Issue 20 (2013-2014)

Issue 20 (September 20, 2013)

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TAKEOVER

Due to an empty inbox, Colin has temporarily taken over the DU in a bloodless coup.

A Very Important Message

Greg would like to remind Dr. Moseley that a timely news story is not off limits to all just because it appears on The Daily Show or The Colbert Report. If that were true, organizations like MSNBC, Fox News, BBC, and CNN wouldn't announce them on TV and post them online for all, including Greg, to see. If Dr. Moseley has any questions about Greg’s sources, he’d be more than happy to share them.

A Very Important Message Directly Related to the First Very Important Message

Greg would like to make it clear that he has NOT been accused of plagiarism. Greg is a very honest man and a contributory member of society and we all love and trust him very much.

IMPROV MATCH
In the theater today at 3:30! It’s Bishop’s vs. Bishop’s in a bloody fight to the death. And the best part? Either way, Bishop’s will win!

Lyrics Quiz Winners

Colin has trouble keeping track of the winners, but he knows that Sajan Palanki definitely got it, and he assumes Mr. Adam O. Davis did as well. Congratulations to them and to the multitudes of people that Colin most likely forgot.

Today’s Lyrics Quiz

Oops!... I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh, baby, baby
Oops!... You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent.

Articles

MOVIE REVIEW: The First Half of Pocahontas, Watched Partly in Spanish

By: Colin Garon (Watches Movies Occasionally)

                I am a little ashamed to admit that I have only watched the first half of Pocahontas, and even more ashamed to admit that I only watched it about two weeks ago. That being said, I thought it was a beautiful piece of cinema. For the most part.

                My issues with the film aren’t because of its many historical innacuracies. I love historical innacuracy in movies, first of all because pointing it out gives me a chance to show off how smart I think I am, and second of all because it makes me feel like anything is possible. If Walt Disney, bless his heart, can make John Smith romance Pocahontas instead of John Rolfe, then by golly, I should probably be able to fly. Or at least get to bed at a reasonable hour.
                No, my main issues with the film were a little more nitpicky. First and foremost, Grandmother Willow. I get that she is supposed to be a wonderful, kind, all-knowing tree person, but her cold, dead, soulless eyes make me wonder if she isn’t actually some sort of demon sent to irreversibly mangle Pocahontas’s social life. Personally, I know that if I were staring into those eyes, I would be indulging in something other than self-reflection, and that something would be pooping my pants. However, Pocahontas decided that the black pits of darkness that are Grandmother Willow’s peepers were trustworthy, so there Grandma is, giving Pocahontas advice and me nightmares.

                Second, Pocahontas herself, and her questionable life choices. I’m not talking about her infatuation with John Smith—that’s true love or something, probably, and completely justified. Diving off of an unusually tall waterfall, however? Unacceptable. It might have made a beautiful picture, her impossibly perfect hair flowing behind her as she plummeted to what was certainly her doom, but the bottom line is that such actions are unsafe and not to be condoned. What does that teach to children? To me, it says “Follow your dreams” with a dash of “Don’t worry about putting your bodily health in immediate danger” and a pinch of “Disregard what your best friend in the canoe is saying, even though she is always sensible and levelheaded.” Don’t get me wrong, “Follow your dreams” is a perfectly fine message. I say it about twice a day (albeit usually with a tangible amount of sarcasm in my voice). It’s the little messages that go along with it that worry me.

                Third, the evil raccoon creature. Perhaps he had some sort of change of heart in the second half of the movie, but in the first half, this little knucklehead seemed to be intent on either eating or ruining everything he came across. I suppose his actions could be interpreted as cute or endearing or racconish, but to me they just came across as self-serving and uncalled for. Sure, the ugly English pug thing was prissy and irksome, but that doesn’t give you the right to eat all the carousel bones, you fat nasty trash. (Here, reader, I am referring to the raccoon as fat nasty trash. You, reader, are neither fat nor nasty, and certainly not trash. In fact, if I had to title you, I’d say you all were slim, gorgeous, and well-adjusted recyclables.) I won’t go on about that stupid raccoon’s mischief, partly because I don’t remember what other shenanigans he pulled, but mostly because I think that my point is clear—all raccoons are evil. I’m Colin Garon, and I approve this message.

                Finally, I’d just like to mention that the Spanish version of the movie, as far as I can tell, is equal, if not superior, to the English version. I only saw approximately 2 minutes of it, but I will talk as authoritatively about it as if I saw the Spanish version 5 times in a row just last night. The Spanish version featured talented voice acting and singing. Viva Pocahontas!

                In conclusion, the first half of Pocahontas is a wonderful first half of a movie. The songs are very high quality, and so is the story. In fact, my only grievances seem to stem from the fact that I am a crotchety old man at heart and thus opposed to fun in any form, apparently. I would suggest this movie to anyone who loves fun and is not afraid of soulless, villainous trees with human faces.