Issue 42 (2013-2014)

Issue 42 (October 25, 2013)

Sidebar

It’s Friday?

Man , that was fast.

The World Series

Just in case you didn’t know, the World Series is going on! Cardinals vs. Red Sox. Still probably going to watch a football game I don’t care about on Sunday instead, though.

What is the slowest moving animal on Earth?

The sea anemone. The more you know.

A Henge

Dr. Holland got the answer. It’s a circle.

A Capella Club

How about Anna Shuster’s A Capella club in chapel the other day? Great job y’all!

Lyrics Quiz #1

I was up in my head

For everything I’ve said

Caught in a million words

They’re all made with lead

Lyrics Quiz #2

It was the third of September

That day I’ll always remember

‘Cause that was the day my daddy died

Lyrics Quiz #3

Today you were far away

And I didn’t ask you why

What could I say?

I was far away.

Lyrics Quiz #4

C’est le temps de l’amour

Le temps de compains et de l’aventure

On ne pense a rien malgre ses blessures

Lyrics Quizzes

Get all of these right. I dare you.

Articles

Gravity Review

By: Greg Feiner (Picky Moviegoer)

Judging solely by reviews from Rotten Tomatoes, IMDb, or Fandango, Gravity might look like the best thing to happen to movies since the video camera. It’s been very well received by audiences as well, and, as a result, has been #1 in the box office for the past three weeks, with a total gross so far of $171,968,814. Wow. Director Alfonso Cuarón must have done something right.

However, upon viewing it, it’s clear that he didn’t do everything right.

                Usually, I see 3D as a gimmick to sell more tickets at a higher price, but seeing this one in 3D is definitely the way to go. The cinematography is nothing short of revolutionary. It’s easy to think that you’re floating with the astronauts and not in a chair furiously munching on popcorn. Sometimes, instead of looking down from the heavens, you are forced inside Dr. Ryan Stone’s (Sandra Bullock’s) head and see things from her point of view, hearing her breath echo in her helmet, seeing the cosmos through the glare. If this movie doesn’t win Best Cinematography, Best Visual Effects, and at least ALL of the other technical Oscars, I will light a small fire. I cannot overstate how beautiful this movie is.

                But this visual splendor is depressing in a way. It is just so sad that a movie this pretty ever has to open its dumb mouth. If the script and story weren’t so corny—and impossible—Gravity would be best picture material.

                I’m not a science guy (I’m taking two English classes and no Science this year), but I’m pretty sure that floating from hatch to hatch outside a Chinese space station reentering the atmosphere is impossible. I also thought it strange that Dr. Stone didn’t use up more air breathing as heavily as she was, fearing for her life and all. I’m sure these are just the first in a long list of physical violations. These scientific inaccuracies wouldn’t bug me as much in a fantastical setting (Star Wars, Star Trek, etc.) but in a movie like this, it kind of grinded my gears.

                The script didn’t make matters better. Think of the cheesiest, worst, “noble,” self-important-best-picture-aspiring movie you can think of, multiply it by five, and you have the script of Gravity. Sandra Bullock has two monologues at the end that summarize why the last half hour of the film feels twice as long as the first hour. Some of her actual lines are, “I don’t do anything, I just drive,” “sing me to sleep,” and “you tell that little girl that I’m not quitting.” The physically impossible and otherwise improbable storyline and melodramatic score just make matters worse.

                I do not regret seeing Gravity, but it is not all it’s cracked up to be.

76/100

Single and Under Surveillance?

By: Ben Higgs (DU Love Guru)

                The NSA is in the business of spying, and brother, business is a-boomin.  There are over seven billion people on this planet and SOMEONE has to keep track of them, especially if they’re furriners.  Thankfully for the lonely souls out there, that spying means someone is listening and does care after all!  Here are some of the top ways to attract their attention if you’re a lonely single or the less faithful member of a couple.

1.            Be a threatening race.  In this country we have a history of being scared of a certain race at a certain time.  If your people were ever here in numbers, there’s a good chance the American people have hated them.  Right now the fashionable race to be is vaguely brown.  Get on that.
2.             Research home and gardening supplies.  It’s a well-known fact that your home is terrorist’s dream.  Google anything from pressure cookers to fertilizers and you’re bound to attract the eyes of a handsome NSA agent.     
3.             Be French.  According to recent reports, the NSA has made France a specific target of surveillance.  Maybe it’s France’s reputation as the nation of love or the romantic boulevards of Paris, but what’s clear is that the NSA’s lustful attention has been lavished on the French people, and the NSA will not give up their pursuit without a fight.
4.             Be Angela Merkel.  Apparently, the NSA is unusually interested in this fine specimen of a world leader.  Merkel was quoted as saying, “I'm flattered honestly, I just have to put on a show for the voters” (but in a more guttural language).