Issue 121 (2013-2014)

Issue 121 (March 27, 2014)

Sidebar

RIP
Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of our beloved friend, Jason Johnson, who just couldn’t keep up with the addy. May he rest in paradise.
Message from Mr. Davis
Poet Timothy Donnelly, author of The Cloud Corporation and Twenty- Seven Props for a Production of Eine Lebenszeit, will read today in the Manchester Library at 4pm. Lovers of verse and two-handed tennis are welcome. Book signing to follow. Cookies and punch after that.
March Madness
Also known as college decisions. Easily one of the most arbitrary processes, unfortunately for some and fortunately for others. Good luck to all.
2048
Do not ever play this game, under any circumstances. Addiction is unnavoidable. It is the intellectual second coming of Flappy Bird.
Quote of the Day
“You're happy because you're successful. For now. But what is happiness? It's a moment before you need more happiness.”
- Don Draper (Mad Men)
Phil
Phil 

Articles

April 1, 2014 
Dear Matthew Healey,

We here at BetterThanYou University are pleased to inform you that you have been selected for rejection for the freshman class of 2018. (April Fools! Did we getcha? Haha). Fortunately for us, your $100 application fee is non- refundable.
Each year, BTY University receives over 2 billion competitive applications for each available spot in our incoming class, and we here in the rejections admissions office hate having to turn down so many highly qualified individuals. You of course were not one of those highly qualified individuals and we rejected you with great pleasure and ease. Rest assured, though, that we spent ample time reviewing your application. It took Jimmy five minutes to stop laughing at your measly 4.8 GPA. (You should be a little proud though; that is in fact a new record for time spent on any one app)!
Remember that this decision in no way reflects on you as a person, because we in no way judged you as a person. Instead we recited an ancient Celtic incantation and rolled the Magic Dice of Good Decisions. Sadly, you got snake eyes, which of course means rejection.
If you are still interested in BTY University, please understand that the feeling is not mutual. However, we would be more than happy to take another $100 fee from you for a first year transfer application.
Wishing you the best in your future endeavors as an unemployed bum with a long list of crushed dreams,
Fred Umbridge
Associate Dean of Rejections and Financial Gain
P.S. If you would like to help your chances for a future application, our campus could really use a new science center...just saying.

My Friends at the Bishop's Welcome Barbecue
By: Erik Schrunk
1) Mark Matten is doing physics problems in a glass cage labeled "Exhibit A." Some daring student adds a plus sign so that it reads "Exhibit A+." Ms. Roche nods her head in silent approval.
2) As Mr. Goss shows off the enormous library to the crowd, Joseph Oh runs out, hastily- done homework in his hand. "What the--?" he asks.
3) Ms. Roche proudly refers the new students to the senior rec room, a place for our responsible, mature seniors to spend time together. Jake Ramirez is seen chanting "off the table!" while hitting all the pool balls off the pool table, which is covered in milk and milk cartons.
4) Rory French holds the door for an entire crowd of people. He smiles the whole time.
5) Phil Forte wasn't even supposed to be there, but too many people wanted his autograph, so he had to stay.
6) Graham Held stares with disapproval upon the crowd of unnecessarily happy people. 

Issue 120 (2013-2014)

Issue 120 (March 26, 2014)

Sidebar

DU T-Shirts

Everybody order DU shirts! They are $12. We currently have serveral that are ready, and will have more inventory soon. You will receive an email when your shirt is ready.

Beat That Dead Horse!

Never mind the catastrophe currently unfolding in Eastern Europe CNN, the plane is way more important (and interesting too! Even after weeks and weeks!).

BBC

Under the headline “Other Top Stories,” the BBC website has placed the following headlines next to eachother: “N Korea fires mid-range missiles,” and “Gwyneth Paltrow and Chirs Martin to separate.” Is it a silly thing to be mad about? Perhaps. Could they maybe separate the two a little bit? Again, perhaps.

Beijing Air Quality

I’m sure you knew the air quality was bad, but, on the air pollution index, Beijing topped out at a 755 out of a possible 500. That might have been last year, but still.

College Letters

Underclassmen, if you talk to a senior this week, don’t bring up college decisions unless the senior is talking about them. Thanks.

Lyrics Quiz

Afraid to lose control
And caught up in this world
I've wasted time, I've wasted breath
I think I've thought myself to death.

I was born without this fear

Now only this seems clear

Lyrics Quiz Hint

Nobody really knows what genre this song is, and nobody can really agree whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Articles

R.I.P. Fred Phelps

By: Matthew Kerr

Fred Phelps, kind religious man, father of 13, passed away last past week at the mere age of 84. This came as quite a shock to members of Phelps’ community, who believed he would go on to oppress the homosexuals and dead soldiers of America for at least ten more years. Phelps was most commonly known for his influential contribution to the religious world: the founding of the Westboro Baptist Church, a religious organization dedicated to crafty sign-making and a cappella hate speech. Members of the church recall Phelps’ finest moments, citing him as “a free spirit” and a “man of true spontaneity.”

