Issue 47 (2013-2014)

Issue 47 (November 1, 2013)

Sidebar

WE LOVE SPORTS

By: Dan Forssman

This sidebar is dedicated to sports because BI sports have been killing it recently.

Speaking of killing, Girls Volleyball beat Parker earlier this week, who are supposedly really good but didn’t look that way when we wrecked them. Check back next week for big games on Tuesday and Thursday, including Senior Night on that Thursday against LJCD.

Yesterday, Girls Tennis out-tennised La Jolla High, and are playing in the CIF Finals at 2 today at the Barnes Center. Roll on over there if you are free to watch our girls bring the gold home.

Also yesterday, Boys Water Polo ventured to the socialist empire La Jolla High School. Amidst the largest population of tools in San Diego next to Home Depot, Bishop’s came up with a huge win over the grom squad. Shout out to everyone who came and turned up louder than La Jolla High’s incredibly well-spoken fans with bright futures. We run LJ.

While we are on the topic of running LJ, Field Hockey plays La Jolla today at the Grom Harvesting Center, also known as Muirlands. Bring your brooms to the game if you’re a wizard Harry or if you want to help complete our weekly La Jolla High sweep. All star freshmen Lily Keck has promised to showcase her super sick stick skills and deck some children.

Last, but certainly not least, football. There is a big game tonight at La Jolla High, but against La Jolla Country Day because La Jolla High got tired of losing to us. The game is at 7:00, and it is Senior Night. Most of these seniors have been working their butts off for four years. In all seriousness, they deserve a huge crowd for showcasing such dedication to a sport day after day, year after year. Go to the game tonight and cheer on Stevie Hinshaw, Chad Raser, William Nahm, Winkfield “Tripp” Twyman III, Ian “Steak” Tierney, Ben Brewer, and Chase Lauer, our beloved meatheads.

 Articles

As We Review PDG

By: Leo Li

       After the Legends concert in the spring last year, I walked into this year’s fall concert, “As We Forgive Those,” with a ridiculously high bar set for the dancers. I don’t think I’ve ever raised my hopes so high. You get what I mean.

      The fall dance concert is based on the story of Immaculée Ilibagiza, a survivor the Rwandan Genocide who came to speak with Bishop’s last year. Inspired by the story of her ordeal, which includes the time she spent in a 4 by 3 feet bathroom, the Performing Dance Group were tasked to create a show explaining, or symbolizing through art, how Ilibagiza could have put through with the horrible situation she was forced to endure.

               

       While the spring concert was a collection of different acts, As We Forgive Those took a different path altogether, creating a single act, centralized around the story of the genocide, and a very literal, 3 by 4 foot space. The dancing (which of course is amazing, as it should be) centralizes around what is happening outside the ‘bathroom,’ along with the mind of Ilibagiza, reading the Bible and fighting an internal struggle of good vs. evil.

               

       Every motion had a symbolic, or interpretative, meaning. PDG and Ms. Cory have shown that they can inject allegory and story into their performance without sacrificing the beauty of their presentation, and keep the audience both entertained, wondering, and at times, absolutely silent.

       There are many things I could say about the lighting and technical aspects of As We Forgive Those, but what I will say is that the lighting itself enforces the symbolism that I mentioned earlier. Their portrayal of the 3 by 4 space is also quite amazing.

       Overall, what the audience should take away is this: PDG once again have proven to us that they have what it takes to embody the beauty of their art. They have shown that dance is not just one great act after another, but that it can also centralize around a story, a meaning, a message, rather than just a theme. Kudos to PDG for, once again, an amazing dance concert. Those who have not seen it should absolutely see what PDG is capable of, Friday at 5 or 7:30, or Saturday, 5 or 7:30.

Issue 46 (2013-2014)

Issue 46 (October 31, 2013)

Sidebar

Happy Halloween!

Go politely rob some people. Of candy.

Delivery

If you’d like to see the DU around as much as you did yesterday, why not help deliver it? Find Greg, Dan, Colin, or Matt if you’re interested.

Blog

If the whole “putting the DU up around school” thing doesn’t work, then check it out online at thedailyurinal.blogspot.com.

Comic Strip

I’ve heard through the grapevine that some people would like to see a comic strip in the DU. I don’t know if our staff would do that, but if you submit comics of your own, we may submit them if they're funny and not offensive.

PDG

The PDG concert, As We Forgive Those… will be performing today, Friday, and Saturday at 5:30 and 7:00 each day. Come watch Adi Chang bust a move.

Quiz Winners

Mr. Goss and Gloriana got The Beatles’ “Come Together,” Sajan got The White Stripes’ “Dead Leaves and Dirty Ground,” and Mr. Davis got both of them right. Also, Dr. Martell aced the literature quiz. It was The Stranger by Camus.

Lyrics Quiz

There are children throwing snowballs

Instead of throwing heads

They’re busy building toys

And absolutely no one’s dead

Writing Prompt

In six words, desribe your perfect Halloween.

Articles

On the Topic of Yoga Pants

By: Nessa Garcia (Fan of Warm Legs)

In a recent article by Chris Halter, the idea that yoga pants should become part of the Girls' uniform was suggested...

 Just kidding, yoga pants are great. However, I do disagree with one salient point in the article: yoga pants are NOT the most comfortable type of pants. Sweatpants are. Oh Chris, how could you be so ignorant?

                If I could, I would wear sweatpants every single day. Unfortunately, I am bounded by the oppressive Bishop's system that keeps me looking tidy and uniform (pun pun pun) with everyone else. As I write this article outside the library, multiple chilly breezes strike at my unprotected legs. All I want is the cotton insulation of sweatpants, the freedom of loose clothing--none of which yoga pants provide.

