Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Issue 106 (2013-2014)

Issue 106 (February 20, 2014)

Sidebar
DU Fundraiser
To finance the DU’s end-of-the-year compilation, The Daily Urinal will be selling t-shirts with the DU logo on them for $15 each. Email us your order at thedailyurinal@gmail.com and we’ll get it to you.

While You’re Emailing Us
Why not submit an article of around 400 words? Think about it; how sick would it be if we published it?

Reflections
Submit all of your more serious/ artsy writing to Reflections at reflectionslitmagazine@gmail.com.

House of Cards
The greatest show in the history of television (that isn’t actually on TV) is back with a vengeance. If you need anymore incentive to watch it, the first episode of Season 2 will blow your f***ing mind.

Frank Underwood Quote of the Day:
“They talk, while I imagine their lightly salted faces frying in a skillet.”

Sochi 2014
If you feel bummed when a Russian athlete medals and an American athlete doesn’t, just think, “well, at least our tap water doesn’t look like apple juice.”

Lyrics Quiz

You can drive all night, looking for the answers in the pouring rain.Wanna find peace of mind, looking for the answers.

Articles

Sochi Olympics: Putin Party 2014 (Part I)
By: Chris Halter (Sports Critic)      

The 22nd Winter Olympics in Russia are winding down and I have prepared a 3rd quarter report card of sorts for these Olympics - Mr. Putin will receive his copy in the mail.


Venue:
A-  
These Olympics took place in the Black Sea city of Sochi and while the weather has been miserable—there is a separate grade for that—I think the venue was gorgeous. No expense was spared in the construction of the competition venues and it shows, they are simply gorgeous with my personal favorite being the ice center. As for the landscape, Sochi has no shortage of breathtaking mountains and they played a definite role in this well-earned A-. Points were lost for the cafeteria and athlete accommodations; to spend 51 billion dollars and have people getting locked in bathrooms and elevators is unacceptable - though I assume Putin punished those responsible accordingly.


Opening Ceremony:
B
Between the communist propaganda and the huge technical error with the Olympic rings—the poor guy who designed that probably woke up in a gulag the next day—I would call the opening ceremony a disappointment. I was expecting the precision seen in the Beijing opening ceremony but obviously my expectations were too high.


Weather:
D-  
The weather has been absolutely awful—and I suspect has also been responsible for American failures in half-pipe and skiing. The snow is slushy and most of the venue isn’t even covered with snow at all. Worst of all, during the day the temperature can reach into the 60’s. Weather was the one thing beyond Putin’s control—and wallet—but the sad reality is that it has really put a damper on the Olympics themselves.  


Look for a final report card documenting team performances and the closing ceremonies. 

Issue 105 (2013-2014)

Issue 105 (February 19, 2014)

Sidebar
SPOILER ALERT
Did I mention that Leo's articles contain spoilers? Because it does. I tried to black out all the big surprises (which of course will only draw your attention to them more), but just don't read this if you haven't watched House of Cards Season 2 and care about this sort of thing

Happy Wednesday
AKA Happy Pajama Day

Less Than 100 Days Left
According to Adi Chang, we have less than one hundred days left of school. For Seniors, that means less than one hundred days before no more Bishop's. So go out and try something new. Explore San Diego if you're going to be leaving it soon. Make some new friends. Talk to some old ones. Be happy. Juniors, keep on working.

Want to See Farther Without LASIK?
There's an app for that. No seriously there's an app that trains users' eyes to see farther. Some have reportedly been able to hone their vision to 20/7.5

Hot Pocket Recall
The company has pulled its product from the shelves because some of the meat contains "diseased and unsound animals." Comedian Jim Gaffigan now has enough material for another hour long stand up special.

Colin's Opinion on the Olympics
"I like the Olympics because I like seeing unshaven Scandinavian men being excited about personal achievements." Well we're happy that you're happy Colin.

