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JUST
FREAKIN’ TRY TO TAKE IT WITH YOU I DARE YOU
You Can’t Take It With You opens TOMORROW!
WOW! Mr. Adam O. Davis has promised to attend on Thursday, and his advisees
would like to thank him publicly for this. Everyone else should come too, and
see Greg be the nicest old man ever.
Happy
Wednesday!
Late start! C Day! Yippee!
Lyrics
Quiz Controversy
Dan Forssman was unnecessarily mean to
Sajan Palanki yesterday about his consistently strong performances on Lyrics
Quizzes. Sorry, Sajan.
Today’s
Lyrics Quiz
You can gaze into the future
You might think life would be a breeze
Seeing trouble from a distance
But then it’s not that easy
I try to save the situation
Then I end up misbehaving
Haiku
We at the DU think that Haikus are
HaiCOOL.
Walk on silent path
Step in mysterious thing
Oh no! It is poop.
Oh no! It is poop.
(You’re welcome for the poop, Conor
Hayes.)
BishCup
Went well! Tennis won! Wahoo!
Word
of the Day
Insubordination
Number
of the Day
583
Font
of the day
Helvetica 9.5 pt!
Articles
Shutdown Guide 2013
By: Ben
Higgs (Knows His Stuff)
With this
whole “government shutdown” business there appears to be a lot of confusion
about what exactly is shut down and what is not. The following is a handy guide
to what the shutdown means to YOU.
What IS
shut down:
1. The NSA:
The days of fearfully shopping for household appliances are over! Until the
government gets its act together, you can feel free to search the web for the
best fertilizer brands, the most reliable pressure cookers, and your favorite
jihadic texts.
2. The EPA:
Do you have extra batteries lying around? Maybe a few leftover cans of asbestos
that you just CAN NOT get rid of? Not to worry! With the EPA out of commission,
you can just chuck those bad boys into the nearest fresh water source. Until
the government changes its collective diaper, we can all wallow in it!
3. NASA:
Officials at Nasa haven’t noticed that they’ve been cut because of how little
funding they’d been receiving in the first place. Shhhh.
What ISN’T
shut down:
1. The IRS:
Sorry students, looks like you will have to keep paying your taxes! Whoops, I
mean your parents will. The way tax issues are discussed here I sometimes
forget that no one here actually pays any taxes.
2. The
Department of Education: Sorry, Rick Perry. (Super topical 2012 election joke
booyah.)
3. The Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms: If anyone had any parties involving alcohol,
tobacco, or firearms
(or any
unholy combination of the three) planned for this weekend I would
go ahead
and put that on hold.
DISCLAIMER: Some or all of
these statements may have been misstatements or outright lies.
May the Lands Never End
By: Colin
Garon (Uniform Junkie)
“Khakis are khakis,” claims the infinitely
hard-hearted Dan Forssman. He goes on to
poop all over Lands’ End for approximately 4000 words, and then post his cruel
rant all over the Bishop’s bathrooms. Well, Daniel,
elementary-school-era Colin Garon, along with his Lands’ End shirt, shorts,
sweatshirt, backpack, lunchbox, and lifestyle would like a word with you.
Lands’ End has been present in my life since
kindergarten. All and all, I have worn Lands’ End clothes almost every
non-summer weekday for about 10 years (There were a few years in the middle
where I had to wear Sue Mills, but I try to forget that). In fact, I have been
in uniform for almost all my life. It is a point of pride for me that I have
received exactly zero Uniform Violations during my Bishop’s career (even though
I didn’t wear a dress tie once last year hee hee hee). I draw a lot of comfort
from my khakis, whatever Dan may think of them.
There IS a difference between the khakis of Lands’
End and the khakis of Volcom, by the way, and that difference is that it is
nigh impossible to sag in Lands’ End khakis. Not that I’ve tried or anything.
In fact, I plan to keep on with the uniform for the
rest of my life. When I win a Best Actor Oscar for my work in the movie version
of the American Constitution, I will tell reporters that I am wearing Lands’
End with PRIDE IN MY HEART, gosh durn it. Especially since the unthinkable
alternative is to actually dress myself in real clothes like a competent human
being, and I’m not ready for that.
In short (or should I say “in shorts” ha ha ha
uniform joke) I love the uniform. True, it’s not especially comfortable, and it
isn’t especially fashionable, but I’ve grown emotionally dependent on it. It
stops me from looking like a slob 24/7. And that’s what’s important.
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