards) to capture the ethos that is TENNIS. Not tennis. But TENNIS. Similar, but not really. Foolish? Is it? Anyone can answer that question.

The men’s water polo team is unique, there is no other team on campus that can compare to it. Spontaneity with an inherent sense of creativity is Bishop’s Men’s Water Polo. Then came TENNIS. Not tennis, TENNIS! More specifically, Women’s TENNIS! I expect that at this point in the article you are confused, less you are a woman TENNIS athlete or male water polo athlete, and I’m glad you are. Really, I am. Because it should be shared. It’s TENNIS and you’re experiencing a side effect: confusion with an overtone of interest. Anyways, TENNIS somehow energized the water polo team to new heights of motivation and creativity. It became religious for us. It brought us something: [insert some cliche here]. It intoxicated us. Almost literally.

The origins of TENNIS are mysterious and only rumor, which floats around and eventually flies into an ear, exists. This article was written not as an endeavor to systematically track down the origin of TENNIS, but as an acknowledgment from the water polo team.

See, the water polo team would(and still) yell TENNIS as loud as we could whenever we saw any TENNIS activities taking place near our team room. Whenever we saw a TENNIS player walk by, TENNIS!!! We even went as far as to sacrifice certain items to their courts. They were gifts. We thought you were malnourished. You, TENNIS, provided our team with much needed intensity during a rough season. Without TENNIS, water polo would have been slightly less exciting (well more like boring). We turned TENNIS into our religious noun, verb, adjective, adverb, pronoun, etc..

Every Time we got out of the pool, tired, stressed or nervous, you’ve been there like some type of demi god. We’ve yelled your wondrous name with the might of a thousand warriors from the team room, quad, and once during announcements. TENNIS became a water polo mantra. Our stress ball. Our medication. We truly appreciated that. JK. But, in honesty we did. Even after all our sacrifices, you remained (not like you had a choice). Even your coach (father TENNIS) who once stormed the pool deck in pure frustration, remained despite our hilarious and intense actions.

Thank you TENNIS for never over reacting and just letting it be. Namaste. Thank you, you deserve it. TENNIS!!!

Sincerely,

Bishop’s Men’s Water Polo

P.S. Grats on the good season

P.S.S. TENNIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S.S.S. We know it’s late, but be thankful anyways

I Lost my Phone

By Nessa Garcia (Insert DU label here)

Last night, I was planning on doing a creative writing piece for an article. It was going to revisit my Bishop’s admission process and get far too sentimental about being a junior at Bishop’s, but then life happened. Life happened, and there was no time for creative writing pieces. In other words, I lost my phone.

At around 5:14 pm, after the dreadful realization that I hadn’t seen my phone in a good while, I frantically patted myself for my phone, which, in retrospect, was dumb because I didn’t (don’t) have pockets on my skirt. Anyway, after retracing my steps and getting suspicious looks from a security guard who had seen me pass the same place at least five times at that point, I whimpered with anxiety.

Then, I ran into the marvelous Matt Kerr, and I explained my trouble. Like a hero, he whipped out his Find my iPhone app and suggested I try. For the next ten minutes, we would hopelessly scourge the place where the app said my phone was, which was either in the middle of Cuvier street or hopefully, in a much safer place. Walking back to Cummins, Matt expressed his condolences.

“I’m really sorry Nessa, maybe if—“

“OH MY GOD IS THAT IT.”

                Sprinting full speed towards a white, rectangular object peeking out from a few grass strands on the quad, we arrived at the object, which turned out to be a piece of plastic. Cursing and kicking this immoral piece of plastic, we sighed once more.

                “Don’t worry Matt, I’ll find it.”

                Unable to waste my time watching mediocre Vines that cheaply capitalize on stereotypes, and more importantly, soon to face the wrath of my parents, I beg of my readers (if a group so exists) to keep an eye out for an iPhone 5 that has a blue and white floral case. If you press the home button, my wallpaper should be a breathtaking photograph of a glacier, and if you unlock my phone, my background should be a doge meme with a really long neck. Thank you.