Spirit Week
Orange, Power Bowl, Flashback Friday, Airband and Fun Friday



Articles

House of Cards, Take II
By Emperor Leo “Lore” Li VI

SPOILER ALERT. SPOILERS FOR H.O.C. SEASON 2 AHEAD

Perhaps some of you blindly frolicked your President’s Day Weekend away with petty things. Others might have been writing an AP Euro draft. But true Netflix disciples understood that last Friday began the epic binging of the second season of House of Cards, which follows Vice President (previously Majority Whip) Frank Underwood in his quest for supremacy in the hole that is Washington DC.
Now, middle school students turn away now; the amount of swearing, nude women, and symbolism might be too much for you to handle in your still innocent years. Yes, House of Cards continued its previously breathtaking season with the same cruelty, political maneuvering, and Kate Mara sex scenes that filled it last season. It starts just where the last episode ended, with Underwood’s Chief of Staff and bodyguard waiting for him at home. Events then start to move fast as Underwood prepares to become VP, which includes housing arrangements and killing Zoe Barnes by shoving her in front of a train [Information Redacted]
House of Cards quickly kills (metaphorically, but mostly literally) any possible challenges to Frank’s nomination still left from last season, which is a bit cheap and leaves most plots with extremely abrupt endings. (Spoilers started a while ago). It instead brings in new characters like Molly Parker’s Jackie Sharp as the new Whip and new subplots that could never actually happen (an Entitlement bill passed quickly through Congress, along with that Education bill from last season).
The only plot that remained was the billionaire (and main antagonist) Raymond Tusk, who Underwood fights basically the entire season. Once Native American casinos and money laundering comes into play, you basically lose the picture until Underwood takes the Presidency after President Walker resigns. [Information Redacted]
There are mini story arcs that include a master hacker enslaved by the FBI, along with a prostitute who finds the path to Jesus. They’re annoying, mostly because it constantly removes the focus from the main plot, but they mostly exist to support and tie up ends (or leave them hanging) of the many plots before.
Hopefully you’ve finished the season so you can go back to work, but if you haven’t, I’m sorry (not really) for the spoilers, and hope you have time to watch the show. By the way, Underwood’s bodyguard got him cufflinks for his birthday, which show his initials: “F. U.” Basically the entire attitude of the season.



Issue 104 (2013-2014)

Issue 104 (February 18, 2014)

Sidebar
SPIRIT WEEK SIDEBAR
Sponsored by ASBC and Charmin Ultra

SCHEDULE HEYO
TUESDAY: USA DAY!!!! USA themed free dress and exciting Olympics fun during Enrichment!
WEDNESDAY: PAJAMA DAY!!!! Pajama themed free dress, exciting morning surprise, hula hoop competition during lunch!
THURSDAY: POWERBOWL DAY!!!!! (see below information) Odd grades wear black and white, even grades wear orange!
FRIDAY: FLASHBACK FRIDAY/AIRBAND!!!! Flashbacks must be from at least a decade ago, slackers.

PowerBowl Information by Chi Chi Chang
            What’s PowerBowl?
            ASBC has decided to change the name of the traditional girls’ flag football game from “Powder Puff” to “Power Bowl.”
            A “powder puff” is traditionally a soft pad women use to apply make-up. As an adjective, it can also mean “inconsequential; trifling; lightweight: a powder-puff company with little financing and a weak saleseffort.”
              However, I know when most people hear “powderpuff” they just think of our annual girls’ flag football game. 
“So what’s the problem, ASBC? Are you calling me a sexist because I use the word powderpuff?”
              Well, no. But the word “powder puff” is a remnant of a time when women’s sports were a joke.  Before Title IX, before Mia Hamm, the Williams sisters, Brittany Griner, the list goes on and on and on.
Yes, tradition has its place.  But I think we can let go of a name that suggests “soft, careless femininity” and move forward with a name that better reflects the game (Powerbowl, Superbowl, eh?) and acknowledges how far women’s athletics has come.**
**Keeping in mind we still have a long way to go.