“I remember when Fred once, without any notice, took me to aggressively protest a gay wedding,” says Sally Curtis, age 35. “It was completely out of the blue. But that was Fred, you know? The kind of man who would spring that sort of thing on you. One minute you were baking a cake that reads ‘God hates you’ and the next you were viciously screeching quotes from the Old Testament at a happy gay couple. It was unbelievable fun.”

Various celebrities such as Ellen DeGeneres, Neil Patrick Harris, and Rosie O’Donnell have voiced their devastation, as well as God himself, who spoke to his 234,000 Twitter followers immediately after Phelps’ passing.
“Fred Phelps was an important man, one of my only true worshippers,” said God, age eternal. “He was constantly striving to teach the true message of the Bible: open hatred and biblical inerrancy.” God continued: “I don’t know where all those other groups got the idea of ‘love’ and ‘bliss’ from the Bible. Are you sure we were reading the same book? I thought my three verses regarding homosexuality as a sin would be indicative enough of the Bible’s actual meaning.”

Phelps will not be having a funeral, for the Westboro Baptist Church is currently very busy planning a luncheon with the KKK and the Neo-Nazis of America. Phelps lives on through his 54 grandchildren.

The Grand Budapest Hotel Review

By: Greg Feiner (Master of Quirk)

Wes Anderson is this generation’s Martin Scorsese.

Just kidding. He isn’t this generation’s anybody; he is Wes Anderson. He’s been dishing out his own unique brand of quirk for nearly two decades, alongside Bill Murray, the Wilson brothers (Owen and Luke), and a host of other familiar faces. Almost all of his movies are cult classics, but The Grand Budapest Hotel might be his masterpiece.

First of all, I need to address the cast. Though there are only a few major roles in the movie, there is hardly an actor in any part that you won’t recognize. Here are just a few of the names: Bill Murray (obviously), Jude Law, Edward Norton, Jeff Goldblum, Harvey Keitel (briefly), Willem Dafoe, Adrien Brody, Saoirse Ronan, and Ralph Fiennes.

I’m going to linger on Fiennes for a bit, because he was the heart and soul of this movie. He plays the hotel’s legendary concierge, M. Gustave, a sweet man who’s good at his job and has a passion for both romantic poetry and   older women. Normally known for his more dramatic roles (like Voldemort and Amon Goeth from Schindler’s List), he is hysterically funny, though not at the sake of character depth. It is truly a delight to watch his performance.

Fiennes, and the rest of the cast, benefit from Anderson’s script, which dishes out a platter of the playful dialogue, muted humor, and multi-layered plot we’ve come to expect from him, but with and added bonus: it’s really, really funny. Though Wes Anderson movies are always amusing, this is his first that has been laugh-out-loud hilarious.

There’s something for everyone in this heartfelt adventure-tale: inventive sets and costumes, laughs, irreverence, and, most importantly, a fun, engaging storyline. There is no other way to describe watching The Grand Budapest Hotel other than pure enjoyment.

100/100

Issue 119 (2013-2014)

Issue 119 (March 25, 2014)

Sidebar

SENIOR STYLE

It's fourth quarter which means there are only so many dress uniform days left. If sporting a senior bow tie isn't on your bucket list it should be. Or at least go for the maroon sweater vest. Now is your time to break out of SoCal habits of sloppy dress and bust out some preppy looks considering that's probably what you'll have to do for the next four years.

NON SENIOR FASHION

It's Spring in Southern California! Preppy is for stuck up East Coasters. There's more to life than just looking really really ridiculously good looking, and that's being casual and comfortable while doing it. Buy one of the Dungeon bucket hats. They're available in a wide variety of shades of white and have been spotted on several supermodels including Jake Dempsey and Dan Forssman.

Al+ERnAT1v3  Look5

Maybe preppy doesn't sound like you and casual seems boring. Go for an alternative style with the totally indie DU t-shirt. It's -242% organic hemp, 517.4% bona fide hipster thread and 0% math because you're such a rebel when you're wearing a shirt that says urinal that you clearly don't care about percentages or logic. 189% of proceeds go to a great cause.

IN WORLD NEWS

The Kremlin has responded to US and EU sanctions and travel bans on top officials and oligarchs with their own set of sanctions and travel bans on random US politicians. Senator John McCain has reportedly canceled his Spring Break trip to Moscow with deep sadness and regret. Asked for comment, Russian president Vladimir Putin stated, "Luckily I don't have to fly to the US to take over Crimea..." and "Nana nana boo boo, I'm tougher than you you."

Articles

A Writing Tip: Avoid Clichés Like the Plague

By Emily Gao (DU Reliable Source of Articles)

Listen, I'm going to stop beating around the bush and cut to chase here. You may know names but you sure as hell don’t know each of their stories. Take my word for it: You've got to work hard and play hard. Perhaps even play harder than you work.  If you want to make a difference, you’ve got to aim high, dream big, and take a chance. A life without risk is meaningless. No pain, no gain. No guts, no glory. It might be a small world after all but its’ a small world full of big opportunities. You've got to be tough as nails. Carpe diem. Apply yourself, climb the highest mountain and tell them all to eat my dust! Aim for the stars. More importantly, follow your heart.  

