Issue 28 (2013-2014)

Issue 29 (October 3, 2013)

Sidebar

Blessing of the Animals!

Bring your slobbery gross pet creatures to school today so they can be blessed/exorcised/exercised!

ARTS!!!

You Can’t Take It With You, starring the DU’s very own Greg Feiner as a good-natured grandfather, will be showing at Bishop’s on October 10^th through October 12^th.

SPORTS!!!

Tennis is happening! Check out the tennis courts at 3:15 for a game that is happening against our nemesis, La Jolla Country Day. Doubles partners and team captains Alejandra Gallegos and Emily Olson mean business. They mean mean business. Attend the match or face their double wrath.

DOUBLE SPORTS!!!

Field hockey is happening too! It’s on the field at 3:30 against San Marcos. FIGHT KNIGHTS FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT DON’T GET CARRIED AWAY

Today’s Lyrics Quiz

I’ll tell you what I want
What I really really want
So tell me what you want
What you really really want

I wanna
I wanna

I wanna
I wanna
I really really really wanna
Zig a zag ah

Common Application Now Online

Matt Kerr’s Common Application for Facebook Friendship is now online. This year’s essay prompt:

In 650 words or less, explain why exactly Matthew does not need you to comment about how much he’s grown on his most recent selfie.

Articles

Unnecessary Remarks

By: Matt Kerr (DU Social Media Expert)

                            Dear aunts, uncles, second cousins, family friends, estranged relatives, father’s coworkers, basically any adult:

                            You have to understand that there are rules regarding what you can and cannot do on social media. While those rules may not be clear to people of your age or technologicical inferiority, they still exist and you need to learn to respect that, especially if I have gone out of my way to accept you as a Facebook friend. I know there is an ultimate price to pay with a connection via social network, and I’m well aware of the consequences. But are you? I can deal with your Candy Crush Saga requests, the “friend of the day” posts that you unknowingly share, the blurry profile picture you haven’t updated since 2009, and the 511 photos you post of your newborn child doing everyday things such as sitting down or taking a nap. But there is one thing you do that just crosses the line, something very cringe-inducing that gets under my skin and kills me slowly.

EXAMPLE:

“UPDATE: my mom just told me she wants to start a rockband

Friend: omg I love ur mom

Friend 2: she WOULD do that

Aunt That I Speak To in Person Twice a Year: That’s funny! Ha ha love her! And you, of course! Speaking of which, do you know what you’re doing for Thanksgiving? Hopefully you’re coming back up to Fresno again with the family! We had a great time last year. I’ll bring the sparkling cider! Keep working goofball. Hope you’re doing well. Xoxo”

                            Now, I desperately want to know what kind of benefit you get from making unnecessary comments on my statuses and pictures. Comments that pertain 4% to the actual status and then 96% to something completely irrelevant. Do you think you’re being funny? Do you think I will respect you? Your commentary is beyond useless. I would rather eat soap for fifteen days than deal with your annoying comment. I have to sit at my computer, rolling my eyes and explaining who you are to my friends in a puddle of embarrassment. Please just go back to watching “Grey’s Anatomy” and sharing your unwanted opinions on the IMDB message boards of washed-up child stars.

                            I realize that this is probably the most cynical article I’ve ever written. I’m taking time out of my day to yell at adults on Facebook for being nice and caring human beings. But screw that. Being nice doesn’t mean anything in the dog-eat-dog world of social media. One day you’ll understand the ropes, but for now, I beg you. Just because you know how to use Facebook thanks to your best friend’s 14-year-old daughter doesn’t mean that you have to go out of your way to make irrelevant and unnecessary remarks.

Animals and Lack Thereof

By: Colin Garon (DUde ha ha ha)

                I am currently petless, and I think that makes sense for me, given that I am nowhere near responsible enough to actually care for another living thing. I’ve had various misguided adventures with hermit crabs and fish and guinea pigs and bloodthirsty, antisocial rabbits, but none of them have ended very well. However, I have turned to psychoanalysis to discover the true cause for my petlessness, and I’d say that the tragic events surrounding my first fish, Bellybutton, scarred me so deeply that I could never bring myself to love a pet again.

                I was a little over 5 years old when it happened. My delinquent cousin, Ethan, a 3 year old destined for a life of crime and disgrace, was down to visit from either Los Angeles or Toddler Juvie, and I decided to introduce him to my beloved fish. As I expected, Ethan and Bellybutton hit it off immediately. They had a sort of silent understanding that both obviously valued and appreciated. However, Ethan soon tried to take the relationship too far.

                I turned away for a second, pleased at how well my guest was getting along with my faithful fish sidekick. But while I had my back turned, my cruel and dastardly cousin, with one swift yet infinitely clumsy move, dumped the tank and everything in it out onto the floor.

                There was my erstwhile companion, flopping delicately on the beige carpet. My devastated screams echoed throughout the house. I raced to Bellybutton’s side and gently lifted him towards the empty tank as he twitched gently in my palms. Thanks to a combination of quick thinking and (luckily) no Fish CPR, Bellybutton was saved.

In the aftermath, we went to Seaworld, where Ethan watched all the fish swim innocently to and fro with a curiously evil glint in his eye.

                This catastrophic event had a happy conclusion, but it nevertheless left an indelible mark on my still-fragile psyche, and explains why to this day, I live petless and alone.