 Articles

English Horror Story: Coven
By: Colin Garon (Super Scary)
                The young man seemed to appear out of nowhere. A bystander that night would have heard a loud crack, like a gunshot, and then seen the man, standing erect, his dark hair shimmering in the faint moonlight, where there had been no man before. In fact, such a bystander, were they superstitious enough, might suspect that this sudden appearance might be the work of magic.
                The superstitious bystander, of course, would have been entirely correct.
                The man pushed back his perpetually messy hair. His green eyes flashed with righteous fury and with the supernatural. A lightning shaped scar sizzled across his manly forehead. He was The Boy Who Lived, The Boy Who Thought a Lot of Himself in Book Five and Then Totally Ruined Everything, The Boy Who Was Emotionally Volatile and Generally Very Relatable. His name was Harry Potter, and he was a wizard.
                With a second loud crack, a young woman appeared. She scratched her head, which was covered with bushy brown hair and filled with intellectual capacity, and then followed her comrade. She was The Girl Who Also Lived, The Girl Who Knew a Lot of Things and Wasn’t Afraid to Share Them, The Girl Who Was Also Very Relatable But Often Took a Back Seat to Harry Potter Even Though She Often Wasn’t As Much of a Butt. Her name was Hermione, and she was a witch.
                The two hugged, and then broke apart awkwardly. Had they gone too far? Or not far enough? J.K. Rowling, about 10 years too late, watched excitedly, hoping that the course of history, which she herself had written, would change.
                “Harry, we shouldn’t be doing this,” Hermione murmured.
                “I do whatever I want,” Harry replied, an edge of magic entering his voice.
                “Harry, we’re both married. I’m married to Ron, The Boy Who Additionally Lived, The Boy Who Took a Backseat to You in Every Major Plot, The Boy Who Was Fairly Incompetent but Endearingly So. And you’re married to Ginny, The Girl Who Lived As Well, The Girl Who Seemed Like a Good Match in the Books but Who Was Disappointing in the Films, The Girl Who is Related To Your Best Friend, Whom I Happen to Be Married To.”
                “Gosh golly,” Harry exclaimed, the tip of his wand catching fire. “You’re right, Hermione!”
                “I know I am,” Hermione replied, a familiar know-it-all grin sliding smoothly across her magical witch face. “Pointus Provius!”
                With that, the argument ended. Harry and Hermione remained platonic. J.K. Rowling breathed a disappointed, fangirlish sigh. “Romancius Manufacturus!” she cried desperately. But the charm slid awkwardly from her Mugglish lips. She watched, a single tear sliding down her cheek, as Harry and Hermione shared some witty banter and an intense emotional moment, all built off of a foundation of platonic trust and appreciation. She yowled in distress as Harry and Hermione worked together to capture a wayward villain, and then did nothing more than high-five at the end. She tore out large tufts of hair as Harry and Hermione returned happily to their respective families. “Plottius Reverso!” she cried. “Marriageus Destructo! Accio Power Over Harry’s Romantic Future!” Her cries were in vain. She was powerless, alone, distraught. The camera zoomed in on her face as she let out a final screech of despair. Her characters, her children, whom she had meticulously created with specific futures in mind, couldn’t simply change their very natures at the drop of a hat and drastically alter the plot of her famous saga! Truly, all was lost. Or was it?
TO POSSIBLY BE CONTINUED

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Issue 103 (2013-2014)

Issue 103 (February 13, 2014)

Sidebar
Happy Birthday to the ultimate nerd, Ian Caples!

Macbeth
Tonight and tomorrow night are your last opportunities to see this masterpiece.

Friday the 14th
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and you are bringing your hot date to the Eva May Love Shack for some romantic hoops, buckets, and boards. It’s senior night, and Jake Dempsey is auctioning off a candelight dinner at the game, so you better be there ladies.

Emily
Your article was too long, so I didn’t bother to edit it. Break out the microscopes, nerds.

Thanks Teachers
I really appreciate you assigning everything due on the day before our break. School is so much fun.

Prophecy Foretold
Freshman Tyler Ennis, also known as TENNIS, hit a ridiculous buzzer beater last night to keep Cuse undefeated. And yes, he used a two-handed grip that maximized production and would have made Mr. Davis very proud.

Articles

Get it Together SNL

By: Emily Gao

Sasheer Zamata is the first black woman to appear on Saturday Night Live since 2007. The show has been on air for thirty-nine years and yet Zamata is only the fourth blackwoman cast. Instead of mitigating SNL’s inadequate diversity, Zamata only reminds us of the unbecoming problem SNL has had for years: Diversity. Sadly, SNL contributes to pop culture’s painful under-representation of minorities. Reprehensible behavior, to put kindly.

When Kerry Washington hosted last November, SNL used her monologue to do some self-mockery. She began as the first lady then had to rapidly change to be Oprah and Beyonce, only emphasizing SNL’s problem. The cold open blared: “OKAY. YES! WE KNOW WE DON’T HAVE DIVERSITY ON OUR SHOW. THAT’S WHY WE HAVE OUR BLACK WOMAN HOST PLAYING FORTY DIFFERENT BLACK CELEBRITIES AND SIX NEW WHITE MALES”.

