Sidebar
SCHOOL!
YAY!
Welcome
New Students!
Have a great first day! Walk on the quad
anytime you like and don’t stand in line at lunch. Remember that uniform rules
are meant to be broken. Also, don’t be worried if you need a Latin translator
for Ms. Roche’s speech.
Breaking
News
Girl #257 came forward earlier today,
claiming that Bob Filner looked at her funny.
SPORTS
Good luck to all the fall sports teams
that have started practice. Oh, and the same to Cross Country.
Senior
Bench
Get used to it. We also have to.
The
Renovations are Coming!
William Ortiz says, “Enjoy the cafeteria
while you can.”
Enjoy?
Late Start
Also known as offensively early start to
us summer people.
Flag
Quiz
Just kidding. This is America. We don’t
take kindly to them other countries.
Lyrics
Quiz
#1: Just because a record has a groove
don’t make it in the groove.
#2: Let me see what Spring is like on
Jupiter and Mars.
Articles
Looking
Ahead
Dan Forssman (Frequent Urinal User)
Welcome back everyone! I hope your summers were free
of any regretz, like mine was. The shredder I am, I went through so many
beaches that I can’t even remember half of their names. I ate an overwhelming
amount of California burritos, learned how to lie from writing college essays,
watched Robin Thicke’s unedited music video for “Blurred Lines” many times, and
took twerking lessons from my girl Miley Cyrus. I could go on, but I would
rather look ahead to the future. I’m excited to be your DU Main Man this year,
to bring you enjoyment, anger, rage, laughs, and much more. However, it would
be remiss of me to not mention some of our super average staff. I have some
yearly predictions for them:
Chris Halter’s dreams come
true on March 14. He also quits Cross Country so that he can play a sport.
Nessa Garcia, A Priori groupie,
makes Malcolm Gladwell proud with a perfect score on the SAT after 10,000 hours
of practice tests and Summa training.
Matt Kerr joins the basketball
team, but is cut because he can’t shoot threes.
Colin Garon mistakenly makes a
pun. Can’t bear the face in the mirror.
James Maysent, ginger,
delivers for the DU once, but is fired because
he burns all the papers.
Alex Krstic doesn’t yell
across the terrace or dance for an entire day.
Ryan Hastings changes his
profile picture, and isn’t carrying a lax stick in it.
Matt Healey starts the Hipster
Club at school, but closes it shortly after because too many people join and it
isn’t cool anymore. Also, nobody everybody reads his article on the
first day of school. (He later edits
Dan’s article without him noticing… shhh)
Emily Gao makes a good joke.
Lol jk.
The rest of the staff quits
because I force them to deliver five days a week.
Have a good year everyone! Don’t study too hard,
don’t do drugs, and leave the whining about renovations to me. Stay classy,
Bishop’s.
How to Avoid Controversy
Matt Healey
(DU Loser)
For all you Bishop’s newcomers, you should know that The Daily Urinal tries very hard to be a respected, reliable, and responsible source of news for the greater La Jolla community. Unfortunately, we often fail and resort to gossip, rumors, lies, slander, shenanigans, general tomfoolery and, worst of all, puns. For example, instead of writing real articles full of research and critical thinking, our lazy editors make lists. Speaking of which, here’s my article, a list of ways to avoid controversy when you are writing for the DU:
1.
Don’t be Dan Forssman aka Man Forssdan aka the Danimal aka Big D
2.
Don’t write about deep philosophical topics such as sexism, racism, and Cross
Country.
3.
Just stick to lists.
4.
Don’t say Ellen Wang’s name more than three times because she will appear with
a sledgehammer and use it to br…
5.
Seriously, try not to be Dan Forssman.
6.
Don’t use the z word.
7.
Keep in mind that women are always right.
Finally, remember that with great power comes
great responsibility. With the little bit of power you’re given with the DU,
comes a little bit of responsibility.
No comments:
Post a Comment