Issue 81 (2013-2014)

Isssue 81 (January 13, 2014)

Sidebar

Golden Globes

People who won Golden Globes last night (SPOILERS!!!):

MOVIES

Actor in a Drama: Matthew McConaughey

Actress in a Drama: Cate Blanchett

Actor in a Comedy: Leonardo DiCaprio

Actress in a Comedy: Amy Adams

Supporting Actor in a Comedy: Jared Leto

Supporting Actress in a Comedy: Jennifer Lawrence

TV

Actor in a Drama: Bryan Cranston

Actress in a Drama: Robin Wright

Actor in a Comedy: Andy Samberg

Actress in a Comedy: Amy Poehler

Actor, Miniseries or TV Film: Michael Douglas

Actress, Miniseries or TV Film: Elisabeth Moss

Supporting Actor: John Voight

Supporting Actress: Jacqueline Bisset

People who started their speech with “oh gosh golly I didn’t prepare anything oh no ha ha”:
LITERALLY ALL OF THEM QUICK TIP FRIENDS IF YOU ARE NOMINATED FOR A MAJOR AWARD THAT IS TO BE PRESENTED IN FRONT OF EVERYONE HOW ABOUT YOU PREPARE A SPEECH GREAT THANKS

Articles

Recycling: The Portlandian Perspective

By: Gloriana Xia (Sassmaster General of GCI)            

                Have any of you ever wondered where I got my mad recycling skills? Well, now I’ll tell you the secret to how I can toss a water bottle in the right bin just about every time - from a whopping distance of six inches, no less. It’s because spent the majority of my life up in Portland, which some of you Bishopians might place in the nebulous country of Hippieland, but really, it’s the capital of Oregon. (Salem is just a wannabe.)

                From birth, every Portlandian is indoctrinated in the subtle and mysterious art of recycling - and sometimes composting as well. Even the tiniest newborn can tell the difference between recyclable water bottles and nonrecyclable take-out boxes without even opening their eyes. And from the moment we enter school, we are brought to the city's sacred altar to sacrifice our first recyclable to the Holy Processing Plant as confirmation of our citizenship. (Fun fact: the kid in front of me accidentally chucked her water bottle into a nearby trash can during this ceremony. I don't know what became of her.)

                So how can you achieve such recycling prowess? Well I'm here to tell you how to recycle like you were born in Oregon's REAL capital in a few easy steps:

1.        Make sure the thing is actually recyclable. Examples: plastic and glass bottles, paper/cardboard, drink cans WITHOUT FOOD OR DRINK REMNANTS IN THEM

2.        Don't stress about whether it says "Plastic," "Aluminum," or "The flesh of your enemies" on top of the bin (okay, maybe stress out a little bit if you see the last one)--the law of the land here is NO MORE SORTING. All your recyclables can go in the same bin, the Holy Processing Plant will do all the sorting for you.

3.        Locate an actual recycling bin. Hold the object firmly in your hand as you search so as not to accidentally litter.

4.        Carefully insert said item into the bin.

5.        Let go and send the recyclable on its road to rebirth. You did it! <3

Also, please be advised that the following things are not recyclable:

1.       Smoothie cups and straws

2.       The checkered "boats" that you all use to put your sandwiches in

3.       Kleenex

4.       Macaroni and cheese

5.       Plastic that is not made from plastic numbers 1 or 2

6.       Sixth graders

Note that I have seen all of these things in the recycling bins this year (except for sixth graders, thank God.)

                Since last year I have seen plenty of improvement, but there's still a long way to go. Take these words to heart and help me out here, guys. Not only is recycling good for the environment, seeing trash in the wrong place makes me homesick.

Issue 80 (2013-2014)

Issue 80 (January 10, 2014)

Sidebar

Pretend it’s Friday

Some nerd named Colin J. Garon (the J stands for “Jerk-who-can’t-get-his-life-together,” which is Celtic for “loser”) totally dropped the ball and will be willing to withstand a fair amount of verbal abuse.

