Issue 24 (2013-2014)

Issue 24 (September 26, 2013)

Sidebar

Happy Thursday

Today is the last day of the school week! It’s a miracle!

Parent’s Night of Classes

Tonight is the night when the parents come to school and pretend to be students. Make sure to remove all backpacks from the campus so that the parents don’t think we’re slobs.

(secretly we are slobs)

SPORTS!
Lots of sports things are currently happening! Ask friends who are on sports teams for more details.

Lyrics Quiz Winners!

Sajan Palanki correctly guessed that the lyrics quiz was A Thousand Miles. Other people who correctly guessed the lyrics quiz and did not receive recognition may feel free to send angry emails to thedailyurinal@gmail.com, specifically directed towards Dan Forssman.

Riddle/Joke Thing of the Day

Three cats attend a swim meet. One is an American cat named One Two Three, one is a Spanish cat named Uno Dos Tres, and one is a French cat named Un Deux Trois. They swim in the meet, and One Two Three finishes in first, with Uno Dos Tres in close second. The French cat, however, never finishes. Why?

Number of the Day

32

Word of the Day

Lugubrious

Lyrics Quiz

Verbe egal au Tres Haut
Notre unique esperance,
Jour eternel de la terre et de cieux,

de la paisible nuit

 Articles

How To Live Your (Love) Life

With Alex Krstic (DU Temptress, Matchmaker, General Love Guru)

Darling DU Reader,

                I love you so – I really do. And because I love you as I do, I’m going to drop some wisdom on you right now, and by wisdom, I mean flirting tips.[1]

                Here I’ve compiled a list of sound bites all straight from 80’s movies.2 Be sure to memorize these so you’ll always be able to whip one out and charm your (potential or actual) significant other at any given moment.

To suavely compliment your significant other:

“[You’re] the only evidence of God I have seen with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.” –Kirby in St. Elmo’s Fire

To come off as dark and mysterious:

“The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us. We’re here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die.” –Ronny in Moonstruck

To avoid seeming clingy at all:“The fact that you’re not answering leads me to believe that you’re either A) not home, B) home, but don’t want to talk to me, or C) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it’s either A or C, please call me back.” –Harry in When Harry Met Sally

To actually be cute as kern: “May I admire you again today?” –Duckie in Pretty in Pink

To invite your significant other on a date:3 “Our love is God. Let’s go get a slushie.” –J.D. in Heathers

I bid you the best of luck, darling reader.         Love, Alex Krstic

[1] Now, I know we’re nowhere near Valentine’s Day or even Formal (if you’re into that), but with the new year come new classes, and with new classes come new friends, and with new friends sometimes come new potential love interests. See, I know what’s up. You’re welcome.

2 For you poor, unfortunate souls for whom the names John Hughes and Molly Ringwald don’t yet ring a bell, the mere fact that these are from 80’s movies means that these lines are essentially guaranteed to work. Again, you’re welcome.

3 (My personal fav)

Fire Safety: A Protest

By: Matt Healey (DU Fireman)

To begin, I acknowledge that I am not an expert on public safety codes and regulations nor am I a structural engineer. So it may be that many of the emergency fire plans we have are actually sound ideas, and only seem counter-intuitive. That being said, they definitely seem really frickin’ counter-intuitive.

For example, why do we go to the turf field? There are practically two narrow entrances for all of the students to enter. This always creates huge bottlenecks at the stairs to get onto the field. And what if the library side entrance gate is locked (like it often is) when a fire happens? Then there’s only one entrance for the entire school to get onto the field. Also, most students would have to cross the entire campus to get to the field, which could be an issue if there’s a, you know, FIRE IN THEIR WAY.  If the instructions were just for everyone to leave campus and reconvene at a set location like the LJ Rec Center then it would be much easier and safer for kids to exit campus and get away from the danger.

Also, the field seems like a fiery death trap to me. I mean, there’s literally a fence going all the way around it to lock us in. It evokes images of the locked gates of the Titanic. And there are hundreds of cars beneath the field, which means there are thousands of gallons of gasoline stored beneath the field. What if the fire spreads or starts in the garage and there’s an explosion? I’m not saying it will catapult us into the sky like a cartoon, but I imagine it would heat up and possibly melt the rubber turf we’re sitting on. Heck, what if there’s a fire on the field? I can’t recall anyone ever going over the guidelines for that. Do we just acknowledge the fire’s superior strategy and proceed to shuffle onto the field anyway and make nice neat lines by advisory so that the fire can burn us alphabetically, according to grade? Seems like we’re giving people with a last name starting in Z an unfair advantage to escape. (Maybe this is just an exercise by the Human Rights Week committee to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of privilege…)

Also, when we have fire drills on the field, what’s the point of telling us to remain quite and sit in lines? Can the fire not see us if we stay still and don’t make any noise? In all seriousness though, we’re practicing an unrealistic situation. No one would be that calm if we could actually see Cummins collapsing in a mess of smoke. We should have drills where people are shouting and screaming and we have to figure out what to do in an appropriately high stress environment.

I know Immanuel Kant wouldn’t approve of this, but if there was really a fire I think I would probably go straight to the garage (with my backpack, oh no!) and drive away, maybe to the beach. I understand that if everyone did this it would be chaos and we’d probably all die. That’s why I’m not suggesting you guys do it as well. By all means, proceed to the field and act as decoys to throw the fire off my trail. Maybe I’ll even trip a sixth grader behind me to slow down the fire’s advance. After all, all’s fair in love and fiery inferno.