                Like I said, I truly appreciate yoga pants. But seeing that they are most optimal for, well, yoga, and the amount of times that I've attended a yoga class has been, well, never (minor exception: 8th grade P.E.), yoga pants just don't make the cut. Obviously, yoga pants have become part of everyday wear for females, even if they don't participate in the activity. But still, if we were to hypothetically revolutionize the Bishop's uniform, why not opt for the more "relaxing" choice? Imagine:

                -Dress day pants for boys would be traded in for gray sweatpants--Oh wait, Connor McCroskey has already introduced this.

                -Due to how comfortable the new khaki-colored (there would have to be compromise somewhere) sweatpants are, the administration decides to create a new schedule that incorporates in a daily nap time. In fact, there might be a whole culture already dedicated to this idea, but I don't know.

                -Classes such as AP Sleep and Advanced Netflix-Watching would be offered. Colleges suddenly increase their acceptances of Bishop's students due to how revolutionary these courses are.

"Real Success" is finally defined

Things To Do Because It’s Fall

By: Matthew Kerr (Lover of Seasons)

•Watch that movie Halloweentown. Or, because it’s only on Disney Channel at the beginning and end of October, illegally stream it and then sue Disney for being jerks. Lose the lawsuit and get your house taken away.

•Jump into a pile of leaves in an attempt to be spontaneous. Accidentally break your leg while jumping and then go to the emergency room. Have your neighbors forever hate you for messing up their nicely raked pile of leaves.

•It’s sweater weather. That means you can only wear sweaters. Never anything else. Taking a shower? Too bad, wear a sweater. Running a marathon? Wear a sweater. Going to your grandmother’s funeral? Sweater. Welcome to the real world, punk.

•Go to a Halloween store. Look for a female costume that isn’t oversexualized. Die of starvation after searching for days without food.

•Light a scented candle. Light twenty scented candles. Make your house smell like vanilla. Make your house smell too much like vanilla. The candles have messed with your mind and state of health. I’m sorry. You have three months to live.

•Curl up in a soft blanket with somebody and listen to some indie autumn music like “The Lumineers” and “The Head and The Heart.” Get offended when they tell you they hate those bands. Suffocate them with the soft blanket. 

AND OF COURSE, FALL MEANS PUMPKIN!

HERE ARE SOME PUMPKIN RELATED THINGS:

•Drink a pumpkin spice latte. To add to the spice, put a Trinidad Scorpion Butch pepper in your drink. Trust me, it makes your beverage much more flavorful. 10 out of 10 nutritionists recommend.

•Order a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks. Wait for the employee to spell your name slightly wrong on your cup. Take a picture of the drink with your misspelled name and post it to Instagram. Wait fifteen minutes before I show up at your house with nothing but a stale baguette to beat the heck out of you with.

•Buy a pumpkin and dress it in a little sweater. Get attached, name her Jessa. Get angry at Jessa when she gets a lip piercing and runs away to live with her 26-year-old boyfriend. Jessa rots in two weeks and you mourn.

Issue 45 (2013-2014)

Issue 45 (October 30, 2013)

Sidebar

November the First

This is the only actually scary day this week for seniors. Remember, nine o clock our time on Friday is the deadline for college apps. Might want to get started on them...

On to the Important Deadlines

The deadline you should really be watching is nine o clock tonight. If you don't have your Halloween costume ready and your group organized by then, no way you can win any competitions at lunch on Thursday.

Costume Mashup Ideas

Victoria's Secret Police

Gangnam Stein from Southpark

Iraquetball

Pope Benedict Arnold

Freddy Cougar

Other Costume Ideas

A Mute Fox

Sexy Heisenberg

The Dread Haircut

It seems the teachers are receiving UV's too in the Dress Code Crackdown of '13. Mr. Thompson had to get rid of his dreads to avoid a Saturday detention.

Lyrics Quiz:

If you can hear a piano fall

You can hear me coming down the hall

He wear no shoeshine

He got toejam football

He got monkey finger

He shoot coca cocla

Literature Quiz:

Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday; I can't be sure.

How did you go bankrupt? Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly.

Articles

Witchin'

By Adela Pfaff (DU Asst. Manager of Strickland Propane)

I know, I know, you've all seen the pickle-juice-coloured, beak-nosed, wart speckled, child-nibbling witches with knotted charcoal hair the same texture as their fingernails in the movies. And you've all probably heard of the unshaven new-age witches who dance naked around a bonfire during the full moon. But today, however, this list should clear any remaining witch-related stereotypes. 

Here are my Top 10 Hottest Witches:
10. Zatanna Zatara. Clad in fishnets and a top hat, she is a vision in my class colours. Zatanna's got mad witch skills and beats the spandex out of villians on the reg. She can make anything into a spell by saying it backwards, and has a ton of street cred in the DC universe for being super attractive all the time. S'ehs yllautca erom fo a naicigam, tub ehs llits sekam siht tsil esuaceb ehs's elbaroda.

9. Sayaka from Madoka. You know she is. If you know who she is. Her magical animal familiar encourages young girls to Kyubey themselves!

8. Christine O'Donnell.

7. The Twitches. Remember that movie about the girls who didn't know they were twins and drew each other and wrote about each other and then met and switched clothes in a convertible? No? Well you are the front row of seats at an action movie. Tia and Tamara are ballers. Those movies changed my life.

6. Madison from American Horror Story Coven. Emma Roberts plays a magical, stoner starlet in the third season of the FX miniseries and is pretty flippin' cute. Pretty (bus) flippin' cute.

