Issue 38 (2013-2014)

Issue 38 (October 17, 2013)

Sidebar

The More You Know…
In Alexandria, Minnesota, no man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath. The law mandates that, if his wife so requests, he must brush his teeth.  

Water Polo

Water Polo has a game today at 4:30 against Cathedral. BI Be real!

CHAGAHS!!!

The Chargers beat the Colts on Monday Night Football, surprising everyone including themselves.

One fish, two fish, sailfish, oarfish

An oarfish (a very rare and 18 foot long species of fish) was found in Toyon Bay, Catalina this past week. Greg Feiner and Bessie Barnes are bummed that this didn’t happen when they went to summer camp at that facility.

Articles

Since the DU has a grand total of 0 articles waiting to be published, why don’t you all write some? Seriously, please write some. It is very likely that we will publish them if you submit now, provided they aren’t racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, or just downright stupid.

The Shutdown is over!

Congress finally stopped throwing its tantrum and can now go back to eating, pooping, complaining, and not doing much else.

Lyrics Quiz

Standing on a bus stop feeling your head pop out, in the night on the kind of night where you want to be out on the street (on the street), crawling up the walls like a cat in heat. And the air is thin and it blows through your skin and you feel like something is about to begin…

Articles

It Fills the Page (A Poem)

By: Greg Feiner (Brooding Hipster)

How can’t the persnickety wrist

                                                       watch molten

                                                                                elbow grease?

perhaps it spent

TOO much

time

Shaving David Cameron’s

                                            pet lizard and waiting around the           

             house for

sheep to mow the lawn.

                                                                              Insensitive

Why do Bithynian Airlines take so long to take off?

And why can’t I carry on my litter bearers?

I must check them instead.

You Can’t Take It With You

Or Can You?

No

You Can’t.

Nikita Khrushchev

tell me where you were

when Castor and Pollux suffered a broken

bad

And the Gallic platypi

                                    yawped from their

                                            wine cellars

And tell me why my ideas run so

thin and why

nobody can write anything

anymore

not even for the lowly bathrooms

Knock knock who’s there your friend who wants to borrow your zig-zagged goldfish for

A volcano made from baking soda and vinegar

AND LIES!!!

God bless enjambment! It fills the page.

#ostranenie

Gravity Review

By: Ilana Stone (Guest!)

Are you prone to motion sickness? Do you enjoy heavy dialogue, consisting of nauseous moans and emotionally scarring screams of terror? Yes? Well, then go straight to the cinema and watch Gravity, starring Sandra Bullock (in spandex) and George Clooney (perhaps also in spandex). What? 2D stomach churning spins aren’t enough. How would you like to double your payment for 3D effects so strong you can almost feel physics weeping in the corner? 

                They will tell you in the beginning that there is “no sound in space” but disregard this, because, based on the rest of the movie, there is a lot of sound in space, especially loud explosions. A nice reminder that Hollywood is just about as sharp as C♭ major.

                This movie is stuffed with action, too. I assure you, all five minutes of climax are completely filled with action. Sandra Bullock thrills us with her on screen dog imitations and falling asleep. Truly moving!

                Now, I know this is your kind of movie, but how do you convince your girlfriend to come with you. She wants to see that Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie. Tell her this movie has romance. Then enjoy a nice lonely ride home. You lied. There is no romance, only Sandra Bullock falling asleep and pretending she’s a dog.