The Whip

Welcome to today’s Whipple Hill-themed issue, where Nerds Chris Halter and Ryan Hastings talk all things Whipple Hill!

Sports!

Congratulations to the men’s soccer team for a win and the women’s soccer team for a tie against the menacing, evil, and sinister Goliath that is Francis Parker.

Lyrics Quiz

You tell me that you’re sorry

Didn’t think I’d turn around

And saayyyyyy

IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE

IT’S TOO LAAAATTEEEEE

IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE
IT’S TOO LAAAATTEEEEE

Artsy Fartsy

Make sure to wave goodbye to all your friendly ADub, BSings, PDG, ATP, Orchestra, and Jazz Band members as they embark on the biennial Arts Retreat

COLIN IS REALLY SORRY YOU GUYS OK

Articles

WhippleHill: 5 Months in Review 

By: Chris Halter (Smart as a Whip)

                Happy Birthday Whipplehill!! You’re just about 5 months old and if you were a human child right about now you’d just be starting to crawl and make attempts at basic speech. Luckily, you’re much more advanced than a 5 month old child so let’s look back at the good and the bad from your first 5 months with us at Ye Olde Bish.

The Good:

                I can personally say that Whipplehill has saved my butt more than a few times - I imagine the rest of the community would agree. The website served as an extremely convenient center for checking up on assignments and contacting classmates or teachers. How reliably you were able to contact them varied on whether your teachers and classmates actually used the website and although other means of contact prove to be more reliable I can’t help but see a future where 8th graders discuss who they like through the Whipplehill message system. I only recall one example where the site crashed; so amazingly, it was also fairly reliable. For teachers that posted their gradebooks it was always a nice way to keep track of progress and make adjustments if necessary. Overall, for something so new and exotic, I thought the Whip performed admirably.

The Bad:

                Everybody makes mistakes - Thanks Miley - and while Whipplehill had its fair share of good features, there were also quite a few not so smash hits. First of all, when we first gained access the site was confusing enough, but the mid-semester website update that occurred only made it a more confounding experience. Furthermore, there seem to be many superfluous features that won’t ever get used and only exist to clutter up the webpage - the sports teams section and club section are great examples. However, I don’t think the majority of the dissatisfaction lies in the mechanics but rather in the theory. There was quite a bit of controversy regarding the parental access to the Whip - I made my opinion clear - and whether that stood to benefit the students. Furthermore, I’ve heard complaints that a number of teachers’ refusal to use the Whip only results in confusion and that the limited use of the extensive features offered to teachers makes visiting Whipple a non-necessity. I don’t hold the teachers responsible for their reluctance to participate because in some cases teachers already have websites or have set homework sheets that render the Whip unnecessary. For some students the confusion can result in missed homework assignments and unexpected tests causing the Whip to be more of a burden and less of a helper. The Whip has done some great things so far, but in my opinion it still has a while to go if it wants to become something I check everyday. Congrats on 5 months Whipple, you can accomplish your dreams if you try.   

WhippleHill Lingo

By: Ryan Hastings (Whipplechill)

                The Bishop’s School student depends on Whipplehill every day.  After hearing nicknames for the ‘Hill tossed around, I thought that, because of its major role in the life of a Bishopian, it is only right for Whipplehill to become a greater part of our everyday vocabulary as well.

Whipplechill (adj.) – Cool. “It was totally not whipplechill of Dr. Geoghegan to assign that essay over winter break”

Whippletrill (adj.) – See whipplechill. “That test was whippletrill, yo. So easy.”

Whipplegrill (v.) – To interrogate someone. “I just got whipplegrilled by Beamer for my skirt length.”

Whipplekill (v.) – To destroy or crush utterly. “I’m finna whipplekill some homework tonight.”

Cripplehill (n.) – Jason’s office. “You might want to go to Cripplehill and get that knee checked out.”

Tripplehill (n.) – E-day.  Three ninety-minute classes.  “I hate tripplehill days.”