5. Sarah Jessica Parker from Hocus Pocus. Not gonna lie, I crushed on her hardcore when I watched this movie as a wee babe. Her blonde hair and heavy eye makeup transform her from a wild stallion into a dim-witted Satanist.

4. Samantha from Bewitched. I felt the sudden urge to watch the Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell version of Bewitched. Contrary to popular belief (AKA a 4/10 rating on pretty much every website ever), this movie rocks my socks. Samantha the witch can change playing cards into credit cards and bake pies out of thin air- this is the movie that made me want to be a witch.

3. Me. I'm a witch and I'm hot.

2. Ben Ravencroft. That one guy who turned out to be the real witch in that Scooby Doo movie from a while ago? His great great grandmother killed a bunch of people? The movie with The Hex Girls band that the gang thought were the real witches but just turned out to be a sick gothic all-girl group full of teenage posers? Ben was like a historian and had glasses and was a jerk? Ok maybe he's not the hottest witch but that movie had a sweet twist at the end. Actually, the guy turning out to be a witch was the twist. I'm so sorry.

1. All the women who were burned at the stake in 1600 for accusations of witchcraft. 400 years isn't "too soon," right? I have a friend who was burned at the stake anyway so I can say that. Happy Halloween, Halloweenies.

Issue 44 (2013-2014)

Issue 44 (October 29, 2013)

Sidebar

HAPPY TUESDAY

Very happy yes.

DISCLAIMER

Conor Hayes does not actually think that Dan is (that much of) a butthole.

Apology

Humor is partly about pushing boundaries. But sometimes, those boundaries are pushed too far. The Daily Urinal extends its apologies to anyone offended by the swear words used in last issue. The staff of the Daily Urinal aims to make the publication appealing to and appropriate for all of Bishop’s. That goal was not met with yesterday’s issue, and for that the DU is very sorry.

LYRICS QUIZ OF THE DAY!!!

Hot summer nights, mid-July
When you and I were forever wild

The crazy days, the city lights

The way you’d play with me like a child.

HALLOWEEN IS COMINGGGG

Wear a costume! Enter the ASBC costume contest during enrichments! Go to the haunted house! Worry about college applications! Have a nice time!

SUBMIT ARTICLES!

Send appropriately worded articles to thedailyurinal@gmail.com. #swag

POETRY OF THE DAY

Parsley

Is gharsely.

-Ogden Nash

ESSAY PROMPT

What, to you, defines a curse word? Is it the way it is used? The way its audience interprets it? The intentions of its user? The history of the word? Something else entirely? Explain, ya buttpoop.

Articles

The DU is #1

By: Conor Hayes (Only One N)

                As many of you loyal DU readers may have noticed, the ever-controversial DU spitfire Dan Forssman created yet another scandal in yesterday’s issue by criticizing a student who is not, in fact, enrolled in the Bishop’s School.  Connor Hayes, the student in question, was accused of two crimes:

Crime the First: Having attended too few of Bishops’ many sporting events over the course of this school year.

Crime the Second:  Not having collected his fecal matter in a reasonably organized, fully fused pile.

Both of these crimes are indeed very serious.  The first, in fact, is one that I myself am somewhat guilty of, and one that I intend to address.  However, the more astute among you, dear readers, will have noticed a flaw in Dan’s otherwise impeccable argument: a student who does not, in point of fact, exist, will almost certainly have difficulty doing much of anything, much less attending school events and/or unifying his poop. 

“I think it is very rude of someone to discriminate against those with a disability like mine,” said the unfortunately fictitious student in an interview yesterday.  “Just because someone doesn’t exist doesn’t mean that you can criticize him/her whenever you want,” he continued, an irritated tone slowly creeping into his utterly fictitious voice.  “I may not exist, but I do have feelings.  And it is especially surprising for me to hear such comments from someone who himself must deal with the equally serious disability of being a bit of a butthole.”

The DU has certainly created its share of controversy over the years. I think that part of its purpose at Bishop’s is to be an outlet for the suppressed feelings caused by such a high pressure environment, and as such its needs its share of belligerent rants, poorly worded insults, and poop jokes (especially intelligent poop jokes).  The Daily Urinal is an excellent receptacle for the unwanted byproducts of the Bishop’s Experience.  However, it is when these byproducts miss the mark and hit the walls next to the Urinal that problems are caused.  Mr. Beamer—or the cleaning staff, depending on which urinal we are talking about—has to get involved.  And even worse, this particular target of opportunity does not even exist; the criticism just flies through space, never hitting anything and dividing by every zero it sees.  The DU has a positively sterling reputation when it comes to two things: being published Daily, and being a wonderful Urinal.  When our DU material spills or leaks, it is the good reputation of the Urinal that gets thoroughly peed on.  And this, I will not allow.

I Like Swearing

By: Hubert Short (Chronic Curser)

                I never understood all the fuss about cuss words. To me, a word is a word is a word, and that’s that. Of course, my college girlfriend Martha was initially surprised to hear me talk. “Get used to it, you ugly nasty—!” I’d tell her. And eventually, she did get used to it, of course, but she never seemed to really appreciate my rich and colorful vocabulary. We parted ways after graduation rolled around—she to a high-paying job in petroleum engineering, I to a three-year stint in jail for aggravated assault.

                I’m married now, with a wife and two great kids. I really like to push the envelope with names, so my kids are named Buttpoop and Floozy. I wish I could have used stronger words, of course, but my wife stopped me. “Herbert,” she said to me, “You can’t use the F-bomb as a baby name. It simply isn’t done!”