Some say that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, but I say get a grip, get real. Just say no. Take a chill pill. Lighten up. Chill out. Bore down. Mellow out. Cool it. Wake up and smell the coffee, stop and smell the roses. Get with the program. Think big. Visualize success. Go for the gusto. Grab the gold. Shoot for the moon. Put your best foot forward, and don’t just be a chip off an ol’ block. I mean, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Make adversity your friend. Take the good with the bad. Make the best of a bad situation. If you get knocked down, stand back up. When you’re down and out, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Shake it off. Shake a stick. Get back on that horse. Take the bull by the horns. Keep on trucking. Put your money where your mouth is because, remember, only the strong survive. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, the early bird gets the worm. And last but not least, you are a picture that is worth a thousand words.

Bottom line here, what is all comes down to is this:  Don’t stop believing.

--

Be part of the better half of the human race- exterminate clichés.  

Thank you.

Why Do You Hate Us?

By Chris Halter (DU Scientist)

Many of you probably consider cross-country and track fairly safe as far as sports go, but you’d be wrong. Each day that I run through La Jolla I’m at risk of injury or death, not because of cardiac arrest, or tripping a very real threat I must add - but because of the terrorists that enjoy hunting runners.

Most days the violence is only verbal, the occasional comment about my short shorts or about how gay they think we are. Sorry but I wear leopard print shorts because they’re cool and your ignorant exclamations don’t change that. However, every so often, the attacks turn violent. Once an innocent Bishop’s girls cross country runner was viciously mauled by a cat. I’ve heard rumors that Jill Bushman was once hit by a car. Most recently the terrorists went after one of our young padawans; Big Bill Worstell - A.K.A Andres - had a cup of soda thrown at him. Luckily his lightning quick reflexes allowed him to escape the attack physically unscathed but the psychological damage is irreversible.

In closing, I not only ask for your prayers in this fight, but also for a monetary donation that you deem fit. Remember, just 10 cents per-month can help an ostracized runner near you and remember to compliment a runner the next time you see one, because calling his or her shorts gay is a homophobic cliché.

This is a message from your local run happy office

Issue 118 (2013-2014)

Issue 118 (March 24, 2014)

Sidebar

WELCOME BACK!

FOURTH QUARTER!!! LAST QUARTER!!! POSSIBLY BEST QUARTER??? ONLY YOU DECIDE!!!!

GIVE A HEALTHY PAT ON THE BACK TO THE FOLLOWING GROUPS OF PEOPLE:

1) THE BISHOP’S SINGERS: For performing ON THE STAGE OF CARNEGIE HALL and successfully not getting lost in the Big Apple!

2) THE MOCK TRIAL TEAM: For competing in the California State Tournament!

3) THE BISHOP’S GIRLS’ BASKETBALL TEAM: For competing in the California State Tournament for Basketball and also being CIF Champs in the first place

4) THE SENIORS: For embarking on their last quarter at the Bishop’s School and for dealing with stressful college times and being champs

5) EVERYONE ELSE: For having a safe and fun Spring Break and accomplishing various and sundry achievements!

LOOK OUT

For a future DU Bake-Off! Categories will include Cookies, Cakes and Cupcakes, and Other Enjoyable Baked Goods.

DU T-SHIRTS!

Twelve dollars each. Email the DU (thedailyurinal@gmail.com) your name and T-shirt size to order.

DU MAILING LIST!

Free! Email the DU from your preferred email to get the DU electronically delivered every day to said email.

LYRICS QUIZ

Let’s make sure we get the rebound

‘Cause when we get it

Then the crowd will go wild

A second chance, gotta grab it and go

Maybe this time we’ll hit the right notes

(apologies for the excessively cheery sidebar)

Articles

Why I’m Hesitant to “Ban Bossy”

By: Nessa Garcia (DU Feminist and Current Events Specialist)

When the “Ban Bossy” movement launched, my Facebook newsfeed was suddenly clogged with liberal outlets posting the campaign video. Since I delibera(l)tely (sorry) follow these outlets and had started seeing friends also share the video, I decided to watch it and investigate the cause, though I already had an inkling of what it would be about. Feminist instincts, I suppose.

Anyway, the video is pretty short, but it’s chalk full of female leaders listing off synonyms of the word “bossy,” such as “pushy” and “stubborn,” and then their two cents on why we shouldn’t call females these adjectives anymore. By the time Beyoncé majestically ends the video with “I’m not bossy. I’m the boss.,” I was expecting myself to jump to my feet and applaud vigorously, but I didn’t. In fact, I sat there, wondering about the bad taste in my mouth. Truth be told, I didn’t agree with how the campaign presented itself.

Take me, for example, because I’d rather speak from my perspective than falsely represent anyone else’s. Let’s rewind to the 6^th grade, shall we? I am stubborn. Surely, it depends on whom I’m interacting with, but for the most part, I am stubborn. Now, let’s just say I get in an argument with my brother about whose turn it is to play Runescape and I refuse to accept anything he says because, well, I am stubborn. My parents, overhearing us argue, call me out and you know what they tell me? They tell me I am too stubborn.