I concede that the influx of white males on their show this year is understandable. Understandable, not
excusable.) SNL must have wanted men this year because many strong members have been leaving. Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers and Andy Samberg have all left in the past two years. SNL’s biggest stars- Will, Jimmy, Tina, Kristen, Amy- all happen to be of European descent so perhaps Michaels’ is merely keeping up a “successful” trend.

To my dismay, Michaels seems to be ignoring the perks of hosting a diverse cast. For one, cast members like

Fred Armisen wouldn’t have to darken their skin- blackface- in order to play African Americans. Armisen is SNL’s idea of checking the Asian box. He and Rob Schneider (who is one-quarter Filipino) are the only performers of Asian descent to have been cast members. That’s led to disjointed sketches such as Armisen playing Obama and Hader playing Chinese President Hu Jintao. Nasim Pedrad (Iranian-American) won’t have to play anymore racially ambiguous characters. Thompson won’t have to dress in drag anymore. The show would be able to showcase various opinions on contentious issues. Besides expanding their repertoire, Lorne would be able to expand his audience too. Researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that cable shows with ethnically diverse casts and writers tended to have higher ratings.

“Let’s cast some different shades then” is the simple solution. But the problem originates earlier than the casting. It stems from the feeder schools of SNL like Second City Network It seems logical that those cast for SNL are also predominantly of the white skin color (18.3% are people of color; 81.7% being white). Yes of course I’d like to take the optimistic vantage here and say that those bearing white skin happen to be funnier. However, I am confident this is not the case.

Even if the current cast is bringing in enough ratings, Michaels’ cannot dismiss diversity. This matter goes beyond ratings. Racial sitcoms and comedies, like Outsourced (REMEMBER GUPTA?), an all Indian cast, was canceled after one season. Ratings didn’t suffice. If American TV watchers seem to not want to watch racially diverse casts, then should we not have them at all? No. Of course not. While ratings are important, they should dictate the overall modus operandi of the show.

SNL’s subliminal message that “minorities aren’t funny” has to be eradicated. With seven million people grabbing the remote to watch every week, “minorities aren’t funny enough” is the last thing SNL should imply.

Each ethnicity living in America has been a part of what this country has become, and that should be reflected in what we watch on TV. Besides race, sexuality should also be fairly aired on the show. Cast in 2012, Kate McKinnon is the first openly lesbian cast member on SNL. Mckinnon commented that being a minority has helped her comedy because "as minorities, we're on the fringe, and there's just something so wonderful about that perspective, something so inspiring". Our media should reflect the“melting pot” ideal by including all people-- not leaving out more than half of America.

A part of me wonders if SNL is playing us. Is the show only appeasing an angry crowd? If we about wanting a Hispanic, or an Indian (Russell Peters? Aziz Ansari?) on the show, will SNL make it happen just to pacify us? It makes me ponder if Sasheer was cast because SNL needed talent or they merely had to do something to keep their audience happy. Of course I want to believe in the former reason, but the latter -however haunting- is a possible one.

Despite these diversity issues, I’m not the kind of person who laments that “its gone downhill” because it is, after all, sketch comedy variety series. Cast members are constantly shifting, leaving and coming. The strength of each episode depends not only on the hosts capability but also on the chemistry between the host and the cast members.

In any case, it’s clear that SNL is going through a midlife crisis.

Indisputably SNL’s edge has waned, and, if the show continues to avoid diversifying its cast and hosts and musical guests, it’ll rapidly lose cultural relevance-- and (God forbid) ratings. This is not a “if it’s not broken, why fix it?” situation. Sure, nothing’s broken, but it sure is outdated.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Issue 102 (2013-2014)

Issue 102 (February 12, 2014)

Sidebar
You Want To Know What Mr. Pierce’s Favorite Function Is?
F o G o F

I Started Writing Poetry
But I felt like a jerk, so I stopped.

Reflections!!!
Just because I can’t write poetry doesn’t mean you can’t! Submit all of your poetic musings to reflectionslitmagazine@gmail.com.

Happy Belated Birthday Alarisse!

Flappy Bird’s
                           defunct
Dong Ngyuen, the Vietnamese creator of the hellish nightmare that is Flappy Bird, has removed it from sale. I am convinced the entire game was just Vietnam’s way of  getting back at America for introducing McDonald’s to Ho Chi Minh City.