                “Oh, can it, you—.” I responded, giving her a kiss. She’s a sweet woman, my wife Nina is, but sometimes she just doesn’t undertstand me. You see, I dream of the day when I can call my kid a fat piece of trash—or worse!—without fear of some prude telling me I “can’t talk to kids that way” and “I’m ruining their self esteem.” Shows what they know. Buttpoop has grown into a fine young gentleman, and Floozy is really coming into her own. 

                There have, of course, been times where my dirty mouth has gotten me in trouble. I’ve been kicked out of more restaurants than I can count, my in-laws hate me, Buttpoop’s third grade teacher still thinks I’m a psychopath, and my credit score is down the toilet. That last one isn’t a direct result of my dirty mouth, but it sure does make me gosh diddly-darn mad to think about. Almost cussing mad, in fact! Yes right now, I could just let out a long stream of rude, crude, mean, obscene, terrible words—

                Hold on, my wife is calling me. I think I’ve got to fix that dad-blamed television. That durned contraption sure can be a piece of—

  

Issue 43 (2013-2014)

Issue 43 (October 28, 2013)

Sidebar

Free Dress?

Thanks for clearing things up Chris. I had always thought that, on days when all the girls wore yoga pants, the Varsity Yoga Team had free dress. No wonder I was confused (and a little disappointed) that Luke Wood wasn’t wearing any.

More on Yoga Pants

Chris mentioned the “campus-wide beautification” that would come as a result of making yoga pants part of the uniform. For those that were confused, Chris likes girls with nice butts.

Hockey on the Field

Big field hockey game today against Scripps Ranch, aka Ratchet Nation. It may or may not be at home, but if it is, rally the Eva May fleets and go watch Marj kick some ass.

It’s Not Your Fault

For anyone that is distraught about not receiving a Candygram, Ms. Ryan is available for counseling at any time. Stop by her office.

Spoints

Connor Hayes, aggregate your feces. I have gone to many water polo, volleyball, football, and field hockey games, and I don’t think I’ve seen you at one of them. How are you supposed to award spoints to extremely obnoxious fans like myself if you don’t show up to anything?

Good Luck

With all those supplements that you are yet to start and those  Common App essays that are far from adequate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Articles

Free the Yoga Pants         

By: Chris Halter (Yoga Enthusiast)

       These past two weeks have been plagued by controversy surrounding uniforms. Namely, the fierce battle over skirt lengths. I have a solution that’s brilliant: yoga pants.

       If any of you remember, last year I wrote a disillusioned article talking about how yoga pants are only good for distraction. However, I think they may just be the perfect solution to the skirt length fiasco.

       Yoga pants are already so ubiquitous at The Bishop’s School that making them a piece of the uniform for girls would be a no brainer. Since, from what I can tell, every female at school wears yoga pants on free dress day, making them uniform wouldn’t require girls to go out and buy new clothes, therefore solving the economic issues involved with forcing girls to buy new skirts.

       But the benefits don’t stop there. Making yoga pants part of the uniform would also solve the mobility issues that girls constantly complain about with skirts. Making yoga pants uniform would actually increase the mobility of the female population. The safety benefits of this are innumerable. Just think of how increased mobility will save lives in the event of a fire, or lockdown. When it comes to solving this problem, yoga pants are really a no cost, no penalty solution. The campus-wide beautification that would come with making yoga pants uniform is another obvious benefit. In essence, yoga pants act as the savior Mr. Beamer has been looking for since day one of this uniform debacle.

       These are trying times at The Bishop’s School. No one will deny that. However, it is time to face facts. Mr. Beamer, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for The Bishop’s School and its students, if you seek a new era for uniforms at this school, come to the next announcements. Mr. Beamer, open those announcements with a decree. Mr. Beamer, make yoga pants part of the Bishop’s uniform!

Bad Grandpa Review

By: Dan Forssman (not Greg)

     On Saturday night, I found myself laughing my ass off, watching an old man running around a strip club full of black male performers, in his underwear, with his nutsack hanging loose, swinging to and fro, entering the lives of unsuspecting customers and the naked behinds of the performers in a very tangible way. I wasn’t quite sure what I was watching, but somehow, someway, it wasn’t just entertaining; it was absolutely hilarious.

      In Bad Grandpa, Johnny Knoxville plays old man Irving Zisman who has just received heartwarming news that his wife has finally died. In a fittingly loose plot, he takes his grandson, Billy (Jackson Nicoll), cross country (not a sport) to drop him off at Billy’s father. Hilarity ensues.

     I don’t want to ruin too much for you, but if you are into any of the following – poop on walls, drunk shopping cart drive-thrus, hitting on unattractive women, beauty pageant stripteases, penises stuck in vending machines – then go see it. However, don’t get your hopes up.

     Maybe I was expecting too much from such a film, but Bad Grandpa did not fully meet my expectations. The scenes jump around too quickly, not really leaving much time for the humor to set in before the film has moved onto the next random escapade. Knoxville is funny, but he doesn’t reach his full potential that he has showcased before in other Jackass films. Oftentimes, he is overshadowed by his dare-I-say co-star, Jackson Nicoll.

     All in all, though, Bad Grandpa was a solid film, landing a few jaw-dropping laughs and a good amount of chuckles in between. The stunts were performed in front of real, unsuspecting people, making it even funnier. Although Bad Grandpa falls short of its original counterpart, Borat, still see it because it has its moments, and its moments are pure gold.

Issue 42 (2013-2014)

Issue 42 (October 25, 2013)

Sidebar

It’s Friday?