Because I had never been checked before on that trait, I was suddenly aware of how I was acting.  Honestly, I don’t remember what my brother and I were actually arguing about (though Runescape playing time is definitely a possibility), but I do remember being scolded. While change wasn’t immediate, I soon learned to adopt a more open-minded, granting mentality when having discussions with those who didn’t share my perspective. Yes, I will still stand my ground when I believe in something, but I’m not obstinate, or any other synonym of that troubling quality.

The result? It has made me understand what makes a good leader. It has made me a good leader. If my parents had been banned to tell me when I was being too stubborn, too pushy, or god forbid, too bossy, simply because I happened to be a female, I would probably be unreasonable, inflexible, and disliked. How does this help females achieve equality in any setting?

By all means, I am for the underlying cause of the movement, which is to challenge society’s perception and treatment of women taking charge; this is definitely a valid mission. Yet, the presentation of the movement, which urges people to “ban” certain words—“ban” being a verb that is absolute and unconditional—is not the way to help women succeed. Rather, it will hinder women’s chances of becoming the most successful leaders, for adapting to honest and earnest critique is how individuals become great CEOs, captains, commanders, bosses, directors, and Presidents. If a certain critique is prohibited from being made, even in cases where it is completely justifiable, then those who remain ignorant of themselves are the disadvantaged ones.

Issue 117 (2013-2014)

Issue 117 (March 7, 2014)

Sidebar

SPRING

BREAK

(I USE THIS FONT TO FILL THE SPACE AND !!'s WILL DO THE REST)!!!

Articles

TIME FOR SPRING BREAK

By Matt Healey (DU Leader)

Today is the last day before Spring Break and people have already checked out of school mode and into vacation mode. This appears in many different forms. Some may stop doing their homework. Others may start talking about what vacations they're going on. A DU leader might use 36 point bold font or double spacing to fill up an article because zir staff members have also checked out. To further fill up space that DU leader may write a list instead of a real article. On an unrelated note, here's a list of top Spring Break travel destinations:

1. Muzaffarabad, Pakistan. If the Muzaffarabad part of the name worried you, I'm sure the Pakistan part calmed you down. This city boasts a literacy rate of well over 60% and receives plenty of global attention as it lies in the desirable Kashmir region between India and Pakistan. With a name like Muzaffarabad, you can't help but forget the high murder rate and organized crime.
2. Detroit, Michigan. City slogan: "former murder capital of the United States."
3. San Pedro Sula, Honduras. Two time murder capital of the world and going strong.
4. Sana'a, Yemen. Guaranteed not to be crowded as the political instability and rampant terror attacks have prompted city officials to advise citizens to leave while planes still fly here.
5. Cleveland, Ohio. At least they're not any of these other places.

Issue 116 (2013-2014)

Issue 116 (March 6, 2014)

Sidebar

Why hasn’t Putin Seized Control of Crimea Yet?

There’s no need for Russian.

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose...

He has a stalk of celery in the other nostril and peas in his ears. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." The doctor says, "Well, you're not eating right."

-Joke creds to Tommy Higginson

PDG Concert

Go see the PDG show …within walking distance… today, tomorrow and Saturday. I can’t wait to see them tessellate.

DU T-Shirts

The shirts are $12. Email us your size at thedailyurinal@gmail.com, and we will get your order to you in fourth quarter.

What do you do with epilectic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

-Joke creds to Caroline Thomas

Molly Martinek

Martinek Submissions are due to your English teacher or Mr. Mulgrew today, so if you wanted to submit, but haven’t written anything, it’s too late for you.

Gravity

7 FRICKING OSCARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I get the technical awards, but BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY?!?!?! BEST DIRECTOR?!?!?! GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Intentional Memory Loss

Scientists can now zap unpleasant memories out of existence.

Dedication

We would like to dedicate all of the typos in this issue to MR. Kentt Heartmann. xoxo

Articles

The Best Things to Watch on Netflix Right Now

By: Greg Feiner (Has Stage 5 Senioritis)

                As I’m sure you’re all aware, second semester, while a time for underclassmen to burn the candle at both ends, is a golden time of procrastination for seniors. However, much time seniors spend not doing their homwork is all too often wasted on silly internet videos, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and other senseless timesucks, instead of something more culturally enriching. Like Netflix.

                Here are some titles available for instant streaming on Netflix that might help you plan your last two weekday evenings of the quarter.

• Submarine- This independent British film (something I would, recommend, right?), is about the coming-of-age of a charming Welsh boy named Oliver Tate. It features sharp, witty dialogue and original songs by Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys.
• John Mulaney: New In Town- Watching this stand-up special was one of the funniest hours I’ve ever experienced. A perfect pick-me-up for end-of-the-quarter assesments.
• House of Cards- If you’re not watching this show, you should be. It’s f***ing insane.
• Dexter “Season 8”- Just kidding, don’t watch this.
• In Bruges- Not for the faint of heart, but an enthralling blacker-than-black comedy. Very smart, very funny, kind of messed up, but grade-A cinema.
• Clerks- Kevin Smith’s first and best movie. Really funny, downright ridiculous dialogue. Great way to kill 90 minutes.
• In the Loop- Great British/American political comedy. Razor-sharp dialogue, and biting political satire. Also, features Peter Capaldi, the 12^th Doctor, as a foul-mouthed Scotsman.