Dan Snyder
The Washington Redskins owner, who has, contrary to popular opinion and vehemently, refused to change the racist name of his team may now consider doing so now that he has fired Coach Mike Shana-tan.

Coming Soon
We are going to start fundraising for our end-of-the-year compilation, and we think that you are going to want to buy what we’re selling.

Good Movie-Related Music

“The Moon Song” by Karen O & Vampire Weekend’s Ezra Koenig comes out on iTunes this week. It’s from Her, and it is so chill. Get it.

Articles

Alpha Male of Eternity: Dana Pierce
By: Greg Feiner (Dana’s #1 Fan)

                There is a man, a man whose legend rides on the whispers of integrals, a man who has captured the hearts and minds of the student body like a tap-dancing kitten, a man of majesty, mystery, and (perhaps most of all) sass. That man is math teacher, Dana Pierce, and he has taken Bishop’s by storm.
                Though we all know of his meteoric rise to mass popularity, from the infamous “packet” retreat, to the chants of “DANA DANA DANA!” echoing in the gym after a routine announcement, I wanted to know what makes Mr. Pierce tick. So I prepared some questions so strange that they could be UChicago essay prompts, and sat down with Mr. Pierce for the interview of the century. I encourage you to read the full interview (which will be posted on the blog), as I have limited space, and cannot possibly include everything. It’s beyond funny.
                Dana Pierce was born “on the bayous of Boston (or at least near a salt marsh).” He commented that, “my birth mother could not recall who my father was… This was the late 60’s and uncertainty was common.  Several friends and relatives commented to her that it may have been an immaculate conception (that’s right ‘an’ immaculate conception, because it’s so common)... The religious possibilities intimidated her and eventually became too much (nothing ever came of this of course, but just in case: ‘bless you, my children’), and I was put up for adoption.” However, despite his rough start, he was adopted and stated that “my family provided me with a high fiber diet of love, hugs, and salty snacks, and I have grown into quite a regular guy.”
I don’t think “regular” is quite the right word. If Mr. Pierce, were, as he claims, “regular,” then why is he a math-teacher fashion guru? To the faculty of the Department of Mathematics, take notes: “Sears.  Preferably your shopping is done in the early spring, and your purchases are exclusively sale items from their spectacular fall line. Think Land’s End and corduroy.  I recommended only purchasing clothing twice per decade.
When asked what historical figure he would most like to wipe from existence, Mr. Pierce gave a surprising answer for a math teacher: “Mrs. Science.” However, after he elaborated, I couldn’t agree with him more. “This evil vixen is constantly trying to improve our understanding of the world.  To that I say, ‘Ooh aren’t you fancy.’  You are sucking the marrow of life dry.  Leave me be to make up the truths that I want to be true.  The world will be better for it, or at least we won’t have any understanding of what hit us.  Freedom!”  Honestly, what has science ever done for us?
In the interest of staying current, I posed a few questions about Mr. Davis and tennis. Mr Pierce has only positive things to say about Mr. Davis: “he is great.  I love the way that the last four letters of his name spell a car rental company, plus the first two letters spell ‘add’ incorrectly and backwards.  As a math teacher, how could I fail to appreciate that?” He does have one objection about tennis: “I am against calling individual competition singles as some of those people are actually married or at least in serious relationships.”
Some of Mr. Pierce’s greatest work has come as a master of sass. He has gone so far as to say to a student, “congratulations on the B+!  (This student had an 89.99 average, and due to the B+ grade was not allowed to drive for 8 years.)” He doesn’t prefer either Dana or Mr. Pierce, because, after all, “aren’t they the same person?” I sincerely hope he pursues a career in comedy; his special would get so many ratings that Comedy Central would explode.
Mr. Pierce is a very busy man. He teaches classes, is on the Disciplinary Committee, sponsors the Class of 2014, and still manages to keep us all entertained. Though he likes us, “as the flower likes the rain,” he always looks forward to his weekends. “On the weekends I enjoy bowling, spending time with my family, and lying on the floor moaning and staring vacantly at the ceiling.” That last bit actually sounds oddly similar to what I do in my free time.
Like his spirit animal, tha mythical Gragondoodle (an animal that “has the head and tail of a dragon, the body and wings of an eagle, and the dainty, well-manicured legs and feet of a poodle”), he “lies about fiercely and wisely,” calling the shots and carrying out his mission to destroy the last packet. He has reached “demigod status” among the student body—or at least the senior class—for good reason, and it is for this good reason that he is the Alphamale of Eternity.

