Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Issue 49 (2013-2014)

Issue 49 (November 5, 2013)

Sidebar
Happy Tuesday!
But not Tuesday Snoozeday. This is Tuesday Workhardandachievetoyourfullestpotentialday.

BENEFIT CONCERT
The Bishop’s Singers Benefit Concert is on Saturday at 7 pm. Be there or be a LOSER.

Lyrics Quiz 1
Dekekeke koriare
Dekekeke koriare
Jaramatum koriare
Jaramatum
Patcho parare a djosire
Iuenere KAPORRA djosire

Happy French Week!
On the first day of French week, my French club gave to meeee…

On This Day in History…
Fred Lawrence Whipple, famous astronomer, was born. That’s a true fact. And look! Whipple! It’s funny because we have WhippleHill. Ha ha!

Speaking of Birthdays…
Today is Kevin Jonas’s birthday. The Jonas Brothers just broke up, despite the fact that they are all blood relatives. Kevin Jonas was arguably the least cool of the Jonas brothers, but we have to like him anyways.

Essay Prompt
In 10 words or less: Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?

CROSS COUNTRY
In Dan’s mega sports sidebar, he failed to give Cross Country any love. I love you, Cross Country. Never leave me.

Snack Food of the Day and also of Every Day
Stacy’s Pita Chips


Articles

Formal Ideas
By: Chris Halter (DU Love Advisor)
                Everybody has that special someone; whether it’s that person who distracts you all the way through your block periods, or that person who you always watch without them knowing, they exist. The time has come for you to make your move. Tis’ the season, and in honor of this week’s senior challenge I have compile a list of the most creative ways to ask that special someone to take a party bus to formal with you. Enjoy!!
1.       Go to their home and stake out in her closet all night. When 3:15 A.M finally rolls around jump out and scream “GO TO FORMAL WITH ME!” Make sure you have friends there to record the event. Do it for the Vine.
2.       If the closet idea crosses too many boundaries for you, an alternative involves breaking into her car and waiting for her in the passenger seat with flowers. It’s sure to knock her socks off. Warning: she may mistake you for a burglar, use extreme caution.
3.       Dress up as the person he would be least likely to go to formal with and ask him in front of the whole school in disguise. Just before he says no and runs out of the gym, take off the mask and show him that he isn’t actually living a nightmare.
4.       Streak across campus with your special someone’s name written on your butt; because nothing says come to formal with me than expulsion, nudity and a trip to the police station.
5.       When she’s driving home, chase her down in a police cruiser yelling “Stop in the name of love!” through the loudspeaker. When she stops, walk up to the car and say “You have the right... to go to formal with me.”

Formal Rejection Ideas
By: Colin Garon (DU Hate Advisor)
                For some, the formal-asking season is a time of joy and of hope. Those in committed relationships wait for their significant other to ask them, preferably in public so that everyone knows how gosh darn happy they are. Those who have an unparalleled sense of hope just know that someone will ask them, some dark and handsome lady or gentleman who will whisk them away to a sweaty, uncomfortable night on the dance floor.
                And then there are those who fear the formal season. They fear being asked by that one person who they just don’t click with, that one person who means well, but just isn’t The One. To that end, here are some rejection ideas.
1.       After they ask you, step in close to them, so that your bodies are almost touching. It is the height of romance. “Don’t speak,” you say, gently placing your finger over their lips. You stare into their eyes for one steamy moment. Then, you slowly yet deliberately insert your finger into their mouth. The romantic moment has suddenly taken an odd and unwelcome turn. They are no longer interested in you. You remove your finger and walk sensually away. They are very confused. What has just happened? They ponder it over the course of several days, coming to the conclusion that you are probably insane. You attend formal alone.
2.        Paint the word “No” all over their car. It’ll be hilarious! Do it or you’re a wuss. Sure, it might destroy their self confidence a little bit, but remember that you’re rejecting them already. Jerk.
3.        After they’ve asked you, RUN. Run, Forrest, run. Do not stop running until you hit the border. It doesn’t matter which border, just find one and then run to it. It’s the only way.
4.       Say yes. Then, a few days later, pretend that you have completely lost your memory and are convinced that you are Oprah. Tell them that as Oprah, it would be inappropriate to attend a dance with a high schooler. To make up for it, tell them to check under their seat. Under their seat is a car. You give them the car. It’s Oprah’s favorite thing. This one requires commitment. Don’t give up.  

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