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Blast
O
Congratulations to Matt Lizanich for not
cheating and bringing in more spoints for the seniors in an absolutely fair
manner.
Accident!
After our great 20s dance, a woman was run
over in a hit and run outside school. Witnesses say that the death car was
bright yellow. Daisy, let the man drive next time.
Alex
Krstic
Please report to Ms. Crowley’s office. You
are guilty until proven innocent of 15 counts of plagiarism in your article,
all drawn from Ryan Hasting’s previous piece.
Shouts
Out
To Matt Cappetta, for dialing up the dope
meter with the fresh new senior tees.
To Bob Filner, for resigning from Head
Creep of San Diego.
To them freshmen, on Instagram straight
flexin’ (still).
Birthday!!!
Happy Birthday Tessa, from your favorite
ex-leader.
[Also Happy B-day to the homegirl Mother
Theresa]
I’m
Sorry!
Facebook issues a formal apology to
Isabelle Oliver for killing the quality of her profile picture. Due to poor
quality and nothing else, she only got 134 likes in the first 24 hours, a very
poor showing.
Friday’s
Lyrics Quiz
I am proud to say that we have no
Nickelback fans in our DU readership, as nobody got Friday’s lyrics quiz
correct. You are all winners.
Articles
Because You Need More
Advice
By: Alex Krstic (Ryan Hastings copycat)
Now that the newest influx of itty-bitty 6th graders, overly
confident freshman, and various newbies to the other grades have all
matriculated, I feel the time has come to truly induct these new students into
the Bishop’s community. Here I’ve compiled some tips to help you, dear new
students, through your first few weeks and transform y’all into truly
successful members of Bishop’s society.
1. The most efficient way to get around the Quad before lunch is by riding
your rolling backpack.
2. When making your way to English class, never take the stairs at the back
of Cummins.
3. When offered any kind of free food, gorge yourself ravenously. You never
know when you’ll next be able to afford a break in your studying to allow
yourself basic nourishment.
4. Never erase Mr. Hartman’s whiteboard with your fingers.
5. Complain incessantly about Whipple Hill – even though it clearly has
some beneficial features – because you can.
6. Make an effort to befriend Chi Chi Chang (ASBC Prez) and Adi Chang (12th
Grade Prez) because they
A) are unbelievably friendly
B) are amazing role models, and
C) have names that will never stop being fun to say.
Don’t worry -- Chi Chi doesn’t bite, and Adi only does when provoked.
2 Changz! - Dan
7. “Mr. Assaf, your hair looks fantastic!” or alternatively, “Mr. Assaf,
want some of this extra food I happen to have with me?”
8. Be enthusiastic.
9. Invest in an espresso machine. If you don’t like coffee, just know that
soon, you will.
10. Be as open as possible to new experiences and try to take advantage of
as many opportunities as you can. Great passions are often discovered by
accident.
In all seriousness, if you find yourself needing
help with something or just want someone to talk to, you can come to me
anytime. You can recognize me as the tall brunette flailing her limbs excitedly
and shouting across the terrace at some fellow member of the arts department
(probably Adi Chang).
Son of a Monster
By: Matt Kerr
(DU Freshman)
“Is your dad, a former athlete,
disappointed that you don’t play any sports?”
This seems to be a question that I
receive very often. The first time I heard this, it seemed ridiculous. Then I thought
about it more and more. “Is he disappointed that you don’t play any
sports?” For those who don’t know, he used to play basketball for some teams or
something. When asked that question, I have always given people the same boring
answer: “No, my dad loves me no matter what I do.” But now it’s time to tell
everybody the bitter truth.
Every evening as I sit in my room and do
my homework, my father enters, effortlessly spinning basketballs on both
fingers, balancing a football on his head, and juggling golf clubs. He stares
at me and says: “Hey son, wanna watch the big game tonight?” When I tell him
no, that I have literally no interest in sports and that I just want to do my
homework, a grim look comes across his face. He nods politely and then retreats
back into his room, where he climbs into bed and falls asleep in his Bulls
jersey. I can hear him boiling with rage. He tosses, turns, cries, and mutters
profane things. “I have no son,” he angrily weeps. In the mornings, he attempts
to sign me up for basketball camps or college tours for some kind of athletic
scholarship. Then he tries desperately to make me shoot a three-pointer. When I
can’t quite do it, he deflates the ball and sobs.
I was
a fool to lie to you people for all these years. Giving you sappy answers like
“my dad is supportive” and “he loves me.” Yeah right. I can only pray that he
won’t force me to master any more sports statistics this week. I’m sorry for
being dishonest, and now I’m glad that I have told you all the truth.
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