What I Wish They Found In Yanukovych’s Estate

By: Chris Halter  (Our Eye on the World)

Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych fled the Ukraine after signing a peace deal with anti-government protesters. Once exiled, the Ukrainian public had the opportunity to explore their ousted leader’s 140 hectare estate, and what they found was astonishing: a golf course, a zoo, hundreds of expensive cars, a pirate ship, and much, much more. As much as I enjoyed reading about the absurdity of his estate I compiled a list of five things I wish they had found.

1. Every season of Dora the Explorer: because what is funnier than a iron fisted leader who is into children’s television.
2. A huge collection of pornography: it was funny when we realized Bin Laden was a porn addict, but a civilized world leader owning a huge collection of pornography... classic.
3. A giant portrait of Vladimir Putin: If there was a huge portrait of good ol’ Vlad—preferably a shirtless one with Bears—it would certainly raise questions about any special trips Putin made to the Ukraine.
4. A library of self-help books: the irony of a corrupt leader trying to better understand his emotions would be too much to bear.
5. A pillow person: You know those pillows shaped like a person in a spooning position, one of those kind of pillows because after all, money can’t buy love.  

Issue 115 (2013-2014)

Issue 115 (March 5, 2014)

Sidebar

SPORTS

First, the debut of phenom Thomas Higginson in his first ever JV Tennis match. Today, after school at 3:30. It will be legendary.

Then, at 7:00, the moment you have all been waiting for. Girls Basketball Semifinals vs LCC. At home in Eva May Square Garden. This is the last home basketball game in the brief wondrous life of the 2014 Dungeon Turn Up Squad, and it’s a good one. The lady ballers are charging straight into a big CIF Finals game Saturday at USD, so come out and join their legendary championship run. This game is a WHITE OUT, so you know what to do. You’re not going to remember that homework you did on a Wednesday night a month from now, but you sure as hell will remember that tight game that you went to that was off the hyphy charts. Stay in school, don’t do drugs, eat your veggies, and go to the Girls Bball game tonight.

Dungeon Spring Line

Get ready for some fresh attire that will shock the fashion world. Coming in soon to a hyph vender near you are some super tight Dungeon Baseball tees and a limited edition order of customized Dungeon Bucket Hats. We have a big shipment coming in over spring break, but contact us now to reserve your spot in line.

PDG

Go to the PDG concert Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. It is an amazing show put on by an amazing group of people, especially the seniors, and you’d be missing out on an awesome experience if you didn’t go.

From the Daily Bulletin

8^th grade girls – If you missed Mindfulness class yesterday during period X, go to make up class today in Mr. Rybak’s room (B-2b) during enrichment.

Lyrics of the Day

You can’t hold hands when they make fists

And I ain’t the first to say this

Articles

Bishop’s Legend: Dr. Hennessey   

By: Emily Gao

                History has the stigma of being a dull subject. Some argue that it’s too outdated. However, Faulkner fanatic Dr. Hennessey counters that whoever believes this “just didn’t have a good history teacher.” I had a grand old time sitting down with Dr. H herself and talking to her about her past, present and future.

After 35 years of teaching, I asked Dr. Hennessey to reflect back on her own high school days.

“Number one, I went to a segregated school. The Warren Arkansas school system didn’t start integrating till after I graduated. I saw the white colored drinking fountains. What’s really weird is that I didn’t really think about it. That’s the way things were.

I was one of the good kids.... it was a small town, so if you did anything, your parents would hear about it, so I studied and read and all. I ended up getting to work in the principal's office. That was a good kid thing. I remember being in there as a junior and watching our tattered textbooks being shipped off to the black schools and thinking, ‘there’s something wrong with this’.”

Any worries about teaching for too long?

“I don’t want to be around when people are saying ‘she’s still here?’ I always said that when one my kids came through I’d retire. But it has already happened! When grandchildren come in, perhaps that’ll be the cue to stop.”

Dr. H’s first job at Bishop’s was teaching ninth graders. Little did she know how stealthy they could be.
“One of the classes I taught was the best class I ever had. Then I had this other class...they were out of control. I had no idea about discipline. I taught in lower Cummins, you know those classrooms? One day, a couple of boys were sneaking out through the brush and leaving class! Finally one of the girls asked, ‘You do know that Bill and Joe are sneaking out of class right?’ One year I tried teaching eighth grade. It was a total disaster. They’re too squirrely!”

I’m a supernatural geek, so I had to ask her what her ideal superpower would be.

“Scary stuff. X-ray Vision! Mind reading! Actually, I wouldn’t want one. I acknowledge the possibilities, but there’s too much responsibility. Would I use it for good or evil? I’ll just pass.”

The best teaching advice she’s ever heard?