Whip-slip (n.) – When a teacher fails to properly use Whipplehill.  “Mr. Rankin had a whip-slip during class this week.”

Whipplenill (adj.) – Nonexistent, none. “There’s whipplenill homework tonight! Yay!”

Ticklehill (n.) – The Cummins back staircase.  “Hey. Wanna go to ticklehill with me?”

Issue 79 (2013-2014)

Issue 79 (January 9, 2014)

Sidebar

Sidebar Jokes

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It got tense.

Why can’t the bicycle stand up straight?

Because it’s two tired.

-Courtesy of Professional Nerd Thomas Higginson

Sports

Gameday! Girls wopo at 3 at Grom Central. Get out there because it’s a big game, as we are fighting for best team in San Diego, who runs LJ, and whose boys are hotter. After you turn up at the communist empire, hurry back to the bish to watch Varsity San Miguel take on Francis Parker, meg some nerds, and try to figure out what a lancer is. And, if you are up to it, roll on over to Parker afterwards to watch the girls play because Bishop’s runs Randee. Also, don’t forget the first big basketball home game on Friday night. Turn up to see Dempsey go hard in the paint and Lizanich dropping buckets like a kid at the beach making a sand castle.

Lyrics

I’ve seen your frown

And it’s like looking down the barrel of a gun

And it goes off

Articles

Matthew Kerr’s Guide to Parenting Young Children: Volume I

Hello, friends!

 *winks* *smiles with white teeth* *girl in audience faints*

Despite being a baby myself, I do have many opinions about modern parenting, and have decided that some of my cynical insight could be necessary to make your child either a serious mess or a delightful angel. If you haven’t heard my advice, chances are your child is terrible. Read on. Here are some tips on how to be a successful parent.

1. MAKE THEM EAT

Children that refuse to eat are literally the worst. Your parents did not work those long days just so you could disgustedly stare at a beautiful meal in front of you and demand an unhealthy bowl of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Do NOT bribe them (Ex: “You can have 10 cookies and my Lexus if you take a bite of chicken”) just so they eat. If your child does not want to eat, simply remind them that THEY WILL DIE without food. Literally, if they don’t eat, they will STARVE, and eventually, they will stop being stupid and realize that. You cannot let them take over you. It may be exhausting but it is NECESSARY. Be assertive, especially for younglings.

2. DO NOT LET THEM PUSH YOU AROUND

The other day I went to Disneyland and I witnessed a child full-on PUNCH HIS MOTHER IN THE BACK. Of course, she didn’t do anything. She probably just laughed in a delighted manner and thought to herself “Oh, Timmy! Aren’t you the cutest?” WRONG. Timmy is the worst person in the world and he should probably be put on a child leash. While I understand this mother may have been too tired to deal with little Timmy, she should have at least understood that this kind of chaotic disrespect only leads to anarchy within the parent-child relationship. What’s next, Timmy doing cocaine at his 8th birthday party? Probably.

3. ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY IS BAD

Somebody needs to write a 100-page senior thesis in Chicago format on why some 6-year-olds have iPhones. This is an unnecessary yet disappointingly common thing that occurs between parents and children, and from what I’ve witnessed, it only limits real interaction. While that occurs for teens and adults as well (you always see those families texting at the dinner table), phones just generally serve as meaningless entertainment for young children. Let’s be real, most children have $500 cell phones just so they can play Angry Birds in the corner of an adult dinner party. Teach your child to play violin or ski black diamond mountains instead. Also, who does a 6-year-old possibly need to contact, and can they form coherent text messages? The answer is unknown.

Finally, just teach your child to be nice. Children can be truly malicious today in this society that is often built solely on bringing others down. You have all the control in raising your child and it is very devastating to see weak parents raise kids that are spoiled and bratty.      BE STRONG AND SAY NO. CHILDREN WILL WORK TO GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING. THEY ARE NOT AS KIND AS THE KIDS FROM “MARY POPPINS,” AND IN FACT, THEY ARE EVIL. Anyways, that’s my insight to parenting.