Man , that was fast.

The World Series

Just in case you didn’t know, the World Series is going on! Cardinals vs. Red Sox. Still probably going to watch a football game I don’t care about on Sunday instead, though.

What is the slowest moving animal on Earth?

The sea anemone. The more you know.

A Henge

Dr. Holland got the answer. It’s a circle.

A Capella Club

How about Anna Shuster’s A Capella club in chapel the other day? Great job y’all!

Lyrics Quiz #1

I was up in my head

For everything I’ve said

Caught in a million words

They’re all made with lead

Lyrics Quiz #2

It was the third of September

That day I’ll always remember

‘Cause that was the day my daddy died

Lyrics Quiz #3

Today you were far away

And I didn’t ask you why

What could I say?

I was far away.

Lyrics Quiz #4

C’est le temps de l’amour

Le temps de compains et de l’aventure

On ne pense a rien malgre ses blessures

Lyrics Quizzes

Get all of these right. I dare you.

Articles

Gravity Review

By: Greg Feiner (Picky Moviegoer)

Judging solely by reviews from Rotten Tomatoes, IMDb, or Fandango, Gravity might look like the best thing to happen to movies since the video camera. It’s been very well received by audiences as well, and, as a result, has been #1 in the box office for the past three weeks, with a total gross so far of $171,968,814. Wow. Director Alfonso Cuarón must have done something right.

However, upon viewing it, it’s clear that he didn’t do everything right.

                Usually, I see 3D as a gimmick to sell more tickets at a higher price, but seeing this one in 3D is definitely the way to go. The cinematography is nothing short of revolutionary. It’s easy to think that you’re floating with the astronauts and not in a chair furiously munching on popcorn. Sometimes, instead of looking down from the heavens, you are forced inside Dr. Ryan Stone’s (Sandra Bullock’s) head and see things from her point of view, hearing her breath echo in her helmet, seeing the cosmos through the glare. If this movie doesn’t win Best Cinematography, Best Visual Effects, and at least ALL of the other technical Oscars, I will light a small fire. I cannot overstate how beautiful this movie is.

                But this visual splendor is depressing in a way. It is just so sad that a movie this pretty ever has to open its dumb mouth. If the script and story weren’t so corny—and impossible—Gravity would be best picture material.

                I’m not a science guy (I’m taking two English classes and no Science this year), but I’m pretty sure that floating from hatch to hatch outside a Chinese space station reentering the atmosphere is impossible. I also thought it strange that Dr. Stone didn’t use up more air breathing as heavily as she was, fearing for her life and all. I’m sure these are just the first in a long list of physical violations. These scientific inaccuracies wouldn’t bug me as much in a fantastical setting (Star Wars, Star Trek, etc.) but in a movie like this, it kind of grinded my gears.

                The script didn’t make matters better. Think of the cheesiest, worst, “noble,” self-important-best-picture-aspiring movie you can think of, multiply it by five, and you have the script of Gravity. Sandra Bullock has two monologues at the end that summarize why the last half hour of the film feels twice as long as the first hour. Some of her actual lines are, “I don’t do anything, I just drive,” “sing me to sleep,” and “you tell that little girl that I’m not quitting.” The physically impossible and otherwise improbable storyline and melodramatic score just make matters worse.

                I do not regret seeing Gravity, but it is not all it’s cracked up to be.

76/100

Single and Under Surveillance?

By: Ben Higgs (DU Love Guru)

                The NSA is in the business of spying, and brother, business is a-boomin.  There are over seven billion people on this planet and SOMEONE has to keep track of them, especially if they’re furriners.  Thankfully for the lonely souls out there, that spying means someone is listening and does care after all!  Here are some of the top ways to attract their attention if you’re a lonely single or the less faithful member of a couple.

1.            Be a threatening race.  In this country we have a history of being scared of a certain race at a certain time.  If your people were ever here in numbers, there’s a good chance the American people have hated them.  Right now the fashionable race to be is vaguely brown.  Get on that.
2.             Research home and gardening supplies.  It’s a well-known fact that your home is terrorist’s dream.  Google anything from pressure cookers to fertilizers and you’re bound to attract the eyes of a handsome NSA agent.     
3.             Be French.  According to recent reports, the NSA has made France a specific target of surveillance.  Maybe it’s France’s reputation as the nation of love or the romantic boulevards of Paris, but what’s clear is that the NSA’s lustful attention has been lavished on the French people, and the NSA will not give up their pursuit without a fight.
4.             Be Angela Merkel.  Apparently, the NSA is unusually interested in this fine specimen of a world leader.  Merkel was quoted as saying, “I'm flattered honestly, I just have to put on a show for the voters” (but in a more guttural language).

Issue 41 (2013-2014)

Issue 41 (October 24, 2013)

Sidebar

We love you:

Ally, for your kindness. Matt Kerr, even though you violated my ears when you said "Fart!" at coffee house. And all the the rest of you, we love you too, even though you're not as remarkable as these two <3

Seniors:

You should probably decide if you're applying early to colleges and get started on your apps. I think they're due soon or something...

Lyrics Quiz:

I'm with my kids in the minivan

Listening to NPR

With the windows down

Through the culdesac

Quiz Acknowledgement:

Sajan got my lyrics quiz right long long ago when he correctly identified "These Streets" by Paolo Nutini

Philosophical Question of the Day:

What's the meaning of Stone Henge?

Less Philosophical Question:

What does the fox say?

Completely A-philosophical Answer:

Gering-ding-ding-dinga-dinga-ding

Did You Make Up That Word?

A-philosophical? Yes.