“To follow my instincts in the classroom. So I do that. I just have fun doing it, and when I don’t, I’ll quit doing it.”

Issue 114 (2013-2014)

Issue 114 (March 4, 2014)

Sidebar

TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Articles

Things to Know About Pharrell Williams

By: Nessa Garcia

Pharrell Williams finally seems to be getting the recognition he deserves. A spunky 40-year old who really looks 25 (Google him—this is 100% accurate), Pharrell has been dabbling in all parts of today’s music industry. Last summer, he was responsible for and participatory in the top two songs of the season, as he is both a producer and an artist. Yet, Pharrell has even made a reputation for himself in the film industry. At the Oscars, he performed a song that he wrote for Despicable Me 2, and the song was nominated for Most Original Song. But, before I bore you with any more facts that you could easily find yourself, here’s a fangirl list of things that I think you should know about this unique figure in pop culture:

·         His style is legendary. You may think this is an insignificant detail, but Pharrell truly stands out from the rest. Most recently, he has sported a ridiculously-tall, brown Buffalo hat that he has shamelessly worn to both the Grammy’s and the Oscar’s. Already, there is a Twitter account for this hat with 22k followers. And yes, I do mean for the hat.

·         He named his son Rocket Man Williams. For any other celebrity we would have scoffed, but it’s okay because he’s Pharrell Williams.

·         His next upcoming album, entitled G I R L, is dedicated to women…in a good way. To be honest, I haven’t listened to it because it hasn’t dropped yet, but it’s most likely about his appreciation. Disclaimer: I mean all kinds of appreciation towards women. This is a pop album, people. Think Beyoncé feminism. Think Partition (NSFW, though).

·         He started a company called i am OTHER. Essentially, it just celebrates how weird we are, because we are all pretty weird. Seriously.

·         Throughout all of this, he has done random collabs with Louis Vuitton and exhibitionist artists to make pretty and artsy things. Just ‘cause he felt like it.

Well, now you know! Hopefully, with this brief collection of my favorite things about Pharrell you can take more interest in what he does later on, because right now, it’s only upwards for him. Long live Skateboard P.

A Mankey on a Typewriter

By: Austin Quinn

                Probability states that a monkey sitting at a typewriter, pecking away at the keys for an infinite amount of time, will eventually produce all of Shakespeare’s plays. Unlikely, but possible. Now imagine seventy thousand people playing Pokemon Red Version, one button at a time, and you have a real-life equivalent to the infinite monkey theorem. Except all seventy thousand struggle and bicker to control the same typewriter. Welcome to “Twitch Plays Pokemon.”

                This social phenomenon, started by an anonymous Australian programmer, manages to interpret thousands of chat comments per minute from viewers around the world as they watch the game streamed live on Twitch. Viewers type simple commands such as “left,” or “right,” and the player character, acting in real time, will take a step in that direction. With such a massive quantity of chat inputs, the player character spasms about in chaotic, random movement, constantly checking his team and inventory while stumbling into walls and over ledges. Fitting how "Twitch" hosts the stream.
                One would not expect the game to progress very far, as thousands of players must coordinate their actions to achieve simple goals. Cutting down a tree took six hours. Passing the dreaded ledge took twenty-six. Somehow, with sheer determination and relentless perseverance, the character has actually made it to Victory Road. Praise the Helix.

                What makes this social experiment such an enthralling, hilarious event worthy of the devotion and attention of thousands of viewers? Simply put, the community. The unpredictable hivemind – as the players have been deemed – have transcribed their bizarre journey into an epic tale through fan art, gifs, memes. In a way, the stream has become more of a television series than a game.

                Like American Idol or Biggest Loser or similar shows which allow the audience to vote for their favorites, Twitch Plays Pokemon has managed to involve its audience in a critical way. The viewer feels significant, and even the smallest action - pressing A, for example - makes the viewer feel included. They feel like they play a role in the evolving story, as their favorite characters - Bird Jesus, All Terrain Venomoth, the Fonz, Air Jordan, Double A Jay, and of course our Lord and Savior the Helix - progress and defeat new challenges. Like many denizens of the internet, this community adores inside jokes and nonsensical memes. Praise the Helix.

 

Issue 113 (2013-2014)

Issue 113 (March 3, 2014)

Sidebar

Winning!

Bishop’s Mock Trial reclaimed the Country Championship on Saturday, beating out 25 other teams in the tournament. They ran San Diego, and took it to the (no longer) reigning champs Torrey Pines in the finals to bring the gold back to Bishop’s.

Free Dress!?!?!?

Despite the hours of practice the Mock Trial team has put in since September, and the hours of competing they have put in over the past ten days, the team is still not allowed to have free dress on a dress day. Our uniform takes priority over everything.

Winning! Part 2!

Girls Wopo balled up like no other on Saturday, with Hurricane CIF raging overhead. In an instant classic, the ladies squashed La Jolla High in the Battle of Bunker Jill on Whipple Hill. Confirming the biblical prophecies, they ran LJ on water, and completed the 4peat in style. Major props!