Full Dana Pierce Interview

Full Dana Pierce Interview

What is your origin story?

Here is the story as it has been passed down to me:
I was born a bastard child on the bayous of Boston (or at least near a salt marsh).  I was originally bald, pink and wrinkly (I am currently working hard to regain this look).  My birth mother could not recall who my father was:  “He may have been the drummer in this band I saw at Cornstalk (a lesser precursor to the famous rock festival).  I’m just not sure.”  This was the late 60’s and uncertainty was common.  Several friends and relatives commented to her that it may have been an immaculate conception (that’s right “an” immaculate conception, because it’s so common).  “I certainly hope it was clean,” she said.   The religious possibilities intimidated her and eventually became too much (nothing ever came of this of course, but just in case: “Bless you, my children”), and I was put up for adoption.  I found myself installed summarily at an orphanage called the “Home for Little Wanderers.”  There I really found a place to indulge freely in my interests as I was permitted to cry and scream as much as I wanted with no threat of interruption for hugs or food.  Eventually, I tired of all the fun, and I began a serious training regimen with my eye on the prize: escape.  During a period when most babies double their weight, I stayed lean and fit, managing to gain only one pound.  I bided my time, and finally one afternoon I was able to attain, by stealth alone, the “Coveted Papers”.  These were the forms necessary for me to file to adopt a family.  I submitted the papers, and in no time I was able to choose a family that satisfied my needs and expectations.  Within a few short days, I was able to pack up my things (a ragged pacifier and a tanket, which is what I called the unidentifiable cross of a towel and blanket that I stored old bodily fluids in and apparently loved to sleep with) and join my new family.  This family provided me with a high fiber diet of love, hugs and salty snacks, and I have grown into quite a regular guy.

Math teacher fashion. What's in? What's out?
Really anything from Sears.  Preferably your shopping is done in the early spring, and your purchases are exclusively sale items from their spectacular fall line.  Think Land’s End and corduroy.  I recommended only purchasing clothing twice per decade.

Tennis. For or against?
I am for the forehand, and I am against calling individual competition singles as some of those people are actually married or at least in serious relationships.

Proudest achievement that we wouldn't expect. 
Teaching my four year old daughter to speak with a Boston accent.  If you never thought lobsters were cute, you will after you hear her say, “Lobsta!”

Stance on Davis?
He is great.  I love the way that the last four letters of his name spell a car rental company, plus the first two letters spell “add” incorrectly and backwards.  As a math teacher, how could I fail to appreciate that?

If you could obliterate any historical figure, who would it be?
Mrs. Science.  This evil vixen is constantly trying to improve our understanding of the world.  To that I say, “Ooh aren’t you fancy.”  You are sucking the marrow of life dry.  Leave me be to make up the truths that I want to be true.  The world will be better for it, or at least we won’t have any understanding of what hit us.  Freedom!


What novel would you most want to live in?
I would not want to live in any novel.  Even the longest ones, like War and Peace or Battlefield Earth or the last five Harry Potter’s would be cramped.  And all that paper gets moldy over time and I’m allergic.


What is your spirit animal?
My first thought was the arctic fox.  They are wild and snuggly.  Quite the paradox.  But I have to go with the mythical Gragondoodle.  This animal has the head and tail of a dragon, the body and wings and an eagle, and the dainty, well-manicured legs and feet of a poodle.  Of course, it can’t stand up because of its tiny feet, but it lies about fiercely and wisely.  Just try to slip something by this completely made up beast.


Snarkiest thing you've ever said to a student?
Congratulations on the B+!  (This student had an 89.99 average, and due to the B+ grade was not allowed to drive for 8 years.)


Favorite (math) function?  
F o G o F


Do you prefer Dana or Mr. Pierce?
Aren’t they the same person?


Do you actually like us?
As the flower likes the rain.  Well, maybe not if you were falling on my head.  But you nourish my soul and make my days worth living.  My weekdays anyway.  On the weekends I enjoy bowling, spending time with my family, and lying on the floor moaning and staring vacantly at the ceiling.


