Issue 60 (2013-2014)

Issue 60 (November 20, 2013)

Sidebar

SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS

CIFs are happening all over the place, kids. BISHOPS YOU KNOW FIGHT KNIGHTS FIGHT

Formal Haiku

A flower bouquet,

One shy, tentative question.

“Will you go to--?” “NO.”

Another Haiku

Tense, endless silence.

“Harvey, dear, I am with child.”

Even more silence.

Lyrics Quiz

Walk into the club like

“What up? I got a hit song!”

I’m so pumped, I bought some clothes from the thrift shop.

Second Lyrics Quiz

Making my way downtown
Walking fast

Faces pass

And I’m home bound

DUH DUNDUN DUNDUN DAH

Dah dundun
DUH DUNDUN DUNDUN DAH

Dah dundun

Staring blankly ahead

Just making my way

Just making my way
Through the crowwwwddddd

DUH DUNDUN DUNDUN DAH

Dah dundun
DUH DUNDUN DUNDUN DAH

Dah dundun

DUN DUNDUNDUNDUNDUN
And I need you

DUN DUNDUNDUNDUDNUDN
And I miss you

Please

SUBMIT ARTICLES!!!!! We’ve heard from a lot of freshmen, but almost zero sophomores/juniors. GET ON THAT, KIDLINGS. NOWWWWWWW

#savethelotus

Articles

3 Non-Existent Films That Could Win Oscars: PART 1

By: Matthew Kerr (Thanks the Academy)

It’s that time of year again. The holiday seasons means hot chocolate, mistletoe, and films, of course! Awards season is right around the corner. Here’s a look at three films that have the potential of winning Academy Awards.

1. Appliances

This acclaimed Pixar film takes a look inside the secret life of household appliances. When Gene the [washing] Machine is uninstalled from the home, the gang of appliances must team up to save him. Including classic characters like “Stella,” a sassy stove voiced by Whoopi Goldberg who spouts hilarious lines like her signature phrase, “BUURNNNNN.” There’s also Mitchell, a grumpy dishwasher voiced by Steve Buscemi who initially appears to be the villain, but transforms into a real hero with a heart of gold. Then, of course, the film’s protagonist is Geoffrey, a young, brand new microwave who must find… himself. Watt? Ha ha am I right?

2. Peignez-moi Un Dernier Baiser

This French film, whose title translates into “Paint Me One Last Kiss,” was a big winner at Cannes. It follows Berenice, a precocious eleven-year-old girl, whose arms and legs are tragically severed off in a sculpting accident. Cursed with the inability to walk, Berenice is stuck with nothing but her abusive family and an easel given to her by her great-grandfather. She discovers that she has a true gift for painting, and soon begins to create complex artistic masterpieces, while also struggling to find the true meaning of life. Pretentious filmgoers everywhere have raved and cried about the film, which has a 3 hours and 58 minute runtime.

3. Stalin

This acclaimed biopic stars Daniel Day-Lewis as Communist dictator Joseph Stalin, and is the first film to portray the Soviet leader as “human” and “good deep down.”

“It’s quite a beautiful story,” director Steven Spielberg says of the film. “Joseph Stalin is a misunderstood man whose tale needs to be told through a 200 million dollar budget and some excellent cinematography.”

The films gives audiences inside views of Stalin’s many heartbreaking tales, including a very tragic incident in which the dictator accidentally kills a woman he had fallen in love with. Spielberg continues:

“The film makes you sympathize with the man. He may have killed 20 million people, but that doesn’t exempt him from humanity.” The film will be scored by John Williams, and ends with an extreme wide shot of Stalin walking into the sunset.

Junior Haikus

By: Nessa Garcia (5-7-5)

Everyone knows that junior year is hard. Before I could list the high school levels in order, I was told junior year was hard. In mental preparation for this year, I remember trying to ingrain myself with a positive mindset, using motivational  quotes about hard work and overcoming struggles. However, even those could not last this trying time. To effectively express the nature of junior year, I will now resort to poetry—more specifically, haikus.

My dog leaves the room

Two A.M., I’m still awake

My lamp bothers him

My face kind of hurts

Eyes are suddenly dumbbells

Did I fall asleep?!

But I like PJs

Do I need to brush my hair..

The sun is not up

Where’s a Cuvier spot

How do you parallel park

Crap, two-hour parking

I forgot breakfast

It’s too early for a Twix

I still eat a Twix

What’s for lunch today?

Oh, wait, it doesn’t matter

Must finish homework

She ends class early

Teacher hailed as a hero

The people rejoice

We swarm the library

We plan to be productive

Yet we fall asleep

The cycle repeats

Complaining is necessary

This is junior year.