It's Throwback Thursday

So go post some photos from last week that you didn't get a chance to put up because you had already posted twice every day and didn't want to seem desperate.

Want to be famous and loved by your peers?

Submit articles and erotic love poems of 400 words or fewer to the dailyurinal@gmail.com.

Articles

Dropping the F-Bomb: The Effects/Open Apology

By Matt Kerr (DU Stealer of Innocence)

                On the night of October 18^th, 2013, at approximately 7:13pm, I committed my first sin ever. Although exhilarating, I could also feel my innocence ripped from my bare hands the very moment it occurred. For those of you who don’t know, I was set to perform a Vampire Weekend song entitled “Hannah Hunt.” Things were supposed to be simple, following the rules: I would sing my heart out, the crowd would cheer and cry, Colin Garon would have a 35 minute piano solo, I would be named “Artist of the Year” by Entertainment Weekly-- But no. None of that. A surge of nervous behavior had filled my body just seconds before I was meant to strut my way to the stage. I remember knocking people over on the way up, as well as clutching the microphone and taking a five minute break to cry. While singing, things seemed pretty okay. My voice was shaky but I was getting the job done. However, sometime along the first verse was when I began to get lost. The piano kept playing and I was left staring into space, completely blanking on the song that I had once known so well. “F***!”, I exclaimed. The audience gasped and went from calm to chaotic in about 0.3 seconds. Courtney Flanagan’s fragile heart ripped in half, immediately sending her collapsing to the ground. My mother violently banged her own head against the wall of the room while crying out to God, questioning why she was punished with such a vile son. Two people in the crowd burst into flames and had to douse themselves with the coffee being served.

                Mothers now shield their children from my presence, afraid I will expand my hellish influence upon them. This is not the life I want to come out of my foolish mistake. I take this time to apologize for my unforgivable actions, and to recognize the hearts that I have broken (Colin Garon himself refuses to ever play the piano for me again, as he is now sleepless and haunted by the sounds of my profanity). Humans take time to realize the things they’ve done wrong, and maybe I’m on that path of development now. I hope you can all understand. God bless.

DU Article Woohoo

By: Ally-G (DU Number One Fan)

To the fabulous DU staff—

I just can’t describe how much I love you guys and your publication. There have been a lot of awesome people who have come and gone, but I think that you guys make the best DU team that there ever was. Every morning, I love snatching a newly-minted issue, still warm from the copier, out of Colin Garon’s hands, so that I can read the really amazing articles that you all put forth on a daily basis. I never truly appreciated just how hard the DU staff works, but your guys’ fabulous writing has really opened my eyes to appreciate just how much effort and work it takes to write articles of the same high quality almost every day.

I don’t know all the nerds of the DU—that is, the staff who aren’t DU commanders—but I sure wish I did. Y’all impress me on the daily. A lot of you guys are sophomores, which I think is super cool. I never could have written articles that some of you write when I was a sophomore. I’m not sure I could even write as well as you guys do today. I wish I wasn’t graduating this year, so that I could keep reading your guys’ articles in the years to come.  L

Colin, Matt, Dan, and Greg—you guys are doing an amazing job commanding the DU this year. (I’m running out of superlatives, sorry.) I love guessing which one of you has formatted the day’s issue, and I love reading your guys’ articles because they always range in type: from humorous, to political, to spoken word, etc. I could go on and on, so multitalented are all of you as writers. Also, you guys never fail to impress me with the subjects of your articles. I definitely could never be that creative. I mean, it took me like 8 million years to figure out that I should write this letter.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you guys never fail to bring me just what I need every day, whether it be a few laughs, or some food for thought. I can’t wait to keep reading! And I sure am going to miss you all and the DU next year.

Love,

A [no longer] anonymous senior <3 

Issue 40 (2013-2014)

Issue 40 (October 23, 2013)

Sidebar

Welcome Back!

QUARTER 2 LET’S GO!!!!!

A BLOG

The Daily Urinal has started a blog!!!! Visit thedailyurinal.blogspot.com to read articles from THIS WHOLE YEAR!

DISCUSSION OF ROMANCE IS IN THE AIR

Welcome to the DU’s annual Valentine’s Day in October issue! Valentine’s Day in October is Christmas in July’s neglected second cousin, and deserves more attention.

Today’s Lyrics Quiz

Take you away from here

There’s nothing between us but space and time

I’ll be your own little star

Let me shine in your world

Literary Quote of the Day

They all talked at once, their voices insistent and contradictory and impatient, making of unreality a possibility, then a probability, then an incontrovertible fact, as people will when their desires become words.

Second Lyrics Quiz

The look of love, the rush of blood

The “She’s with me,” the Gallic shrug

The shutterbugs, the Camera Plus

The black and white, the colour dodge

Shout-Out

To Alejandra Gallegos, for saying very nice things about the DU in a well-worded and accurate article. And also for having a birthday over the four day weekend!

Coming Up…

Matt Kerr apologizes for saying a dirty word at Coffee House.

Articles

A Bishop’s Love Story

By: Adela Pfaff, MD, PhD, XD, DDS

                “Uh, Janet, I’ve been thinking about this for a while.”

                Brad scratched his head as Janet took the last binder out of her locker. Their eyes were both lowered, Janet’s face fading into a shy smile.

                “Will you go out with me?” Brad said, face bright red. Janet clutched her books to her chest and beamed.

                “Of course!” she said, delighted to see the relief on Brad’s face. They both laughed and took out their planners and iPhones. “Are you free this Wednesday?”