Quote of the day

“The Illuminati stole my homework, so yeah. Don’t worry, I’m on it.” – Tommy “tennis” Higginson

Horrible pun of the day

What do you call a dried grape on the ceiling?

Raisin the roof!

Ninety-nine

 Articles

Spongebob CLUB!? Illuminati!?

By: Dr. Esq. Mr. Prof. Sr. Thomas Higginson

 Nearly all of Bishop’s has been covered with signs of the illuminati. I, Thomas “Tennis” Higginson, will not be a bystander of the impending takeover, so I have begun tracking down suspects and making connections. My investigations led me to an interview with president of Spongebob Club, Dan Martin, and its biggest cult follower, Marion “Nancy” Beacham.

 Incredibly, I was given a chance to sit in on the club experience--with the two other attendees. It was intriguing and often left me pondering what it meant to be a mammal, but nonetheless full of comedic value and excitement.

 Not just anyone can form a club of these proportions, so I asked President Martin, “What prompted you to found Spongebob Club?” His response was delayed and well thought out, almost as if the Illuminati were feeding him the response--he said, “One day, when I woke up, I felt a lack of something. A lack of Spongebob,” and, in addition, he agreed when I interjected, “Or lack of this simple, yet elegant humor?” A phrase only the Illuminati would agree upon. This is when my initial suspicions began to assemble.

 Enthralled, that I was onto something, I knew that Martin couldn’t be the only Illuminati spy, so I directed my next question towards Marion: “What makes you such a staunch supporter of Spongebob Club?” She responded instantaneously, as if she read my mind, and answered, “Well, I find a parallel between Spongebob and myself because we’re both kind of psychotic. So, without him, it’s kind of hard to live.” I asked her, then, if she enjoyed the insanity, and she firmly agreed.

 Though I had discovered their secret, they hadn’t yet understood I had. Thus, I continued my interview nonchalantly; trying to not give myself away.

 Yearning to know if there were any rituals to properly enjoying each episode, I asked them to discuss. Marion said that “it’s [their] two-handed tennis. You could call it two-eyed watching.” Dan agreed and added that “it’s also good to think of yourself as Spongebob.”

 Now that it was becoming more personal, I asked them to choose a favorite episode.

 Interestingly, Dan explained that it’s like trying to pick your favorite child (Idk how he knows this) in that you can make a choice, but it would be unfair to the rest, because you love them all.

 Nonetheless, they both agreed that seasons 1-3 should be considered one episode, which is better than seasons 4-9.  

 Eventually, the interview had to come to a close, so we said our goodbyes and wiped our tears. If you too want to have a next level experience, Spongebob Club is every Monday in the ground level library classroom after school. All of you should make it out at least once! Peace.

Issue 112 (2013-2014)

Issue 112 (February 28, 2014)

Sidebar

Coffee In Da House

Coffee House tonight at 5:30 pm in the Middle School meeting room! Can ADub get a heck yeah! We sure hope so! Come to Coffee House.

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT SPORTS THING!

Tomorrow is Girls’ Basketball’s officially unofficial and unofficially official Senior Night AND their CIF Quarter Final against Horizon! It’s at 7:00 and is MANDATORY. The Dungeon will be there with Hawaiian shirts and competitive zeal.

Committed to Something Approaching Almost Excellence

Colin would like everyone to know that he has done three years of Bishop’s Squash and two days of yoga.

Announcement from Dylan DeWaart

Walk for Water this Sunday from 10 am to 4 pm at Tecolote Shores Mission Bay! 3 hours of community service, free food, and free entertainment. Registration is $20 (which will go towards funding water projects in Africa). Have fun while preventing disease, empowering women, and saving the world!

DU T-SHIRTS

Are super cool and for super cool kids only and cost only $12! Profits go towards printing the end-of-year compilation.

Oscars

Are on March 2^nd! Sidebar filled!

Articles

Winter Olympics: Final Report Card       

By: Chris Halter (Team USA)

            The winter Olympics have officially ended and to go along with my article last week here is the report card for the closing ceremony and the 3 countries with the most medals. Let the judgement begin.

Closing Ceremony: A

The closing ceremony was actually quite nice. As per usual the bulk of the ceremony was taken up by more Russian propaganda, but I think we were all surprised by the self-deprecating humor the Russians employed in the ceremony - who knew Putin would be so quick to make light of the mistake in the opening ceremony. The look ahead to the next winter Olympics - taking place in South Korea -  was also quite interesting. The show stopper - and the thing that made this grade possible - was the unbelievable fireworks/ light show that capped the ceremonies; I was really impressed with the closing ceremonies and they left me with a warm feeling in my heart. Thank you Russia.

