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The
Daily Urinal
would like to officially and publicly
decline the Tower's proposal to go to Winter Formal together on several
grounds. You asked us at assembly. We even had an announcement on why you shouldn't
do that. Also, Mr. Beamer already asked us.
Congratulations
To everyone who asked someone to formal
yesterday and actually succeeded. Good luck to anyone planning on doing it
today.
Favorite
Formal Proposal So Far
Nick Liao asking Karen Chisholm to the
melody of Careless Whisper while
galloping in a suit as Rory trailed behind him clapping coconut halves
together.
More
Congratulations
To the men's water polo team who won last
night 9-6
Get
Ready
For Hyphy Saturday and support Cross
Country, Volleyball, and Water Polo.
Final
Men's Soccer Tryout
Today on the field after school at 3:15.
Come out because soccer's just a kick.
Notes
on Gender Issues
First, girls don't feel afraid to ask guys
to Formal. Go against the grain. Be hipster. Do your own thing.
Second, I felt like a heteronormative jerk
at points in my article today. I tried to keep it gender neutral, but I hate
misusing "they" as an ambiguous singular pronoun. So untill someone
creates a genderless pronoun better than ze/zir I feel I have to continue as I
am.
Lyrics
Quiz
You got that certain something
Articles
A Formal Suggestion
By Matt Healey (Hopeless Romantic)
Guys, while
you make small talk in uncomfortable ties with your date in between pictures at
the La Jolla Cove, or while you socialize with your date and her parents at a
friend's house before taking a Party Bus to the Cove, or while you sit with
your date at a table on the edge of the dance floor trying to find a way to
suggest getting up and busting a move or at least doing something, you need to
sound intelligent and charming. Looks aren't everything and you'll need to show
your lady you're not just a pretty face in a good-looking suit. To impress your
date, I suggest you philosophically discuss the romantic symbolism of the
tokens of affection omnipresent in modern relationships.
Take the
ring for example. It can be a golden wedding ring or a silver class ring, the
idea is the same. The metal band symbolizes your love for your significant
other. Durable, it withstands the tests of time, just like your affection.
Circular, it never ends, just like your love. Expensive, it holds great value
in your eyes, just like time with your lady. The ring stands for all the
important aspects of a serious, committed relationship.
Now we get
to the part where you can really wax poetic and win your date over. The
corsage. It perfectly represents all the important aspects of the relationship
between you and your Formal date. The corsage is not like the ring, elegant and
eternal. The corsage is a flower, flimsy and ephemeral. At the beginning of the
night, it's very pretty and by next morning's time you've forgotten about it
and thrown it in a trash can next to the stale, smelly remnants of last night's
midnight snack: maybe the guts of a soggy, half eaten In-N-Out burger covered
in a gooey chocolate shake sprinkled with salty bits of French Fries mixed with
some warm Ketchup. Now that's romantic.
A letterman
jacket will at least provide your girlfriend with warmth and comfort whenever
she needs it. The embroidering is like a warning sign to other guys. Hands off,
this girl has a big strong athletic boyfriend and there's no question as to who
she belongs to, he literally labeled her with his name. Possessive and definitely
objectifying, but still romantic to most.
A corsage
will provide your date with nothing. It probably won't even survive the dance.
Once you get moving and the party heats up, the petals will wilt and die. Just
like your date's interest in you, because you just told her that your
relationship is meaningless and you will have both moved on by tomorrow morning.
Maybe just avoid all this next time by not getting a corsage. Then try and
convince your next date you won't buy a corsage because you care about her too much. Good luck and you're welcome.
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