                “No, I have a math project due and then orchestra rehearsal until 8:00. What about Thursday?” Brad swiped through his calendar app, nervous fingers quivering just the tiniest bit.

                “Field hockey practice, sorry. Friday?”

                “I’m taking the PSAT this Saturday,” he sighed.

                “Oh right,” Janet said as she brushed a lock of blonde hair behind her ear, “Me too. I’m going to visit colleges during the quarter break, I’m seeing--”

                “Harvard and Yale!” they chirped in unison, dissolving into friendly laughter before turning back to their Blackberries.

                “When are your free periods?” Brad asked.

                “X on every other E-day, you?”

                “Period two on C-days and X on A-days if there was a full moon the night before.” Brad kept flipping pages in his calendar. “We could eat lunch together.”

                “I have middle school lunch on A-days but usually spend my lunch periods doing my Summa work,” Janet shrugged. “How about after school two Mondays from now? November 4th?”

                “Sorry, Cute Things Club meets then. Did you know the founder of Cute Things Club is really sweet and always brings snacks for us? Not to mention she lets us do crafts and watch movies with her and stays in Mr. Bishop’s room in Bentham from 2:45 to 6:00,” Brad said, reaching for Janet’s outstretched hand.

                “Of course I knew that, Adela Pfaff is a genius!” They both laughed in complete, sincere appreciation of Adela Pfaff’s genius, “I can’t do Sundays because of Jazz Band rehearsals, but what about Tuesday the 4th of February?”

                “Ah, can’t. I’m scheduled to get the stomach flu that week,” Brad pointed to the pager on his belt.

                “I’m getting mono on the 8th of March until the beginning of spring break, so maybe something in April?”

                “The 20th?”

                “Can’t. I’m busy then too.”

                “Going to church for Easter?”

                “No, 420 blaze it yolo swëg.”

                “Oh right.” Brad noticed a small patch of white in his calendar app on his Netbook. “I’ve got it! How about the 16th of June?”

                Janet eagerly palmed through her planner, Blackberry, iPhone, palm pilot, pager, Chromebook, and Walkman before looking up at Brad with glistening eyes.

                “It’s a date!”

                They hugged and grinned lovingly at each other before walking off in different directions, one to varsity water polo practice, and the other to Shorts rehearsals for the next 16 hours.

Platonic Shmatonic
By: Emily Gao (DU Love Guru)

Boy approaches girl, and girl is charmed by his effeminate masculinity non-threateningly secure heterosexuality, the fact that he noticed the brand of pants she’s wearing and his proper use of “propensity” and “eclecticism”. Boy and girl exchange numbers, and after a month or so of witty banter, hang outs, and Starbuck/Jamba Juice runs they become…friends. Not lovers. Certainly not the awkward Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake/ Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman benefit sorts. He/she becomes extremely special to you. Purely friends. Besties that serve as each other’s de facto permanent back-up weekend companion, but never, ever, ever, ever, EVER crossing that line.

                Ah yes, the age old, Harry Met Sally-esque question:

               

Can heterosexual boys and girls be “just friends”?

               

                Answer 1: Psh yes of course! So and so and I are just friends. She/he would never like me. She/he is my (insert friendly kinship term here). That’d be like dating my brother/sister! He/she would never like me like that.

                Answer 2 (my answer): Yes successful platonic relationships are possible, but  only after one of the parties has fallen for each other. I think between a boy and a girl there will always be a split, unplanned moment where you ask yourself “would I date this person?”. Perhaps if the person has a phenomenal personality and or is easy on the eyes, this question pops up faster. A personal anecdote: I fell for one of my best guy friends and after that whole hey-but-you’re-just-a-sister-to-me-sorry phase passed, we became even BETTER friends. Weird right?

                It’s good to note that there are ALWAYS exceptions to this theory. I can name a handful of guys that I’m purely close friends with. (Or so I believe.)   Remember emotions  are always tricky things to deal with, especially teenage romantic emotions.

*It’s good to note that this scenario of “can they just be ‘friends” can apply to all sexual orientations. I just chose to write from a heterosexual standpoint.

Issue 39 (2013-2014)

Issue 39 (October 18, 2013)

Sidebar

FOOTBALL

It’s about that time. Tomorrow night aka Saturday night, at La Jolla High School (#werunlj), Bishop’s takes on Santa Fe Christian. The scouting report from head scout Balakay Dorvillier says, “They have one big dude but other than that they blow.” Come out to the game and get hyphy. The coaster will be rolling. Chad Raser is making his legendary comeback, and top recruit Chase Lauer is making his debut. It has been five weeks since the last home game, and I know y’all have been thirsty for some football. Be there because you’re my boy blue.

Shout Out

To Frank Sinatra, the greatest human to ever live and my #mancrushmondaythroughsunday.

Thanks Obama!

I have way too much homework and studying tonight. Thanks a lot Barack.

Poem of the Day

“Ozymandias” – Percy Bysshe Shelley

“I met a traveller from an antique land


Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone


Stand in the desart. Near them, on the sand,

Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown, 


And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, 


Tell that its sculptor well those passions read


Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, 


The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed: 


And on the pedestal these words appear: 


"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: 


Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"


Nothing beside remains. Round the decay


Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare


The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

For added effect, listen to Bryan Cranston’s rendition of the poem on YouTube. Diehard Breaking Bad fans -- think about the connections this poem has to “Ozymandias,” the third to last episode of that amazing fifth season.

Senior Challenge

Don’t do anything this weekend. Unless, of course, you want to go to college. In that case, maybe you should spend a little time working on essays and such, but not too much!

Joke of the Day!

Cross Country.