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Issue 101 (2013-2014)

Issue 101 (February 11, 2014)

Sidebar


GO SEE IT THIS WEEKEND


SPORTS
MEN'S VARSITY SOCCER ON THE FIELD TODAY AFTER SCHOOL. FEATURING NEW SOUTH AFRICAN NATIONAL RECRUIT DAN FORSSMAN.


Other Sports
Ya watch those too


The Dungeon
Has been sending out some hyphy videos. Check them out.


BHARMONY
Fill out your Valentine's Day Survey. You should have gotten an email about it on your Bishop's account. It may be this or a day full of House of Cards.


LYRICS QUIZ
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly aging


SPIRIT WEEK
Next week is Spirit Week! Get ready to get rowdy. You have a four day weekend to prepare yourself physically, mentally and spiritually.


HAPPY TUESDAY
Hey it's slightly better than a Monday

Articles

A Short Story: Road Rage
By Nessa Garcia (Aggressive Driver)
                  La Jolla is a beautiful place and there’s no arguing that. However, its roads are not as pretty. I’m not talking about potholes or things like that, but rather, the drivers that I come across when I drive to or from school. To further clarify, I think there’s something about La Jolla that can transform us all into terrible, impatient drivers—but more on that later.
                  It was a Thursday afternoon last week when I experienced my first true feelings of road rage. I am no stranger to road rage, as my mother has demonstrated it for me ever since I was a little girl (love you, mom), but I am the type of person who hates using her horn and would prefer to just wait it out if someone is being excessively slow. That being said, it would have to be something really provocative and rude to send me into a fit of road rage…can you see where I’m going here?
                  Hypothetically, you are at a red light. You are not using your phone or falling asleep. Then, the light turns green. Before you can even think or breathe, a girl in a stupid red car behind you beeps her horn. Not a quick beep, but a long, emotional beep that startles everyone in a 1-mile radius. You don’t know this girl, but a dark feeling begins to grow inside your soul. A dark, charcoal-black feeling. Despite this emotion, you suck in your breath and keep driving. But then, at the next two lights, the girl does the same exact thing. As you whip your head around, she has her arms up in a questioning manner, her lips mouthing “What the cluck?!”.
                  At this point, you may then slam on your breaks, step out of your car, and approach her stupid red car. You are no longer socially-conscious because you are angry. Very angry.
                  What ended up happening was that she sped off before I reached her, and then I awkwardly scuttled back to my car, the intense feeling fading away faster than it had come. Road rage had truly altered me.
                  After I got back in the car and quietly drove myself home, I realized that La Jolla, a place crowded with people and filled with numerous left turn yields, will always be a hot spot for road rage. While this may not a shocker for you, all I ask is that you don’t see yourself as king/queen of the road. Everyone is always late for something, but don’t lose patience. It won’t always be a little 5”1 teenager storming towards your red car. 

My Car
By Chris Halter (Nostalgic Driver)

Sometime next week, my car’s odometer will eclipse 180,000 miles: That’s like driving around the Earth 7 times or driving to the Moon and a third of the way back. This car has seen me evolve from an infant sitting in a car seat to a teenager sitting in the driver’s seat. In a way it is like a parent to me, a constant figure in my life from the first moment I started forming memories. In a world increasingly defined by a “Out with the old in with new” mentality it isn’t too often I find myself holding onto outdated items; but my car is a completely different story.
                  By current automobile standards my car certainly isn’t the fastest, safest or most fuel efficient - it tops out at about 17 MPG - and by no means does it turn any heads in the Bishop’s garage, but what it does have is a soul. Anybody who drives will know what I’m talking about when referring to “the character” of my car. If my car were a person it would be a grandfather; an older man that’s seen the world and its realities and is quick to dispense advice but is ready to comfort you whenever you’re ready - complete with heated seats. I love my car because I’ve laughed in it, I’ve cried in it, screamed at other drivers in it, I’ve contemplated my life in it and it has really become a part of me.
Soon enough I’ll be headed to college and I know it may seem ridiculous but one of the things I’ll miss most is waking up each morning and driving to school in my car; it’s a time that is unique because those moments alone in the car are yours alone. Maybe college is 6 months away for you or 4 years away, but regardless of when you’ll be leaving home I urge you take notice of the things that have been a part of your life, and be thankful for them.