Athletics: 1st Place, Russia:  A-

Although the Olympics bring out fierce nationalism within me - it can sometimes result in cheering against certain nations... - I have to admit that the Russians had an incredible performance. They excelled in a multitude of events and although one can speculate that Putin threatened to send athletes who didn’t medal to Siberia the Ruskis put on a great show for their home crowd. They lost points though for their embarrassing performance in men’s Ice Hockey and for the supposed shenanigans in the figure skating judging. Unfortunately, I must swallow my patriotism and pride to congratulate the Russian team on a incredible performance.  
Athletics: 2nd Place, United States: B+

I give this B+ with a heavy heart; the Americans were set up to do incredibly well in this winter olympics but there were too many areas of catastrophic failure. Shaun White’s meltdown in the half-pipe was enough by itself to bring this grade down to an B, but luckily American domination in the new freestyle events salvaged a decent grade. Speed skating was another huge disappointment and I would rather not speak about either of our ice hockey teams’ performances. Highlights include women’s skeleton, men’s bobsled, and pretty much every freestyle skiing event. The most depressing thing about this Olympics was how all the commercials featured athletes favored to win medals and hardly any of them did. My advice to team USA, shake it off, the real Olympics are in Rio anyways.

Athletics: 3rd Place, Norway: IDC+

It’s the Norwegians, good for them but I couldn't honestly care less.  

Issue 111 (2013-2014)

Issue 111 (February 27, 2014)

Sidebar

Big Wednesday Recap

Girls Wopo turned up big time yesterday, picking up the Semifinal W against Cathedral. The numbers say that they will run LJ on Saturday at 5pm in a huge matchup against crosstown rivals Grom Central La Jolla High, as our girls look to once again be CIF Champions and complete the legendary 4peat. Don’t let CIF’s ridiculous $7 + entrance fees phase you. At least they’re better than College Board.

The Guys Bball season came to a close last night, marking the end of one of the more legendary eras in recorded Eva May history. Big shout out to Matt Lizanich and Jake Dempsey for doing it big for the Knights day in and day out for the past four years. We’ll miss our weekly dose of buckets.

Ladies Bball is still alive and well. Friday night is their official unofficial senior night, and it’s shaping up to be one of the hyphiest games of the year, rivaling even the Dungeon Costume Party. Friday will be known by us Bishopians, and later by epic historians, as Aloha Friday, the day that Hawaii hit La Jolla in full style. You can go tourist or you can go native, but make sure that I don’t see any yoga pants. Eva May better look like the set of Lilo and Stitch 2. Make her proud.

PS Coffee House is on Friday at 5:30, and is in no way a legitimate excuse for not attending Friday’s basketball game. Do some spoken word, and then get hyphy all you artsy people.

Articles

Oscar Predictions

By: Matthew Kerr

Best Actor in a Leading Role:

Who should win: Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club

Who will win: Adam Sandler, Grown Ups 2

McConaughey demonstrated unnerving frailty and emotional complexity in his stunning transformation into the AIDS-diagnosed Ron Woodroof. However, the Academy has always possessed a major, unfair bias for fart jokes and humor regarding deer urine. Adam Sandler “portrays the ultimate depth in realism of humanity with nuance, grace, and subtlety”- Rolling Stone. He has this one in the bag.

Best Actress in a Leading Role:

Who should win: Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine

Who will win: Avril Lavigne, the music video for her song “Girlfriend” that came out in 2007

While Cate Blanchett delivered a layered, powerhouse performance as the anxiety-stricken Jasmine, Avril Lavigne has proved herself to be the most relevant celebrity of our generation. Everywhere you go: “Did you hear about what Avril Lavigne did?” In the music video for “Girlfriend,” said to be the greatest song of all time, she “channels legendary actresses such as Bette Davis and Audrey Hepburn, and proves to be better than both of them combined.”-Vanity Fair

Best Director:

Who should win: Alfonso Cuáron, Gravity

Who will win: Everybody involved on the show “Pretty Little Liars”

Alfonso Cuáron brought new and inventive technology to the production of Gravity, presenting audiences a visually spectacular thrill ride with heart. But the people involved on ABC Family’s Pretty Little Liars deliver nothing short of masterful suspense week after week. “It has been like four years and we still don’t know who the f*** ‘A’ is,” says acclaimed actor Daniel Day Lewis. “That’s awesome.”

Best Original Screenplay:

Who should win: Spike Jonze, Her

Who will win: Kim Kardashian, Every Tweet on Her Account @KimKardashian

Spike Jonzes’ screenplay for Her was a wonderfully written piece that took an fresh, in-depth look at modern love. However, it is obvious here that the masterful Kim Kardashian proves to be the more advanced writer in her tweets, which often regard clothing, frozen yogurt and how hard it is to get out of bed sometimes. In the twitterverse, Kim presents relatable and fascinating poetry day after day. It is clear who the Academy will pick to win that golden statue on March 1st.

Best Picture:

What should win: 12 Years a Slave

What will win: The 1998 shot-for-shot remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Psycho’

12 Years a Slave was considered a masterpiece that focused on themes such as endurance, suffering, and loss with such power and grit. Unfortunately, it won’t win though, because the Academy hates incredibly-acted period dramas. This time, the Vince Vaughn starred remake of Psycho that came out sixteen years ago has stunned audiences, and will therefore win the gold. “It’s literally the exact same thing as the unforgettable 1960 horror film Psycho,” says Entertainment Weekly. “Why wouldn’t we want more of that, in color, with B-level actors?”

This race is shaping up to be a tight one. Tune in March 1st to see who will really take home the top prizes.