Articles

An Arm and A Legacy

By: Dan Forssman (Man)

In the beginning of the year, all seniors were handed maroon folders filled with questions concerning our legacy. A couple of days ago, my advisor reminded us to complete the questions, which are months overdue. Because the folders are secretly packets in disguise, and nobody, especially not Mr. Pierce, likes packets, I probably won’t ever touch that maroon folder. However, I thought I would address the questions in the DU.

The initial prompt reads as follows: “You are beginning your senior year. When you leave Bishop’s in May, what do you want your legacy to be? What specific steps should you take to ensure that legacy?”

“I don’t know” would be my answer to both questions. At the end of year, we’ll think of some legacy to leave to the school, and it will probably be great. In the past, the seniors have left things like safe rides, and they have clearly had a positive impact on the community. But so far, I think we have far surpassed anything tangible that we could give to our school, without even thinking about our legacy.

We’ve installed an arcade basketball hoop in the rec room. We’ve broken two, and soon to be three, windows while using that hoop. We’ve pushed the speaker volume to the max, and we aren’t done yet. We’ve had ping pong matches so intense that the yells from the table far exceed Tripp’s ghetto music reverberating throughout the room. We’ve put a kiddy pool on the lawn and had a pool party on numerous occasions. We’ve mobbed field hockey, water polo, and volleyball games on the same day, in that same kiddy pool. We’ve played badminton on the quad… before noon. We’ve gone to the play. We’ve already booked our tickets in advance for the big PDG concert coming up. We’ve decorated the lawn Halloween style. We’ve played the ukulele at sunset, and not at sunset. We’ve emotionally scarred people who stepped on our lawn without permission. We’ve given up our sacred terrace for a better cause. We’ve spent more time sleeping in the rec room than doing anything in the library. We’ve never gone to a cross country meet, but that’s ok. We’ve had fun. And we’ve done it while keeping our grades up, working on college apps, and attending an incredibly challenging school.

We’ve made Bishop’s fun. And if that is all we leave this school with, I will be perfectly content. Right now, I don’t really care what our legacy is. I don’t even want to think about it. Because, at the end of the year, I know that we will have influenced every single student on this campus. We will have shown them how to enjoy themselves, how to live in the moment, and how to make the most out of this special experience. And that will be more than enough. 

Issue 38 (2013-2014)

Issue 38 (October 17, 2013)

Sidebar

The More You Know…
In Alexandria, Minnesota, no man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath. The law mandates that, if his wife so requests, he must brush his teeth.  

Water Polo

Water Polo has a game today at 4:30 against Cathedral. BI Be real!

CHAGAHS!!!

The Chargers beat the Colts on Monday Night Football, surprising everyone including themselves.

One fish, two fish, sailfish, oarfish

An oarfish (a very rare and 18 foot long species of fish) was found in Toyon Bay, Catalina this past week. Greg Feiner and Bessie Barnes are bummed that this didn’t happen when they went to summer camp at that facility.

Articles

Since the DU has a grand total of 0 articles waiting to be published, why don’t you all write some? Seriously, please write some. It is very likely that we will publish them if you submit now, provided they aren’t racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, or just downright stupid.

The Shutdown is over!

Congress finally stopped throwing its tantrum and can now go back to eating, pooping, complaining, and not doing much else.

Lyrics Quiz

Standing on a bus stop feeling your head pop out, in the night on the kind of night where you want to be out on the street (on the street), crawling up the walls like a cat in heat. And the air is thin and it blows through your skin and you feel like something is about to begin…

Articles

It Fills the Page (A Poem)

By: Greg Feiner (Brooding Hipster)

How can’t the persnickety wrist

                                                       watch molten

                                                                                elbow grease?

perhaps it spent

TOO much

time

Shaving David Cameron’s

                                            pet lizard and waiting around the           

             house for

sheep to mow the lawn.

                                                                              Insensitive

Why do Bithynian Airlines take so long to take off?

And why can’t I carry on my litter bearers?

I must check them instead.

You Can’t Take It With You

Or Can You?

No

You Can’t.

Nikita Khrushchev

tell me where you were

when Castor and Pollux suffered a broken

bad

And the Gallic platypi

                                    yawped from their

                                            wine cellars

And tell me why my ideas run so

thin and why

nobody can write anything

anymore

not even for the lowly bathrooms

Knock knock who’s there your friend who wants to borrow your zig-zagged goldfish for

A volcano made from baking soda and vinegar

AND LIES!!!

God bless enjambment! It fills the page.

#ostranenie

Gravity Review

By: Ilana Stone (Guest!)

Are you prone to motion sickness? Do you enjoy heavy dialogue, consisting of nauseous moans and emotionally scarring screams of terror? Yes? Well, then go straight to the cinema and watch Gravity, starring Sandra Bullock (in spandex) and George Clooney (perhaps also in spandex). What? 2D stomach churning spins aren’t enough. How would you like to double your payment for 3D effects so strong you can almost feel physics weeping in the corner? 

                They will tell you in the beginning that there is “no sound in space” but disregard this, because, based on the rest of the movie, there is a lot of sound in space, especially loud explosions. A nice reminder that Hollywood is just about as sharp as C♭ major.

                This movie is stuffed with action, too. I assure you, all five minutes of climax are completely filled with action. Sandra Bullock thrills us with her on screen dog imitations and falling asleep. Truly moving!

                Now, I know this is your kind of movie, but how do you convince your girlfriend to come with you. She wants to see that Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie. Tell her this movie has romance. Then enjoy a nice lonely ride home. You lied. There is no romance, only Sandra Bullock falling asleep and pretending she’s a dog.